Another New Year...

...is almost here. Another year has passed in which i have stayed the same. That means 365 days have gone by with me promising myself that i would change; and 365 days of that not happening.

Impressive, yes?

Not so much. In fact, not impressive at all. It is sad however, very sad. It also means that i have failed again. It is even sadder that i am not really surprised that i have failed at this. And i wonder, what exactly it will take for me to be successful. A heart attack? A stroke, perhaps? To get even more unhealthier? To gain even more weight and reach a size 18? Because all of these things are a possibility in my life if i don't stop this insanity of pretending to get healthy.

I sometimes think to myself "Shit or get off the pot, for heavens sake!". I don't think that you can do healthy part of the way....either you do it or you don't. Is that the problem? Honestly, i don't know. I truly don't know. Maybe i have a sick death wish...i do know that i am so very tired of being sick and tired. I am also running out of time, i think, to make these changes. I am 45 years old, you know. It is almost a 'now or never' situation, although i guess 'better late than never' could also apply, too.

And so, here i am again, at almost the start of another year, promising that i will do better, that i will do my best to change my ways.

Lots to think about...

The view...

...here is amazing.

Even if one is chubby, it is still a beautiful view.

Something to look.....

...forward to! We are headed to the beach at the end of the month again for a week. I am so excited that i can't stand it. I love the beach. I love how i feel when i'm there, listening to the ocean and feeling the sand on my toes. It's been a difficult few weeks for me and i'm ready for the beach.

I recently started a class at the church with Restore Ministries. It has been the hardest class i've ever taken. The class is with about 8/10 other women, who i am shocked to say this, are a lot like me. I thought that i was the only person who felt the way i did about myself and to find out that i have a lot of company, while comforting, is bothersome. There are 4 professional women in the class, 3 Mommies and a mixture of the others. The class is called "Journey to Freedom", which is the title of the book we are using by Scott Reall. The book is utterly fantastic, horrifying, amazing, and scary to read. Basically, it's a book about how to start a lifetime of Hope, Health and Happiness.

I was shocked to discover that i have pretty much lost all hope in changing.

I wasn't surprised that i don't totally depend on God. I, it seems, like to invite God into my life where it suits me and where i think He needs to be.

Shocked to learn that fear holds me back.

Shocked to learn that i don't feel that i a worth fixing.

I think that there are two classes left. I am now working on my "action" plan for change.

I know.

I know.

But i have a little sliver of hope that i am learning the tools that i need to do this. I have learned that this is about "training" and not "trying". Training versus trying is the key to success.

Of course, i'm going to be working on my weight.

There are other things that will be worked on at the same time. Apparently the key is the process of lasting change is to balance the spirit, mind and body. These three things need to be brought together in a type of harmony.

The other thing i learned?

That i can't do this alone.

"All through the Bible, God directly speaks to us about fear. Over and over He reminds us, "Be of great courage, do not be afraid!" Even when i am walking through the valley of the shadow of death, He tells me not to be afraid because He IS WITH ME. The psalmist say in the Bible "I am about to fall, but Lord, your love kept me safe." God is FOR us and NOT against us.

And so, a journey is spirit is in order, too...

Much, much more later...

Time flies.....

....when you don't do anything, doesn't it?

It's now September 27th, late in the evening. My last post was August 9th.

Nothing has changed since August the 9th.

Instead of doing something, ANYTHING, i've done nothing. Nothing to change me for the better. Nothing to move me one step forward. Nothing to make me take action. I have done nothing but well, think. And all that has done is truly made my head hurt.

Try this way of eating...no, try that way of eating. Oh, try this way of walking. Nah, don't try that; do this instead. I know, lets read a BOOK on how to eat like a caveman/cavewoman. Because, you know, we are still in caveman times. Eat meat. Eat veggies. Eat beans. No, take that back: NO meat and NO beans. No sugar of any kind. What? Fruit sugar? Okay, just a little. I have an idea! Let's go vegan!! Nah, that's insane, i can't be a vegan. Can i maybe be a semi-vegan? Is there such a thing? I'll goggle it. Maybe i should go back to Weight Watchers. I did well there. But is that going to work again? Will a bear crap in the woods?

