My little one and i are in FL, visiting my sister.
The state of FL is otherwise known as "Swamp Land" or "Alligator Land"....
It is very hot here for this Nashville, TN girl. H.O.T. It's so hot that my little one doesn't even want to venture outside....i can't lure her with the promise of a zoo visit or a visit to the Alligator Farm. Of course, at a temp of 94 degrees and humidity half past the temperature in hell, who can possibly blame her?
The only place she wants to go is to swimming lessons....yes, my little mermaid is learning to swim. I will probably not be able to keep her out of the pool after she learns!
I haven't worn make-up in a week and a half. There is really no point in wearing make-up when it slides off your face the moment you step outside. I feel naked without make-up but i've been using a fantastic skin lotion that my sister introduced me to called NeriumAD. I'm not one to toot a horn over something amazing because, well, nevermind, but this stuff, IS AMAZING. I truly love this skin cream and trust me, like most women, i've tried just about all of them. My redness is gone and my pores have gotten smaller. Perhaps i should spread this night cream all over my body. sigh.
Being in FL has made me feel not-so-good. It is hot and i'm sure because of my weight (i am at 201.2 as of this morning), i seem to sweat more than usual. Perhaps some women do perspire; i just sweat. I can sweat sitting still. I can sweat just walking out the door here in FL. I see women in their shorts and tank tops and i turn away because i would love to wear shorts (real shorts, not knee length ones) and a tank top. I see my sister in her two piece and i literally have to leave the room. I feel horrible, like a failure.
But then, i realize that i haven't done the hard work to be healthy. I haven't done the exercise to be healthy. I haven't eaten like a healthy person....so i deserve to feel like this. I have had so many 'this is it' moments....perhaps none of them were truly 'this is it' moments. I just know that i feel like giving up and resign myself to the fact that apparently, i don't want to be healthy. I am scared of dying due to my weight. I know i have high blood pressure. I know my cholesterol is sky high. I am probably a diabetic. I am a stroke patient just waiting to happen. I am scared...so very scared. I don't want to leave my young daughter without a mother. I don't want to leave my husband without a wife. I don't want to leave my sister with no family.
Perhaps one change at a time...perhaps just one change at a time.
Surely i can do that....
This week, i have given up diet coke while in FL. It's mostly due to the fact that diet coke isn't as good as water is for quenching my thirst. It wasn't hard as while down here, well, i have managed to drink tons (almost 3 liters a day!) daily. Perhaps i start here....giving up diet coke for water and add to that with getting rid of bread or milk. As much as i like both of those, i do feel better when i don't eat them. And then, add walking. I seem to set myself up for guaranteed failure when i make a huge "starting list".
Maybe my attitude also needs to change. I
just feel helpless in this journey. It has lasted for so very long. I take 3 steps forward and then i take 2 steps back. Being overweight has stopped me from so many things.
How can i possibly teach my daughter to be fearless, love herself, be kind to herself and be active when i don't practice those very same things?
You can't teach what you don't practice...
I did install something called My Diet Coach Pro on my phone. It's a very cool app...perhaps it will help.
Spinach salad tonight for dinner....a huge one.
Off to stop thinking for a bit....
