Weekend Trip....

I'm leaving in the morning to visit a friend who is now in Hospice Care. I'm scared to go...i have know this friend for over 20 years and my heart aches for her and her family. I'm her "fun" friend, full of laughs and jokes but i don't know if i can pull this off this time. It's hard saying good-bye.

I'm worried about my food, but really, i don't even feel like eating. I didn't eat till one pm today, which wasn't smart, but i just wasn't hungry. I need to get some snacks together so i'll do that tonight.

I'm glad for the 5 hr drive as that will give me some time to myself.

I have a feeling that i'll need it.

I'm reading....

...yet another diet book. Well, it's not really a diet book, it's more of a "how to stick to it" for 100 days book. It asks all kinds of questions at the end of each day to make you think about your actions and why you've been the way you've been. Apparently, one hundred days is suppose to be a "magical amount of time" that forces you to stay focused and consistent so your efforts will last longer.

The name of the book is "100 Days of Weight Loss: The Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan" by Linda Spangle. I'm actually enjoying it as i read it on my phone.

The first thing you are suppose to do is write down 10 reasons why you want to lose weight and maintain. Here's my list:

1. Feel better
2. Keep up with my daughter
3. Have more energy
4. Learn to be a runner
5. Be healthier/not almost a diabetic
6. Wear shorts/fitting shirts and not be embarrassed
7. Fit into clothes that don't come out of Lane Bryant
8. Be more attractive
9. Not be embarrassed when i have to weigh in at doctor's office
10. Not be embarrassed to work out.

This is the list of reasons that you're suppose to come back to remind you why you are doing this and why you will stick with it.

I've already read into week 2 of this book, but have not written down the answers to the questions at the end of each day. So, i'm going to go back and do that. I will do anything that will help me move forward instead of backwards!

I'm glad that i found this book.

Here I am...

...pulling my hands away from my face, peeking out to the world ahead of me.

A world that i want to be in with me as a healthy woman.

Not letting weight stop me from doing things that i want to do.

Not letting weight stop me from dreaming of the things i want to do.

Not letting weight stop me from anything.

I'm going to stop the negative thoughts that invite themselves along everywhere i go, just waiting to have their moment where they pipe up with their ugly talk.

Good thoughts, Little Piggy, only good thoughts....

I need to love me like my husband and daughter do!

Third Weigh In

Today was my third weigh in.

I lost a pound.

And i got my "5 POUNDS LOST" sticker and a "BRAVO" sticker.

I feel silly for being so excited about the stickers. But i don't care...i stuck them on my Weigh In booklet, trying to hide my big smile.

The door is opening, just a crack, to my new, healthier lifestyle.

I'm ready to sling it wide open...

Well then....

...this morning, since it is a Sunday, i decided to hop on our scale. Not sure why, as i've tried to stay a far away from the scale as i can except for weigh-in morning. I stepped on the scale and it read:

199.8

I'm doing this. I am really doing this WW thing. Granted, it's been day by day and at times, minute by minute, but i'm doing it. I'm doing it.

To say that i'm cautiously thrilled is an understatement. Because i still hear those voices of self doubt, telling me that i'll fail at this yet again. That i will always be the FAT chubby mommy. That i'll never get healthy. That i won't ever change and i'll always be the same, with the same horrible habits that got me here to begin with.

I have quite a bit to go till i reach my goal of 130 lbs.

In fact, i have 69 lbs, to be exact.

But that's okay, because my new habits need time to become my daily habits.

I've made peace with the fact that i'll have to weigh some of my food, and measure the rest of it. It is what it is, as my husband tells me. If i have to measure and weigh myself to my goal, then so be it.

I'll do it.

One meal at a time.

One day at a time.

And this......

....is what i use as inspiration when i am ready to throw in the towel and give up.

Oy....

Dear Emma's 4th Birthday Cake,

You may have won today, but i have learned my lesson. No longer will i make a birthday cake that is to stay in our home without supervision. No longer will i keep the cake in the house after we have ONE piece. No longer will i pretend that i am stronger than you are. You may be stronger right now, but i now have a plan.

I have a plan and i refuse to let you destroy the path that i am now on.

I hope to be stronger than you one day. So, dear birthday cake, you are on notice.

I may have lost today, but you won't get me again.

Second Weigh In....

....was today. After the cookie episode yesterday, i was a little worried, but i lost 1.2 pounds. I am actually enjoying the meetings that i attend. I was able to speak to some of the other women who were waiting to weigh-in and it is bothersome to me that being overweight is such a common problem for so many. What is it about us that makes us different? Is it our brain-wiring? Are we just sugar addicts? And the biggest question of all:

Can we get to a healthy weight and stay there?