And on, and on and....on.

While all of this back and forth is going on, i do nothing.

I am full of progress, aren't i?

I am full of something, but it's not progress.

Meanwhile, my 12/14's pants are so snug that i can barely stand it. One would figure that would spring my chubby butt into some kind of action. But no, it hasn't. I just continue to talk to myself:

"You are such a fat @ss!"

"You will always be this way, you know...."

"You will never, ever change, will you?!?"

"How can you teach your daughter to eat well and be healthy if you eat like a pig?"

Yeah.

I'm not the nicest person to myself. I don't even think i know how to be nice to myself.

I'm sad. I'm discouraged. I'm disappointed. I'm, oh, i don't know what i am.

I am off to read and lose myself in a book....

Just thoughts......

My sweet hubby is away on a business trip for a few days and i can't sleep. It's been a very emotional past few weeks around here and not in a good way. My husband's nephew, Matt, who is 21 years old and in the Navy, was "lost at sea". The funeral was heart-wrenching. So young. So smart. So intelligent. So full of love for the Lord. Gone.

I keep coming back to "the Lord gives and the Lord taketh away"...and to the realization that none of us really know what the future has in store for us. Trusting in the Lord seems to be the best thing to count on...

Needless to say, the whole 'juice-a-thon' has taken a back seat to getting through the funeral and then having everyone over after the funeral. I imagine that we will start this weekend...

I stumbled across some 'thinso' site on u-tube.

I'm not sure what to say about those videos yet.

I had no idea that these kind of videos were out there. Yeah, i'm a sheltered girl.

It's late. I'm tired.

....and still a lot sad about Matt.

Reboot Your Life....

A few weeks ago, i watched a movie on Netflicks. It was a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Since watching that documentary, i've done much soul searching, thinking, pondering about what i saw. Juicing? Was i nuts?

No, not nuts, just tired of being sick and tired. Tired of eating foods that seem to clog my system. Tired of feeling fat and sluggish. Tired. Very tired.

Much more research followed all of this thought stuff about juicing before i approached my husband about watching this particular movie, for fear he would think that i had lost my mind.

He didn't think i was insane.

In fact, he is willing to try this with me.

And so, well, we will do this together. We are both sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe, having each other to lean on will make us stronger...

We are in the process of looking for a juicer. We are in the process of studying meals and how juicing fits in to our meals and life. We are excited. We are nervous. But we are willing to give this a try...

This is what i'm reading now that's on the site of this community who also juices:

Before your Reboot, here’s what you need to do:

1. Knowledge is power. Learn some simple, but important facts about food that will help you make informed eating decisions. Read Our Easy Fact Sheets

2. Invest in a good quality juicer.

3. Identify an affordable source of local, seasonal produce and make shopping lists.

4. At least one week prior to beginning your Reboot plan, start changing the way you eat.
Say Goodbye To: processed junk foods, white flours, sugar/desserts, fried food, fast food, processed meats, alcohol and begin to wean yourself off caffeine.
Say Hello To: salads, soups, smoothies with a variety of fruits and vegetables as well as whole grains, nuts, seeds, natural nut butters, beans and legumes.
Transitioning off animal proteins: choose wild-caught fish, organic eggs, gradually decrease poultry during the week and choose only organic varieties when you eat them. If you eat red meat choose only grass-fed organic, lean and don’t eat this past day 3 of the preparation week. By last day of the week, your protein should come from solely plant sources such as beans, nuts, legumes (for example, black beans, hummus, chick peas, lentils, edamame)
Transitioning off dairy: Choose only low or non-fat organic dairy with little to no added sugars. If you choose soy, rice or almond milk also get unflavored/plain to limit the sugar content. Choose organic cheese, and transition from cow’s milk cheese to goat cheese by the middle of the week. By the end of the week (day 5) all dairy should be out of your diet to prepare for the Reboot.

