Can you see me now?

It's obvious that chubby fat people aren't invisible. Really, we are hard to miss. Not only are we larger than the next person, folks feel the need to stare at us to show us how they aren't missing any step we take. The looks of, well, disgust are easy to see. You can ignore these looks but they pierce your very soul. You also seem to instantly become a mind reader as their thoughts seem to shout at you:

~"If you weren't so lazy, fatty, you wouldn't look like that!"
~"Yeah, like you really need to be eating here at THIS restaurant!"
~"Now THAT is gross...."

...and so on.

It's no wonder why some of us have yucky feelings of ourselves that we seem to carry with us where ever we go. Like i mentioned earlier, i am in awe of folks who love (and i mean REALLY!) love themselves. What a gift to give yourself! I can't imagine the feeling of being in love with myself. I'm too busy thinking: "If i loose fifty, or sixty pounds, i'll be cute and THEN i'll be happy and then no one will ignore me again."

I'd be happy with self love, i think...

I use to love wearing Clinque makeup. Loved the stuff. One day, i ran out of base and decided to go to the mall to pick some up. There was a really pretty salesperson behind the counter helping a customer so i waited my turn. She didn't acknowledge me, but she was helping someone else. Another customer joined me a few moments later and this pretty salesperson looked over at her and said "I'll be right with you!". Yeah, i was the overweight customer. Heck, maybe i was invisible, too. I tried to tell myself that the salesperson didn't ignore me on purpose...but it was a feeling that i had. Once the saleslady finished helping the customer, she approached the customer that came after me and said "I'll help you now." without a back look at me. I could feel my face burn and my heart, well, hurt. I picked up my bag and left, promising myself that i would never be back, that i would never, ever wear Clinque again. And, almost 15 years later, i have kept that promise. No, not very mature of me as i should have spoken up and didn't. I found a Mary Kay rep who i love and who helps me and actually acts like she can see me.

Will loosing weight may folks 'see' me? Or is everyone just seeing my outsides anyway?

Another "New" Start....

...which is kinda funny as i've had so many "new" starts on this road that i can't even remember what "new" number to start on. Such it goes with diets, exercise, healthy living, liking/loving yourself; it seems like a never ending battle. But, calling it a "new" start makes it sounds so less dreadful and full of hope, don't you think?

Since i'm not comfortable being fat chubby, i'm writing this blog in the comfort of well, being unknown. It makes it much easier to write this way about things such as fat, chubby, my love of cupcakes, and well, my "newest" start. I will be more honest if i think that no one is reading or if no one knows who i am. Yes, i would love to just be an unknown, i think. I also have another blog about my daughter that i have a few followers but, well, i'm not comfortable with this side of me. (Nothing like having a public blog about your life and not being comfortable with who you are, eh?) And so, i'm going to blog this way. A bit deceptive, i know, but forgive me.

I've never been comfortable in this body of mine; whether skinny, fat or chubby. As a child, i was thin, as a teenage i was chubby but due to a sickness, lost a lot of weight and became a member of the skinny club and as i've gotten older, well, i've re-newed my membership card with the fat club. As of this morning, i weigh 189.6lbs. I've been much heavier; i believe my all time high was at 250lbs. With the help of Weight Watchers, i've made it to where i am now but i am stuck and now on a search for something else. Aren't we all, though?

I've also been a member of the various clubs: Weight Watchers (they should make me an honorable member because i've joined so many times!), Jenny Craig (which i liked, but a bit too expensive), a Weigh Down Group (please, don't even ask about this bunch....) and now i'm on a Metabolism B kick. I'm still reading this book but no book has ever described me in so many ways. It's a low carb way of eating-i truly believe that i should have name this blog "Tales of a Carb Junkie" as carbs are what i seem to love eat the most! (note to self: think about changing the name of blog to this.....) :)

I didn't like weighing in front of some woman who WAS at her "goal" weight. The "Oh, you lost this week!" or the dreaded "Oh, my. You gained this week. But NEXT week, you'll do better!" was enough to drive me to the nearest doughnut shop to sooth my soul. I did love having a 'personal' consultant; of course, they were also all at their 'goal' weight but seemed struggling to stay there. I don't know if it's possible to do this journey alone to be fit but i think it's important to try and find one's way without mindless chatter from someone whose job depends on you being fat and not loosing weight.

I am envious of women who love themselves. I mean truly love themselves and are comfortable in their own skin. I seem to keep trying on skins for size and at 42, well, it's a bit tiring. I also have that voice that speaks to me in a horrible, ugly way....working on making that voice go away must be a top priority this time around as i am also sick of hearing it. It's not much fun to hear: "Step away from that cupcake, Fatty!" in your head; hearing the words "Step Away" are fine....but the "Fatty" part? Let's just say that i can well do without that.

More later....my cute, little TerrorTot is calling.