mmmm....Soup.

TACO SOUP

1 lb. lean ground turkey or beef, browned and drained

1 can black beans

1 can kidney beans

1 can pinto beans (or can use FF refried beans or any mix of beans you like)

2 cans corn, drained

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can Rotel tomatoes (or regular)

1 envelope taco seasoning

1 envelope ranch dressing mix

2 c. water

~Mix all ingredients and simmer at least 30 minutes Slow cooker: Cook on low 6-8 hours.

Okay, this isn't....

...working. Apparently, i need to be weighed in front of a person that i don't know and attend meetings weekly because doing this healthy thing on my own isn't working. At all. Zip. Nada. None. I really don't know what in the world i was thinking when i quit WW to "do this on my own". I need that support, i need that accountability, every freakin' week.

And so, back i go. There is a meeting that i can go to on Thursday mornings. Back i go, for the SIXTH seventh time. I should get an award for most times joined...but i know that it works for me. I know it does. And thankfully, i won't know a soul at this new meeting because of our recent move. How lucky is that?!? I won't have to hear "It's SO good to see you again!!" or better yet, "Welcome Back!!" that the woman at the counter says to you in that sing-sing voice that makes you want to rip the scale off the wall and throw it out the door.

sigh....time to dig out my measuring stuff and start looking for new recipes. As much as i love Taco Soup, i can't eat it every day. I'm not sure that i'm going to join the boards again as there is too much bickering sometimes. Maybe i'll just stalk the boards....

I need to find that pedometer of mine. I wonder where i tossed that thing? Oh, yes, that's right, i stomped on it till it broke one afternoon after a walk where i got rained on. Yeah, that's the kind of person i am....so i guess i need to get a new one.

I'll be sure to report on my first "official" weigh in....i promise.

One foot in front....

....of the other. It seems that i've been on this 'getting healthy' kick forever. Of course, when you start off at 249 lbs, i suppose it should feel that way. It's almost become a dance of sorts; one or three steps forward and then one or five steps back. It's hard. It's very hard. And sometimes, i really, really don't want to do this anymore. I want to be like a normal person. Someone who doesn't have to plan what they will put into their mouths on a daily basis. Someone who can just eat to live instead of planning their life around what they will eat next. The reality of it, however is this: I will always be one of "those" people who have to think about, monitor, and watch what goes into her mouth. I'll always be one of "those" people who will have to exercise and exercise hard. I'll always, always be one of "those" people.

It's not a realization that i like. But it is what it is. I wish that i had started earlier. I wish that i had never stopped taking care of me. I could blame it on a horrific first marriage that i barely came out of....i could blame it on a lot of things. But i am the one who chose to have food become my best friend and my comfort. I was the one who chose to eat food that was less than healthy. I was the one who didn't care about herself. I was the one who was on her way to eating herself to death, it seems. I was the one who made food the most important thing in my life. I was the one who didn't exercise. I was the one who sat on the couch when i should have been exercising. I was the one who did all of that stuff.

When food is your best friend, there is little room for anything else. It's a hard "person" to break up with because it (food) never goes away. It's always there, in the background, waiting to hold your hand, comfort your soul, dry your tears. It's an easy habit to go back to. It's so easy, in fact, that it scares me like nothing else. And i'm no where near winning this battle. I wish that i could figure out all of the "whys" in why i eat, and all of my triggers. I use to think that the "whys" and the "triggers" didn't matter but i am slowly (and i do mean S-L-O-W-L-Y) realizing that if i don't figure out the "whys" and the "triggers", i may never will this battle.

I put the ticker on top of my page to see daily where i am at. I know what i need to do. I even know how i'm suppose to do it. I even know why it's so important for me to do it.

I just wish sometimes that i didn't have to do it.

Precious

The most amazing article about an actress named Gabourey Sidibe, that who played Claireece Precious Jones in the movie "Precious". I am in awe of her. She was amazing in this movie. You can read the entire article HERE

I was stunned when i read this part of the article:

"She adds, "People always ask me, 'You have so much confidence. Where did that come from?' It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. I wear colors that I really like, I wear makeup that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps. It doesn't have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it's your home, and," she chuckles, "you must decorate it."

I am going to decide that i am beautiful, too. I am going to carry myself that way from this moment forward. You must love yourself so that no matter what ANYONE tells you, it doesn't matter....because you love yourself and that's enough.

Friendship...

I've never had many women "friends". I've chatted with many women but not in the sense that we become close friends. My circle has always been very small of women that i talk to. I guess that 'sharing' isn't one of my strongest personality traits. That or i secretly think that no one wants to be friends with an overweight woman...sigh.

But that was until i moved here and met Melinda.

She was in my MOPS group and i knew of her, but she sat at another table and so i didn't really get to know her until this move. She's very tall, stunningly beautiful and not a skinny person. But she is truly one of the most beautiful women i have ever seen. Melinda is so, well, dang, i guess stylish is the best word to describe her. She's a size 16, and no matter what she puts on, she's beautiful.

And i think that a lot of that is how she carries herself. Very self confident, very sure of herself, very talented. Which completely confused me...if you wore a size larger than a size 2, were you 'allowed' to be that way? Lord knows that i've never acted like i loved myself like she did. I wanted to rub up against her because i was hoping that some of her would stick to me.

We've become friends. I think that some of the friendships that i've had since moving here were friendships that i felt like i was the only one investing in the friendship. Perhaps that's why it's so difficult to sustain friendships. They take work on both sides, i think, and sometimes, well, i guess life gets in the way.

Melinda also became my Zumba partner at the Y. I can't tell you the difference it made to have her there, even if she did dance so much better than i did. I dance like my legs are tied together, sigh....but it is fun. I can't believe that i enjoy Zumba the way i do.

She's had to stop going to the Y due to medical issues....i, who have no medical issues, of course, think that's my ticket to stop, too. I am hoping that i am going to realize, soon, that this is MY journey and that "I" need to take charge of it.

But, it's really nice to have a friend who i can chat with, share with, and who understands how motherhood, while lots of fun most times, can drive you batty other days. I am hoping to learn from her how to love myself. Not just pretend to love myself, but really love myself. It shouldn't be that hard, should it? Where ever i go, there i am. At the age of 40, i should have learned to become friends with myself...

...and to take care of myself like i am my best friend. Because i deserved that, don't i?

Happy New Year's Day!

This photo has always made me smile. It is beyond a cute photo of my little Cupcake that was taken almost a year and a half ago. Not a care in the world, enjoying the sun in a cute bathing suit....living life as it should be lived. How ironic it is that i want my little daughter's self confidence?

I had a dream last night that i ran a marathon. It was a huge marathon with lots of other runners. Everyone was ahead of me, running faster than i was. I was suppose to finish by noon but no one (including me!) thought that this was possible, much less me finishing at all. But i kept running, slowly, towards the finish line. Everyone kept encouraging me, yelling for me to keep going. Noon keep getting closer....and i didn't finish by noon. But i did finish the marathon by ten minutes after noon. And i was thrilled that i did it. Happy and proud that i did it and didn't give up.

See some parallels?

And so it begins again in this New Year. I may not get to where i'm going on time, but i will get there this time.

I know i will.