5. Preparation the Night before your Reboot.
Stop all NON-PRESCRIPTION vitamins/supplements during the Reboot unless you have been advised to take them by a physician.
Don’t take any self-prescribed, over-the-counter medications.
Hydrate well (at least 64-72 ounces a day)
Set up your juicer the night before – get all parts cleaned and ready on your kitchen counter. You can even prep your veggies and fruits by cleaning them ahead of time and storing them in the fridge to make your morning run more smoothly.
Go to bed early and get a good night’s sleep.


and i'm reading this, too, getting ready:

Meal Plan: Day 1
 
First Thing in the Morning:

Herbal Tea or hot water with lemon
 
Breakfast:
Cherry Cinnamon Apple Bake
This dish is delicious warm or cool.
Double the recipe for an extra serving.

1 cup Cherries (cut and discard pit)
2 Apples cored and chopped
3 Tbsp. Raisins (choose golden variety for a twist)
1 Tbsp. Cinnamon (or more to taste)
1/2 tsp. Nutmeg

Spray baking dish with expeller pressed canola oil
Place into oven safe baking dish and cover
Bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes or until apples are soft
Cool and enjoy!

Calories: 249
Protein: 2 g
Fiber: 9 g
 
Mid-Morning Juice:
Green Juice
6 leaves Kale
2 cups Spinach
1/2 Cucumber
4 stalks Celery
2 Apples
1” Ginger root

Calories: 180
Protein: 12 g
Fiber: 1 g
 
Lunch:
Arugula Spinach Salad and Mustard Vinaigrette Dressing
2 cups Arugula
1 cup Spinach
1/3 Avocado
1/2 cup thinly sliced red Onion
1/2 cup chopped Tomato (heirloom in the summer)
1/2 cup Jicama

Mustard Vinaigrette
1/3 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
1 1/2 Tbsp. Grain mustard
2/3 cups Cold Pressed Olive Oil
Sea Salt & fresh ground Pepper to taste

Puree the vinegar and mustard in a blender. With the blender running, slowly pour in the olive oil. Season to taste with the salt and pepper. Keeps up to 1 week in the refrigerator.
For Honey Mustard Vinaigrette: Add 3/4 Tbsp. Raw Honey
Makes 8-9 servings

Salad and 2 Tbsp. Mustard Dressing:

Calories: 278
Protein: 3.5 g
Fiber: 9 g

Raw Carrot Ginger Soup
Makes 2, 1 1/2 cup servings – save 1 for dinner
3 cups Carrot Juice
1 ripe Avocado
2 Tbsp. Agave Nectar
1 Tbsp. Ginger, minced
1/4 tsp. ground Cayenne Pepper
1/4 tsp. Sea Salt
1/2 cup Coconut Meat, optional
2 Tbsp. Avocado or Olive Oil, for garnish
2 Tbsp. Fresh Cilantro, chopped, for garnish

Puree the first seven ingredients in a blender until completely smooth. Taste and adjust the seasonings if necessary. Garnish the soup with a drizzle of oil and the chopped cilantro.

Per Serving:
Calories: 234
Protein: 2 g
Fiber: 7 g
 
Dinner:
Reboot Green Salad
Make it big! Any greens you like such as romaine hearts, baby romaine, baby spinach, baby arugula, add any veggie you like: cucumber, carrot, celery, pepper, tomato, fennel, radish, sprouts (not bean sprouts), onion, fresh herbs. Avocado may also be added for more substance.
Dress with Ginger Honey Soy Dressing

Salad and 2 Tbsp. Dressing:

Calories: 278
Protein: 3.5 g
Fiber: 9 g

Steamed Snow Peas, Broccoli and Green Beans with Ginger Honey Soy Dressing
1/3 lb. Snow Peas, ends trimmed
1/3 lb. Green Beans, ends trimmed
1 head Broccoli, cut into florets

Heat a pot with boiling salted water and cover with a steamer basket. Add the vegetables and steam about 5 minutes, until the vegetables are cooked but still green and crisp. Drizzle with the Ginger Honey Soy Dressing.

Steamed Veggies and Dressing:

Calories: 203
Protein: 3 g
Fiber: 4 g

Ginger Honey Soy Dressing
2 Tbsp. Minced Fresh Ginger
2 Tbsp. Minced Fresh Garlic
2 Tbsp. Raw Honey
4 Tbsp. Nama Shoyu or Tamari
4 Tbsp. Olive Oil

Puree the first four ingredients in a blender. With the blender running, slowly add the oil until the dressing is emulsified. Keep up to 1 week in the refrigerator.

