Why not to....

....make a blueberry cobbler:

~Although, yes, blueberries ARE good for you, eating a entire blueberry cobbler is not.

~You will not take a small "bite" and leave the rest alone.

~You will add more sugar for cobbler than the recipe calls for.

~You will eat bite, after bite, after bite, until the entire cobbler is gone.

~You will get sick in the middle of the night because you ate a entire blueberry cobbler.

oh, yes, i did.

I ate 97% of a blueberry cobbler last night. The only reason that i didn't eat the entire 100% is that i had to bring my husband a cup of it. Otherwise, it would have been mine.

So, then, lets add 'blueberry cobbler' to the "red list" of foods below.

sigh.

I suck.

Reading.....

...yet another book to try and understand why i am the way i am.

As if the answer can be found in a book?

At this point, i'll look anywhere...even in a book.

The book i'm reading now is called "Hungry" by Allen Zadoff. He hit 350 pounds at 28 years old and started the next many years doing the dieting dance. He's funny...and does have some insight. But, his insights are sometimes scary.

I'm on the "Red, Yellow, Green" chapter. I'm suppose to make a list of my "Red" foods, which are foods i can't handle. Basically that means that i am to list any foods that i can't stop eating once i start.

"Red Foods":
~Anything chocolate
~Cake/Cupcakes, Muffins
~Candy
~Doughnuts
~Toasted Sourdough bread with butter
~Sodas
~Oreos
~Cereal (especially sugary ones....)
~Bagels (toasted with Cream Cheese...)

Behaviors i can't handle are next. These are the behaviors that cause me to make bad choices, overeat, etc.

"Red Behaviors":
~being anxious?
~getting nervous or stressed?

"Yellow Foods":
~Ice Cream
~Sandwiches like Grilled Cheese
~Potato chips/chips in general
~Steak

"Green Foods":
~Spinach
~Veggies (all...)
~Chicken
~Fruit

Great, here's the bad part of this "Traffic Light" scenario.

"Think of this list like your own personal food traffic light. Green foods are always "go". Yellow foods mean "caution". And red foods and behaviors stop you dead in your tracks."

And it gets worse...

"Ignore the traffic signals and you risk accident and injury. You speed up when you see a yellow. If it's late at night and nobody is looking, especially a police officer, you may just run the red light or drive up on the sidewalk."

sigh...yeah, i would run a red light for a doughnut or two. And i would probably drive on the sidewalk if i was anxious enough.

If you're a 'food junkie', you must abstain from your red light foods and behaviors.

And guess what, folks?

I'm pretty dang sure that i'm a food junkie like this guy.

Doesn't it suck that my favorite foods are on the red list and my not-so-favorite foods are on the green list?

I still have some way to go on this book....but i do see it. I get anxious, i grab a red light food....and there i go, eating my weight in whatever poison i have in my grubby little hand.

So.....if i take away being anxious, being a nervous ball of fluff, take away the red light foods....

....maybe i have a chance at being normal. Whatever that is.

It is an interesting concept, though and one that i've never considered.

Off to read more...

Still struggling...

...and i am truly bothered by it. It's not like it takes a genius or a rocket scientist to know what it takes to be healthy. It's not like i don't know. And yet, i "pretend" that i'm going to do this. I "pretend" that i have what it takes to do this. I "pretend" that THIS time, i'm serious. I "pretend" that i'm ready, that i'm strong enough to do this.

I rush up to the starting line to put my toes on it...and BANG!

I go no where very fast.

Do i have to hit dirt bottom to realize that this is truly serious? Do i have to have a freakin' heart attack to get it? Do i have to have diabetes to understand just how important it is that i take care of me and loose the rest of this weight? Do i have to continue to huff and puff up my stairs to understand the seriousness of the fact that very soon, i'll be FAT MOMMY and not CHUBBY MOMMY?

Apparently so.

Because apparently, i don't get it.

It's insane odd that i don't "think" that i'm overweight, isn't it? I look at myself in the mirror, and don't see an overweight me. What in the world am i looking at?!?! I love how i'll occasionally be somewhere and see this cute, fat woman and think to myself, "Dang, she'd be really beautiful if she lost that weight!" and then realize, in horror, that it is MY reflection that i'm looking at.

I just think it's insane that i have clothes that go from size 12 to size 16 in my closet. Really, i do. At this rate, i might as well start buying clothes that are even bigger. And this is really hysterical: I refuse to buy size 18 clothes. I guess that i'll be running around naked if i hit a size 18.

I actually watch "The Biggest Looser" and eat a snack while i'm watching.

I am insane.

sigh.

What is it going to take for me to get off my butt? I know how i feel when i'm doing the things that make me healthy. I know how i feel when i'm doing the things that don't make me healthy. There is a lot of difference in those two feelings. And yet, even that's not enough for me. It's almost like i need a diet babysitter to keep me on track.

And maybe, what scares me the most, is if i do get healthy, if i do the hard work, in the end, will i fail and end up where i first began? Is that worse than never getting there? Failing? At least this way, geeze, i've already failed by not even trying.

I want to scream at myself: "Stop THINKING about doing this, and JUST DO IT!"

Because just thinking, well, does nothing.

I want to go to the Pilate's class tomorrow morning, but as usual, i'm worried that i'll be the only overweight one there. Like that should be my biggest concern, right? I should be concerned that i'll die in the middle of the class because i can't get through it.

I have an amazing treadmill here at home that is gathering dust. No one will see overweight me if i got on it.

Enough complaining.

Enough.

I'm tired of listening to me already.

Maybe i'll pick just one healthy thing to do a week. Like for the rest of the week, i'll commit to going to the classes i've picked out. Surely that i can do just ONE thing, right?

Okay, that's what i'm going to try.