We talked about re-doing our kitchens today and how to make sure that the healthy stuff makes it into our homes and the not-so-healthy stuff stays away. We also talked about eating out of bags; not a good idea. I'm on the lookout for a scale, which is hard for me to believe. Really? Me? Weigh my food?

Yes. Me. Weigh my food.

This little piggy is serious this time...

Valentine's Day

...didn't turn into the disaster that it usually does. I did eat a chocolate chip cookie and a sugar cookie, but other than that, i stayed where i needed to stay. The urge, however, to find a box of chocolate and eat the entire thing was huge, though. I don't know why i think of stuff like that...i know it's not healthy, i know that it's not part of the plan. Yet, like a nightmare, i daydreamed about eating a whole box of chocolate. What does that say about me??

Now, then, if i can just stay away from the "After-Valentine's Day Sales" i'll really be a hero~

Almost crash...

...that was very narrowly avoided. In fact, it was almost a disaster of horrid proportions.

I love pizza. It is one of my loves. Seriously, i would eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner if possible. It's a deep love, folks.

Tonight, my dear husband decided that we should order pizza, like we usually perhaps, once every two weekends. To say that i look forward to this is an understatement. I eat at least 3/4 pieces...the place that we order from makes pizza that is magic.

As soon as he said that he was going to order, i felt my insides scream a blood curling scream. Was he insane? Me and pizza in the same house? I would win and the pizza would be destroyed. Period.

In a panic, i ran to my book with the points listed. Five points per slice of pizza.

I had 12 points left in my day....

All of a sudden, i heard these words come out of my mouth:


"I can do this, and i'll be okay."

I drank almost three glasses of water before the pizza showed up.

I ate my two pieces of pizza with a glass of Diet Coke, feeling like i was in heaven.

What is left of that pizza is outside in the other frig and won't be eaten by me.

I CAN DO THIS, AND I WILL BE OKAY!!

Different, yet the same....

...is how i've been feeling the past day or so. "Different" in that my new habits seem to be growing on me, "the same" in the that i would like nothing better that a large slice of chocolate cake and struggle with that. I wonder if it will always be that struggle, of wanting to shovel sweets into my mouth, hand over fist, or if i will learn to crave different, healthy things?

I don't know.

But what i do know, is right now, that struggle continues.

Different, though, has been a pleasant surprise. I feel better. Not so sluggish, not so ready to take naps. I get up and i'm usually good. I've limited my Diet Coke crack-like need and substituted water and that's lead to some headaches, which didn't surprise me. Fruit has been a huge live saver for me...huge. I'm liking this new WW program.

It is the weekend, so there's grocery shopping to do, eating plans to figure out and play-time with the tot.

Note on the tot and husband: They will eat what i will eat. If i cook it, they will eat it. They are eating my fruit, my chocolate puddings, my healthy snacks. A great thing as we can all learn from this way of eating...and incorporate it into our lives as "the" way to eat.

Update more later...

Day 8- Snow Day!

....not that it makes a difference that it's a snow day or not, as my eating plan is the same. But, i felt the need for a sun-lovin' flower photo today as it's really so very cold outside. Which means that the tot and i are stuck inside...

Not a good thing as the food is here, too.

I've done really well at staying on track. I do feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to fall and i'll eat an entire cake or gallon of ice cream. Needless to say, neither of those things are ANY where near this home of mine! The fact that fruit and veggies are point-free is huge for me this time around. I can have those bananas or strawberries that i love so much and not have to worry about points. Those fruits give me tons of happy moments...and allow me to have something sweet when i need it.

Another life-savor has been Hunts ff Chocolate Puddings. I don't even need to add the ff scoop of Cool Whip...that pudding is so de-lish. Again, it's a treat and it's chocolate. Need i say more?

Tonight i'm making the Sloppy Joe's again. This recipe is already a favorite and will be a stand-in, i'm sure. I'm also going to look into some soup recipes. I so love soup, especially when it's as cold as it's been.

Off to cook...

The First Weigh In

Well, here are the results of my first weigh-in. I lost 3.6lbs.

Just to show you how i'm never happy, i was disappointed that i didn't loose five pounds.

It was a good first week.

I'm really doing this, aren't i?

Hoppin' On

Today is the day before my first weigh in. I go between feeling calm to a full panic attack with my heart beating out of my chest. All of this due to a stupid, stupid scale. I'm acting like the way of the world will forever be destroyed if i don't loose what i think i should. You would figure that by the time a woman gets into your 40's, you're done with all of this kind of insane drama.

Apparently not.