Makes 5-6 servings
Per serving:

Calories: 133
Protein: 0.5 g
Fiber: 0 g

Before Bed
Herbal Tea (add lemon optional)

It is interesting how Robert is approaching this as to how i am approaching this: I plan on telling no one what i'm doing. NO ONE. Robert, however, has no issue with telling folks about this. I guess i have less tolerance with the questions or comments like "Really?? I heard that wasn't healthy....blah, blah, blah" from someone who knows nothing about the program.

Crossing our fingers....

1) My food choices are never, ever going to fix my deeper problems.

2) Food is never going to make me blissfully happy.

3) Food is not my friend.

4) Food is not going to make me feel less stressed about the business that is life.

5) Food is not going to give me the courage to change things in my life.

6) Food is not meant to be an escape from reality.
7) Food is not how i should reward myself for a job well done
8) Food is a fuel for my body, not a love potion
9) Food should never take up so much space in my life
10) Food is just that: food. No more, no less.

Running.

I sometimes dream of running away. I don't know where that i want to run, but i just run till i can't run anymore. Away from food, away from life, away from fat, away from changing.

I seem to forget one important thing.

No matter where i go, there i am....

....with all my food issues, all my life issues, all my fat issues, all of my changing issues.

I feel like i am at rock bottom.

It's a desperate feeling, a dark place that begs me to hide, to not try any more, to just let it be and give up. It's a place that scares me. It's a place that i sometimes feel that i can't get out of no matter how much "positive" stuff i tell myself. This place of dark saddness is a place that i am scared to be in, yet i stay there, hidden and alone, not letting anyone know that i am there. I blog this way on This Little Piggy; none of my friends know of this blog. I don't want them to know this part of me. They know the "other" me....the happy, cheerful, i-am-so-strong me. No one, no one knows the other part of me, the 'chubby, fat, me' and all of the stuff that goes with that part of me.

Tomorrow is another day, another day to start.

And so, tomorrow, i start again.

I start again.

Blogging by phone?!?7

Simply amazing.

I have much to catch up on...

But, WOW!!

Blogging by phone is kinda cool!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

A recipe post....

To help keep me where i need to be, i decided to search for some new recipes. You know, so i don't go back to my ol' habits like eating out of containers with my fingers. I found a few new ones to try and here they are:


Jillybean's Taco Pasta Skillet
Servings | 5
Estimated PointsPlus™ value per serving | 6

~Ingredients
8 oz ground beef or ground turkey breast
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 can corn
1 can black beans
1 cup salsa
2.5 cups water
8 oz mini-penne
4 oz ff cream cheese
4 oz 50% less fat pepper jack cheese

Instructions
Brown meat. Drain. Add taco seasoning, corn, beans, salsa, pasta and water. Simmer ~15 minutes until pasta is cooked. Add cheeses and stir til melted.

*Special Notes
A little spicy but really good


Chicken Tamale Casserole
Servings | 8
Estimated PointsPlus™ value per serving | 8

~Ingredients
1 Cup Reduced-Fat Mexican Blended Shredded Cheese
1/3 Cup fat-free milk
1/4 Cup Egg Substitute
1 tsp Ground Cumin
1/8 tsp ground red pepper
14 3/4 oz Can Cream Style Corn
9 1/2 oz Jiffy Mix Corn Bread
10 oz can Enchilada Sauce
2 Cups Roasted Chicken Breast, chopped or shredded
1/2 Cup Fat-Free Sour Cream

~Instructions
Preheat oven to 400
Combine 1/4 C. cheese and next 7 ingredients in a large bowl stirring until moist. Pour into 13X9 dish coated with cooking spray.
Bake at 400 for 15 min (until set). Pierce surface with fork, pour enchilada sauce over top. Top with chicken, sprinkle with cheese bake at 400 for 15 min. Remove from oven. Let stand 5 min. Cut into 8 pieces; top with 1 TBSP sour cream.

*Special Notes
I take the chicken and cook it in a crock pot with salsa or taco seasoning all day then shred it and put it on here. It gives it an extra boost in flavor.


