Temper

One of the things i try not to do is yell and lose my temper at my little daughter. I still remember how it felt to be yelled at at a young age (it's a Spanish thing, i think....we yell and forgive in the time span of 5 seconds) and it felt horrible to have someone so much bigger than me yell at me.

I lost my temper about an hour ago at my little daughter.

She is sleeping now, hands tucked under her little chin like she is saying her prayers.

I feel horrible.

Why did i lose my temper?

I was folding laundry in the bedroom and i heard some noises coming from the kitchen. My little snack monster had gotten into the little bags of cookies, which to be honest with you, i shouldn't have in this house anyway. The little bags of cookies are the perfect size for her to have as a treat for after school with a glass of milk though. I think that maybe what i'm upset about: i am using cookies as a 'treat' for her. You know, "if you have a good day at school, you can have a treat!" kinda thing.

Of course, truth be told, i'm upset with myself and not her....

I desperately don't want her to have my eating habits. I don't want sugar to be considered a 'food' group for her. I don't want her to think of food as 'treats'. I want her to see food as i wish i could see it: fuel for our bodies. Somewhere along the line, i started seeing food as the reason for everything. Need to celebrate? Let's get great food! Holiday? Let's get great food! Are we sad? Let's get great food! Are we happy? Hooray! Let's get lots of great food.

I don't want her to be like me.

I don't want food to be her friend.

A Very Long Weekend...

Note to self: Never, ever, EVER let your husband go to Costco alone and hungry. Trust me on this one, folks. He came back with more garbage (read: cupcakes, bagels, etc) than either one of us need. While i can blame him for bringing it to the house, i can't blame him for me eating two (sigh) carrot cake cupcakes. I should have followed my first instinct and thrown those freakin' cupcakes in the trash as soon as i saw them....but nope, i didn't.

Why is just walking away from food (okay, not 'good' food, but cupcakes!) so hard? Why do i hear this voice inside saying: "Oh, you have worked SO hard these past few days! It won't hurt! Look at it as a "reward"...." You would think that i was a dog the way i reward myself with treats!

sigh.....

woof

Re-Sparking....

....again. You would think that it would be easier to just keep "the Spark" alive instead of letting it burn out, yes? And yet, it seems i haven't learned this yet. I am thinking that perhaps i should just set my self on fire each morning so this won't happen again.

For those of you who don't know what "Spark" is, it is this: an AMAZING website to help you get a 'spark' to get healthy and to lose weight. There are boards to meet others who are like you, there is a place to log your food, a place to log your exercise, a place to blog, graphs/tracking/tickers for your weight and a place to meet others who are on the same journey that you're on. There are SIMPLE EASY plans to follow. There is even a recipe site attached to Spark with a gazillion recipes! Every think you need to get healthy and fit is right there.

The very best thing about Spark?

It's TOTALLY FREE!

FREE, FREE, FREE, FREEEEE!

All of it....okay, if you want to buy The Spark Book, it'll cost you a little. To buy the Boot Camp video costs a little, too. But honestly, The Spark website is amazing.

If you want to check it out yourself, you can click HERE

Okay, off my Spark soapbox!

It is scary to look back and to see how long i've been talking about getting healthy. I seem to have wasted a lot of time talking, planning, thinking, talking some more instead of just following the suggestions of Spark and picking three small goals and starting from there. I must think that i am a professional Sparking or something! If i would just FOLLOW the plan that is here; that's all i have to do. It's already all done for me. It's already proven to work. Instead, i have "planned" my own way.....which has lead me back to the same exact starting point each and every time. It's almost like Ground Hog Day for me!

One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

One moment at a time.

One second at a time.

It is apparent to me that i need more help with getting on the bandwagon, so i've found a therapist. I have to figure out what in the heck is going on. One thing is for sure, though: i am following The Spark plan. I have picked out my three mini-goals to start with. I am making my motivation sheet. I am going to blog. And i am going to drink the water. I am to the point where i don't give a flip how long it takes me, i am going to get healthy and lose this weight....i am rock bottom and there is no where to go but up from where i am.

Rock bottom is not a good place to be. It is like a pit of despair that you can't seem to get out of or shake off. It is a sad, rotten place to be. I've been here for a bit now, and if i don't get out soon, i'm worried at what i would do to get healthy.

Yeah, it sucks that much. :o/

Even the sight of Spring has not helped me much. Spring is the time of re-birth and new beginnings, right? I have to get help with this. I have to...

Wish me good vibes, my friends....please.