I know that i've followed the program. I've logged everything i've eaten. I've not gone over my points. I've been freakin' positive, for heaven's sake. But the one thing that i haven't done this week?

I haven't gotten on the scale.

You're stunned, aren't you?

Yeah, me too.

Tomorrow morning, though, before i take Emma to school and head to the WW Center, i'll hop on my scale. Totally naked (really, do us both a favor and don't try to envision that...), no jewelry (because, it might weigh all 1/2 an ounce, you know), before breakfast and after i pee (another whole 1/2 ounce of weight), i'll hop on the scale and weigh.

I want to lose 5 pounds this week. I know, i know, stop shaking your head. Who loses five pounds in a week besides Melinda for heaven's sake? It's not like i'm on the dang Biggest Loser. But i have the number 5 on the brain for some stupid reason.

Why can't i let the number go and let the program just do it's thing? I truly almost don't want to know the number. Kinda. Okay, that's stupid; i do want to know the number. Who am i trying to kid?

sigh.

Hoppin' off to bed...tomorrow is a huge day for me.

Day 4 & Day 5....

...fell on the weekend. I have to admit, there was a time or two that i wanted to chuck this WW thing and just eat. But i know why...because the food was there.

Saturday went well...and as planned.

Superbowl Sunday, went okay and somewhat as planned.

Not planned breakfast was 1 pancake (3 points), 2 slices of bacon (4 points) and Maple Syrup (1 point per tbs). I also had two wings that afternoon while watching the game which were 6 points for the two.

Honestly, it could have turned into a disaster, but didn't. I usually inhale bacon and pancakes. I ate s-l-o-w-l-y. I savored every single bite. And drank lots of water.

I keep telling myself that it takes time to change, to train my brain....to have some patience.

Lord knows i'll probably need it! :)

Cherry Squares

Cherry Pie Squares

1 package of angel food cake mix
22 oz light cherry or blueberry pie filling

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Combine cake mix with the blueberry filling (do not add any other ingredients!). Pour batter into ungreased (i did lightly spray with PAM) 9x13 in baking dish and bake for 30 minutes. Cool and cut into 24 pieces. Makes 24 servings for 2 points a piece.

Perfect for a Valentine's Day treat!

Day 3

Day Three has truly been a good day, too. If i sound shocked, well, it's because i kinda am. I expected this to be even harder this time and i expected to already have given up.

Yes, on Day Three.

But i haven't.

And dang it, i refuse to. I refuse to give up this time.

I am worried about when my husband makes it home from a TX work trip this weekend. It's also the Superbowl...which is a time of great snacking on things that just really aren't the best things to snack on if you tend to eat 10 of something instead of just say, oh, one. I don't want to blow this amazing start on a stupid football game.

Food for today went like this:

Breakfast: Yogurt with strawberries, bananas and blueberries

Lunch: Boca Burger, slice of wheat bread, wedge of Laughing Cow cheese, and pickles

Snack: Grapes, Crackers and wedge of Laughing Cow Cheese

Dinner: Boca Burger, slice of wheat bread, wedge of Laughing Cow cheese and pickles

Snack: Hunt's FF Chocolate Pudding with FF Cool Whip, Pretzels

I wonder what it's like to be a person who doesn't have to plan out each and every meal?

Day 2

I think that i am going to be all right.

Day Two was another good day. I ate well....quick breakfast, amazing chicken breast sandwich for lunch, great snack, a Smart Ones Turkey and Potatoes for dinner, and finally, my favorite pudding snack. Twenty-nine points. In range.

And i'm proud of myself.

I know, it's only Day 2, but i have a new recipe from Melinda to try. I have plans for a soup recipe that i found. Both of these fit into Weight Watchers. Both of them! And there's more recipes out there to try...

I'm beginning to think that it really is changing how i feel about food and what i pick. When i log all of my food, i realize just how much i was eating. After looking through the Dinning Out Companion, i realize just how many points i was eating. And it's no big surprise, then, how i ended up over 200lbs.

No surprise at all.

I think that i'm ready to break up with the foods that i thought i "loved" and find new foods that i will love, too. I think that i can make this into an amazing journey for myself. One day at a time, one meal at a time, i can do this.

I can.

Day 1

I've decided to blog my way through this, this new part of my life. Mostly to figure out what works, what doesn't, what i like, what i love and what i can't stand. I want a record of this; a record of my thoughts, my worries, my joys and not-so joyous moments. Blogging is a safe place for me; this blog, so far, is a secret from friends and/or family. I don't want to be guarded in what i write and if i'm honest, i'm embarrassed about my love affair with food.