BAKED SPAGHETTI
Yield: 12 pieces ~ 5 points plus each

~Ingredients
-12 oz pkg. whole wheat pasta
-1 can diced tomatoes
-1 jar marinara sauce
-1 lb. ground beef (90/5 or lower fat), browned and drained
-1 small onion, diced
-Italian seasoning, salt, and pepper according to taste.
-1 small pkg. Italian blend cheeses or 8 oz. Parmesan cheese

~Instructions
Prepare 9x13 pan-spray with cooking spray.
Cook pasta to al-dente (slightly shorter time than on package). Brown ground beef, add diced onions to beef and cook until onion is clear. Mix in Italian seasoning, salt and pepper. Layer pasta, meat, sauce, tomatoes and cheese until all ingredients are used. Be sure to end with cheese. Cover with Aluminum foil and bake for 40 minutes at 350F. Remove foil and bake 20 additional minutes.


Tomorrow at 8:30am is my weigh-in. Not looking forward to it at all. But it's okay, i know that i need to go, so it is what it is.

Ohhhh, i'm back on the saddle again.....

Time to get......

...."moo-ving".

I just kill me some days....

After a week of not tracking my food, i have kicked myself in the rear and i am back on track. There is a lot going on right now; my dear friend Ms. Jo is now in Hopsice care and i've been visiting her the past 5/6 weekends. It's an honor to be invited into her life like this, but it makes my heart and soul ache. She is so very sick, just like my Mama was. I hope that God grants her mercy in her final days for peace. With all of that and the emotions that come with it, well, i just didn't feel like tracking. I know that life happens, but i just didn't feel like bothering with it. I actually did okay not tracking, though as i weighed in this morning at 196.8. Truly, i was expecting a horrible number, so i am a little pleased with myself.

I suppose my "new" habits are starting to sink it...which is a good thing as those habits will have to be life-long habits. And honestly, it's not been as horrible as i always make it up to be in my mind. It's just 'different'. Different as in choosing the healthy choice instead of choosing your "go-to" unhealthy choice. I do know that i feel so much better when i eat this way and stay in my range. Eating fresh fruit is now a great go-to and can be carried in my purse. My nifty new water bottle can also be carried everywhere. I just have to plan and even more importantly, THINK about what i'm doing and the choices that i'm making. Reaching for whatever unhealthy food i can get my hands on is so much easier than thinking ahead; go figure.

If you KINDA do it, then it KINDA works!

If you REALLY do it, then it REALLY WORKS!

grrr.....

My scale is broken.

It's not even that old.

I guess getting on and getting off every. single. day. took it's toll on the stupid thing.

I would have figured that i would have been thrilled with the stupid thing not working....nope. I want a new scale and i want it now.

grrr....

Random...

It's Monday morning and another week.

I'm thankful for another week.

This week, i've started with "measuring" my food accurately instead of just guessing. What a novel idea, eh? It's amazing to see what a cup of milk actually looks like, or a cup of cereal. Sadly, it seems that i've been eating A LOT more than one cup of cereal! I've also started eating in my daughter's food and bowl plates. I really should have done that in the beginning, but really just didn't think about it. Kinda funny to see that the portions that i SHOULD be eating fit perfectly into her plates....no wonder i got to weigh way over 210 pounds. I'm willing to bet that is the problem of many folks, eating to fill a plate instead of eating a portion size.

I also made a promise to myself that i would never force Emma to clean her plate because of "starving children in Africa". She eats when she's hungry and stops when she isn't and i'm going to do my best to make sure that she stays that way. I don't want her to find comfort in food....especially when there are so many other things to find comfort in.

Yesterday, i saw how easy it is to go back to bad habits when tracking isn't happening. I didn't track on Saturday or Sunday and ate like it. Truly goes to show me that being accountable for what i put into my mouth by tracking is important to my success. While that thought use to really irritated me, i now have made peace with the fact that if i have to track for the rest of my life to get and stay at a healthy weight, then so be it. It will be worth it. It is what it is and it's okay. It's too easy for me to eat like an insane woman otherwise.

