A Room With A View....

I saw some photos taken of me yesterday. I was horrified, upset, disgusted, ashamed, and simply stunned. Not sure why i was stunned....i know that i am fat as a freakin' whale obese. Still though, i don't "feel" like i look like that woman in the photos. I feel pretty. Heck, some days, i even feel beautiful. But after seeing these photos, seeing truly how i look, well, i am truly ashamed.

It's not a secret how i got here. I ate too much and didn't move my tail enough. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. But it makes my heart hurt to be here. It makes my soul hurt to be here. I am not only fat, but unhealthy. And if i continue this way, i am in a lot of trouble.

Thinking of a plan.....thinking of a plan.

I need a plan desperately.

Another one of those days....

....where there truly isn't enough cheese, cupcakes, lasagna or diet coke to make it better. I truly believe that if a traveling circus would come through my town, i would join it and run away from home.

But Mommies can't run away from home. Truly, i love being a Mother. But today is one of those days that has me questioning what in the heck i was thinking. My little, cute daughter is a freakin' drama queen. She has turned into a holy terror-tot. Of course, she's only this way at home. Her pre-school teacher thinks she's "just the sweetest little thang!". This little "thang" is going to drive me insane. Everything.....and i mean EVERYTHING is cause for whining. Or crying. Or throwing yourself on the floor.

It's enough to make a person want to eat themselves to death.

Okay, maybe not really.

I feel horrible for complaining. Really, i do. But these past few days, i have celebrated when she's tucked safely into bed and i can just bask in quietness. Last night, i wanted to turn in my Mommy badge. How horrible is that?

Enough....i'm off to suck down a diet coke.

Fall is here....

I love Fall. It truly is my favorite time of the year. The leaves begin to change color, the air becomes cooler and it seems that everything nature wise is slowly going to sleep until the return of Spring. Most people, i think, prefer Spring, because of the blooming of plants and the promise of warmer weather; but Fall gives me the sense of hope for some reason. And of course, the holidays are around the corner and all of the events that come with that. As much as i think that i love the holidays, the truth is, it's not been the same since my Mother passed away in January 2007. Her missing presence is difficult; truth be told, she will never be replaced. No one can cook like she can, no one can smile like she can, no one, well, you get the point.

I am 'planning' on starting running on Monday. I have found a website called "Couch to 5K" so now there is a plan. Surely i can do this if i follow the plan. In last Runner's World, there were folks who started back running much older than i and continue to run. I want to be a runner. I want to do a 5K. I want to do a half marathon. Maybe one day, i can do a whole marathon.

Maybe. Maybe one day....

Am i invisible?

Dear Husband

This morning was difficult for me. While i understand that you are under an insane amount of pressure at work, and i understand how you feel about many things, i do not understand all that there is to understand about you. I more than likely never will understand everything there is to understand about you, and that's okay.

But what is not okay, and hurts me to my core, is the way you sometimes dismiss me. I know that i am not the sharpest tool in the shed, and no where near as smart or intelligent as Mary or Thea, but i am not stupid and i do have feelings. I think with my emotions and my heart; i always have and i'm willing to bet that i always will. That's just me and it is what it is; but it by no means makes me stupid nor should make you roll your eyes at me. You might as well tell me to shut up when you roll your eyes at me.

I have tried my very best to see many things you've told me. I do understand why you want to sell the company. I do understand why you don't want more children. I do understand why you wanted to move us out here. If you came to me tomorrow and told me we had to move to a insanely smaller house because you wanted to dig ditches, i would move if it was truly something that you felt that strongly about. No, i probably wouldn't be overjoyed and would probably think that you were more than borderline insane---but if i saw you truly wanted this, i would do my damnest to at the very least, understand and look into what was ahead for us. You are my husband and i am committed to seeing you happy and this marriage be a happy one. If it means that much to you, i'd buy you the damn shovel so you could go dig.

Moving here was difficult for me. When i walked into the house, it was a "wow" moment for me, but it didn't feel like home. Home for me felt like the house in Hidden Point. It hurt to hear you point out everything wrong with that house. I thought that i had found a home for us, one that you would have liked. Instead, you listed everything that was wrong in it; never realizing for a moment that it was a house that i saw potential in. You never asked me what i loved about that house. You never sat me down and asked me why that house. By the time we found this house, i realized that you would be the one to find our home with little input from me. Do i love where we are now? I am slowly starting to like my area, but this house needs paintings hung, photos hung in order for me to start feeling like it's a home. We haven't done any of that.

When the issue of selling the stock came up, i did say something after keeping quiet. But now, there is a damn loan payment to make. I felt like a complete looser telling you how i felt....i just wanted you to understand that i just wanted to be asked what i thought. You then took it another direction and took out the loan. No more talk to me about it, you just did it.

I sometimes feel that you forget that i am here in this marriage, too. I'm not just a stay-at-home mother with a mush brain who doesn't think about tomorrow and doesn't have hopes, ideas and dreams. Do you know what any of those hopes, ideas and dreams are? Do you know that i, too have a bucket list? Do you know what's on that bucket list? Do you know that i'm starved for your attention? Do you know what i would give for you to kiss me----really kiss me like i was the most important woman in your life? I feel you slowly going your way while i am sitting here looking in the other direction. I don't expect you to worship the ground i walk on; but i feel like you have no passion for me, no desire at all for me. I felt that when i married you, i loved you in a way that you didn't love me; but i was very sure that you eventually would. Now, well, i'm not so sure that will ever happen. It doesn't seem to bother you that we are now going on three years since we've made love. Almost three years. But when i've brought it up, you listen, and then do nothing. You asked me about candles and baths....why would i go there when i'm so sure that you aren't in the least bit interested in me?

Emma is the light in my life. I love this child with everything that i have. And i refuse to see you ever roll your eyes at her or dismiss her when she's older. Being a mother stresses me in ways i didn't know was possible. It makes me insane some days. But i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am a good mother. I helicopter mother, yes, but a good mother. I will not screw up being a mother. This is the most important job i have ever had, and i'm going to do it right. You may feel like an old fart, but i don't. You may have made up your mind about children, but i haven't. But that is no reason to roll your eyes at me when i speak of adopting again. You could pretend to be interested in why i want another child. You could pretend that what i have to say is of interest to you. I have no idea why we are going to EAC's seminar on the 24th; i should have told them that we had plans.

We have huge issues, and i'm scared that if we don't stop going in the direction that we are going, there will be trouble ahead. I'm sure that the list of things that i do that irritate you is endless....but i'm at the point where i don't know what to do. I just know that there are issues that we aren't taking care of.

I love you....

Chubby Mommy