Day One has gone remarkably well. I'm calm, i'm well-prepared because, crap, i've done Weight Watchers how many times now?, and the strangest part is that i feel at peace. I'm not sure why i feel this way as i didn't the previous times. I was anxious, worried, scared that i would make a mistake. Maybe now i realize that a mistakes are part of this and are okay and that weight truly doesn't fall off by alone without help. I've stayed on plan and reached my point number. I found a few new favorites today, like crackers and Laughing Cow Cheese and grapes as a snack, Hunts No-Fat Chocolate Pudding with Fat-Free Cool Whip and a scant few mini-chocolate chips. This is what i need to do: find new and better things to take the place of my not-so-good choices.

I learned today that the healthy weight range for someone 5'4 is between 117lbs (BMI of 20) and 146lbs (BMI of 25). I really don't have a clue of where i "should" be. I should talk to Janet, i suppose, to get her thoughts on this.

I also learned that 10% loss for me is 20lbs, which will put me at 185lbs. But since we are going for 5% first, which is 10lbs, my 1st goal will put me at 195lbs. I plan to keep up with the dates that i reach those goals on the side of this blog.

Melinda, a friend of mine, has been a huge help. She joined WW with her sister and some friends before i did and is doing really very well: she's lost 11 pounds in two weeks. Melinda has tons of suggestions and she loves trying new recipes, so i'm so glad that i have her knowledge to learn from. She's also started a fb page for folks who are on WW and that's been a huge help and source of support.

A good first day.

The First Meeting...

...was this morning at 10am. I dropped my tot off at school and headed to the meeting, talking to myself the entire way:

"Are you sure that you want us to do this? Again?"

"What's going to be different THIS time?"

"You're not really THAT fat, you know...."

"Maybe you should wait and join next month!"

"Do you really want to go? Really, really, REALLLY want to go to this meeting??"

"Shut up, Voices, and just drive to the meeting!"

Needless to say, it was a long ride to the Weight Watcher Center.

But once there, i made myself get out of the Pilot, and walk into the Center. Because i knew that if i sat there, in the safety of my car, i wouldn't go in. And so i slowly, slowly walked towards the Center.

Cheerful women were there to greet me. Of course, they were cheerful, they were already at THEIR goal weight.... I joined using their latest special which signed me up for 9 weeks and didn't require me to pay the joining fee. I did this because i figured (once again....) that if i pre-paid, i would come back.

Yeah, i know, i'm full of hope, aren't i?

I weighed in at 205.6 lbs. Not surprised at that...i bought the calculator, the Dinning Out Companion and the 3-Month food log book. The woman that weighed me was really nice and welcoming....and i was grateful for that. I stumbled off to the meeting area, trying not to wonder if i was the chubbiest person there yet.

Yeah, that's usually the first thing i do when i walk into a room. Pathetic, eh?

I sat towards the front, near the corner. Almost like i was hiding. I pretended to look through all of the things that i bought but what i was really doing, was trying to hide my tears. Tears because i was here at Weight Watchers again, tears because i weighed in at 205.6, tears because i wondered if THIS time i could do it, and tears because i was scared that i would fail.

Again.

I was thrilled when i saw who the leader of the meeting was. It was Janet! She was the same leader that i loved last time and i was happy about that. She's funny, silly, gives out star stickers, hand stickers and goofy things. She makes me feel that it's okay for me to be there at Weight Watchers and that she is cheering for me.

There was about 30-35 women there and 2 men.

It was a fun meeting. And i felt like i truly was in the right place, with the right folks and the right Weight Watcher leader.

Janet handed out brightly colored Popsicle sticks to everyone. Why? To remind you to "STICK to it". I picked out a bright orange colored stick, which is now sitting on top of my kitchen counter, reminding me to "STICK TO IT"!

After the meeting, the "new" folks, who have ALL been Weight Watchers members before like me, listened to Janet about the new program. She joined Weight Watchers two previous times before things finally fell in place for her at her third time at joining. She lost 60+ pounds on Weight Watchers on her third try.

Here is some news: Get this, ALL fruit and ALL veggies are free! No points to them! Even bananas!!! F-R-E-E! How stinkin' amazing is that?!?! All of us "new" folks listened to Janet and kept asking questions. And i actually made a friend. She and i swapped email addresses and promised to keep up with each other.

I left feeling hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, just maybe i can do this.

Hopeful.

It's a good place to be right now.

I'll go shopping later today for the things i need. I'll read through all of my handouts and books and get my stuff in order to start this part of my life. I think that i'm making peace with the fact that i will have to eat this way the rest of my life. I don't like that, but if it means that i'm healthy, if it means that i'll pass along how to be healthy to my daughter, then so be it, i'll make the changes that i need to make.

It's time.