I'm going to my normal WW meeting tomorrow, but i'm unsure about weighing in as i just weighed in on Saturday. I can't wait to see Janet and my other friends...i feel so much more at home at that meeting than i do at the meeting i went to on Saturday. Maybe i'll just keep going to the meeting on Tuesdays and just weigh in on Saturdays so i can see Karen.

Fifth Weigh-In

....went okay. I was really excited when i weighed in at home before i left as i weighed in at 195.0 which would have been my 5% goal. I ended up weighing in at 196.8 so i now have a total of -8.8 for my first five weeks.

And yes, i did want the total of my first five weeks to be minus twenty, totally unrealistic, pounds. Totally fantasy, i know, but hey, if you are going to have a fantasy, make it a good one.

I went into a different meeting this morning, which is really closer than the one i usually go to. While i met really great women, i still prefer Janet. She, is amazing, so i'll be going back to her meeting but i am seriously considering weighing in on Saturday mornings at Franklin. I just like weighing in on that day better....even though i'm sure that it's totally in my head.

After i weighed, i went into the meeting room, and boy was it packed! I saw a seat in the very back row and there was a young woman sitting there in that row. I realized the look she had on her face. It was one that i've seen on my face often: it's the "i'm invisible" look. She was really pretty, but i'm sure that she didn't think so. I asked her if i could sit next to her, and she smiled and said "sure" so i sat next to her. Her name is Karen and this was her first week. I decided right then and there that Karen and i would be friends. I told her that i was on my fifth week and that i knew that she would love the program. We chatted, laughed and giggled as we talked about me walking at the crack of dawn so that no one would see me. I need a friend, and i hope that she does too. I'll see if we can trade phone numbers or email addresses next Saturday....yeah, she's one of the reasons that i want to go back on Saturday.

Maybe, just maybe, a long friendship can be made on this journey of mine.

The day before...

.....my weigh in. One of these days, i hope, the "day-before-weigh-in" won't be such a stupid, big deal for me. It's like i'm being graded on my ability to stay on the program, not taking into account anything else. I guess weigh in day IS kinda like that, but dang, does it have to be? Can't i just look at it like just a day on my journey to get healthy? I need to just focus on:

BABY STEPS

and EXERCISE

I keep telling myself that my weight didn't come on all at one time and that i shouldn't expect it to fall off all at one time. I also keep telling myself to stop comparing myself to my friend, Melinda, who has been on the program longer than i have and has already lost 20 pounds. While all of these things are stuff that i tell myself, these are also the type of things that i hear whispered in my ear:


~"Are you loosing fast enough? Maybe you're not going to loose...."

~"Do you REALLY think that YOU are going to loose this weight?!?! HA!"

~"You ONLY lost 1.6 pounds this week. So-and-so lost 3 POUNDS!"

~"You might as well go head and eat that. You're never going to loose that weight."

~"I bet you're still the fattest woman here..."

~"You are TOO old to get healthy! You're 45 for heaven's sake!"

~"You'll be ChubbyMommy FOREVER!"


I have to work on this kinda crap. There is no room for this kind of negative talk in my life. No room at all. It's not even any where near being helpful to hear these things...what bothers me, too, is that i would NEVER speak to a friend like this. I would offer encouragement, hugs, cheer them on and love on them. On me, however, i take great glee in beating me up.

I have to work on this.

And the sooner, the better.

Some days....

...on this amazingly lonnnggg weight loss journey, are incredibly long. In fact, they are too long. I never realized that i was a "i-am-bored" snacker at night. I always thought that i was only an anxiety snacker.

How thrilling to figure out that i was wrong.

sigh....

But it's okay, as i'm still figuring things out about myself. I do hate that i turned food into my best friend at times, sneaking around with food like a boyfriend that you've been told not to be with, but just can't help yourself. I wonder why some people turn to food and others to drugs or alcohol? In a way, food has been a drug; that first bite of what-ever gave me a sense of relaxation, happiness and calmness that i was searching for. Blogging is slowly taking the place of food, but i'm going to have to find a hobby or take up running. Sitting in front of the computer isn't exactly living life to the fullest, is it?

My weigh in day is coming up...and while i'm nervous because i always am at weigh in day for no reason i am hoping that all will be well. "Well" in that i loose two pounds, lol....I'm visiting another WW Center than the one i usually visit, so i'm looking forward to that. This Center is much closer than the one i currently attend, but i love the WW leader at my regular place so much! It's nice to have her notice that i am missing or for her to check up on me, just to cheer me on. Maybe one day, i can be a WW leader, too...

Maybe.

We'll see...

WHAT?!?!

This morning, with much hesitation, i got on the scale after i pee'd, pooped, undressed, took off all jewelry and prayed and i almost fell off of the scale when i saw the number.

The scale read "195"

I know, i know, i should not let a number on the scale define me. I should not let a number on the scale make or break my day. I should not let the scale dictate how i feel about me.

But for just a second, let me celebrate and be thrilled!

I have logged the past few days religiously, drank water and stayed where i was to stay in my point range. I even logged that stupid piece of fried chicken; which, btw, only put me over by 3 pts for the day. Had i not been so busy beating myself up for eating it and just logged it, it wouldn't have been the traumatic experience that i acted like it was.

I'm going to do this, damn it.

I am going to do this.

One step...

...at a time. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One meal at a time.

Yesterday, was a disaster for me. Actually, the whole day wasn't a disaster, just when the fried chicken was escorted into the house by my sweet husband who had a rotten day. He left one piece in the box and left the box on the counter...

Big, big, BIG MISTAKE.

I won't describe what happened next, but lets just say that there were no crumbs in the bottom of that box of fried chicken when i finished. No crumbs at all. I may have even licked the paper that was on the bottom of the box. Yeah, it was me at my ugliest.

And since i had eaten that, i then proceeded to eat 3 mini-granola bars at 90 calories a piece. You know, as dessert. You can't have fried chicken without a dessert, can you?

Apparently, i can't.

Today, is Tuesday, also known as Fat Tuesday. I just couldn't bring myself to weigh in on a day called "Fat" Tuesday, so i'm going to my meeting on Saturday. I'm sure that after my little food-fess yesterday evening, it would have sucked anyway.

I'm disappointed in myself. I knew i wasn't hungry. I knew that fried chicken wasn't on my plan for today. Yet, i ate like a mad-woman on crack until it was all gone. It was like being on auto-pilot; the first bite was amazing, and from there, i really couldn't tell you. How sad it is that a piece of fried chicken had me acting like a starved woman?

Not only do i have weight to loose, but i have to work on the mental part of all of this. Otherwise, i am terrified that i will re-gain all of what i am loosing and add more pounds on top of that. I can't let that happen.

I can't.

My Notebook...

I carry this little notebook in my purse because i can never remember anything so i have to write everything down. It has lots of notes in it, like books i want to read, thoughts, vents.

Today, all i would have written in it would have been:

I WANT TO EAT.

Sad, eh? I think that next week is when Mother Nature shows up for me, so that explains it, but it has not been an easy day. In fact, it has really sucked because i have to stop myself from just eating to, well, eat.

sigh.

No wonder i gained so much weight, eh?

Fourth Weigh In....

...was a surprise. I had been in Atlanta, visiting and taking care of a dear friend who has cancer and is in home hospice care. Eating, well, was a bit of a challenge as food was being delieverd by her many friends. Amazing food, btw...amazing. The church women of the South are the most amazing cooks. I did take fruit with me, but i ate just enough to keep me from being hungry.

On Saturday morning, i had a banana on the drive down, and another banana when i stopped for gas. For lunch, i had 1/2 a slice of sourdough bread with a smear of egg salad and a ton of water. For dinner, i had a cup of spaghetti and the other half of the sourdough bread.

On Sunday morning, i had a 1-in brownie with a cup of milk. For lunch, i had a 1/2 of a slice of sourdough bread with a slice of roast beef and much more water. Dinner was the other half of the sourdough bread with a smear of egg salad.

And i drank a lot of water while i was there.

Maybe that was the factor that helped me loose this week...

Whatever the factor was, i was just thrilled that there was another loss for me.

Weekend Trip....

I'm leaving in the morning to visit a friend who is now in Hospice Care. I'm scared to go...i have know this friend for over 20 years and my heart aches for her and her family. I'm her "fun" friend, full of laughs and jokes but i don't know if i can pull this off this time. It's hard saying good-bye.

I'm worried about my food, but really, i don't even feel like eating. I didn't eat till one pm today, which wasn't smart, but i just wasn't hungry. I need to get some snacks together so i'll do that tonight.

I'm glad for the 5 hr drive as that will give me some time to myself.

I have a feeling that i'll need it.

I'm reading....

...yet another diet book. Well, it's not really a diet book, it's more of a "how to stick to it" for 100 days book. It asks all kinds of questions at the end of each day to make you think about your actions and why you've been the way you've been. Apparently, one hundred days is suppose to be a "magical amount of time" that forces you to stay focused and consistent so your efforts will last longer.

The name of the book is "100 Days of Weight Loss: The Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan" by Linda Spangle. I'm actually enjoying it as i read it on my phone.

The first thing you are suppose to do is write down 10 reasons why you want to lose weight and maintain. Here's my list:

1. Feel better
2. Keep up with my daughter
3. Have more energy
4. Learn to be a runner
5. Be healthier/not almost a diabetic
6. Wear shorts/fitting shirts and not be embarrassed
7. Fit into clothes that don't come out of Lane Bryant
8. Be more attractive
9. Not be embarrassed when i have to weigh in at doctor's office
10. Not be embarrassed to work out.

This is the list of reasons that you're suppose to come back to remind you why you are doing this and why you will stick with it.

I've already read into week 2 of this book, but have not written down the answers to the questions at the end of each day. So, i'm going to go back and do that. I will do anything that will help me move forward instead of backwards!

I'm glad that i found this book.

Here I am...

...pulling my hands away from my face, peeking out to the world ahead of me.

A world that i want to be in with me as a healthy woman.

Not letting weight stop me from doing things that i want to do.

Not letting weight stop me from dreaming of the things i want to do.

Not letting weight stop me from anything.

I'm going to stop the negative thoughts that invite themselves along everywhere i go, just waiting to have their moment where they pipe up with their ugly talk.

Good thoughts, Little Piggy, only good thoughts....

I need to love me like my husband and daughter do!

Third Weigh In

Today was my third weigh in.

I lost a pound.

And i got my "5 POUNDS LOST" sticker and a "BRAVO" sticker.

I feel silly for being so excited about the stickers. But i don't care...i stuck them on my Weigh In booklet, trying to hide my big smile.

The door is opening, just a crack, to my new, healthier lifestyle.

I'm ready to sling it wide open...

Well then....

...this morning, since it is a Sunday, i decided to hop on our scale. Not sure why, as i've tried to stay a far away from the scale as i can except for weigh-in morning. I stepped on the scale and it read:

199.8

I'm doing this. I am really doing this WW thing. Granted, it's been day by day and at times, minute by minute, but i'm doing it. I'm doing it.

To say that i'm cautiously thrilled is an understatement. Because i still hear those voices of self doubt, telling me that i'll fail at this yet again. That i will always be the FAT chubby mommy. That i'll never get healthy. That i won't ever change and i'll always be the same, with the same horrible habits that got me here to begin with.

I have quite a bit to go till i reach my goal of 130 lbs.

In fact, i have 69 lbs, to be exact.

But that's okay, because my new habits need time to become my daily habits.

I've made peace with the fact that i'll have to weigh some of my food, and measure the rest of it. It is what it is, as my husband tells me. If i have to measure and weigh myself to my goal, then so be it.

I'll do it.

One meal at a time.

One day at a time.

And this......

....is what i use as inspiration when i am ready to throw in the towel and give up.

Oy....

Dear Emma's 4th Birthday Cake,

You may have won today, but i have learned my lesson. No longer will i make a birthday cake that is to stay in our home without supervision. No longer will i keep the cake in the house after we have ONE piece. No longer will i pretend that i am stronger than you are. You may be stronger right now, but i now have a plan.

I have a plan and i refuse to let you destroy the path that i am now on.

I hope to be stronger than you one day. So, dear birthday cake, you are on notice.

I may have lost today, but you won't get me again.