The Metabolism B Book...

And so i'm on a new book called "Metabolism B". This book describes me to a "T". I am, above all things, a serious carb lover: i love breads, i love pastas, i love bagels, i love cake, i love cupcakes, i love sweet cereal and i love milk. I love a good sugar rush...

And i'm an anxiety eater. I know this. My heart beats faster and the one thing that calms me down is food. You know, my best friend, my partner in arms, my lover, the one thing i can always count on. It is time to say good-bye to this little love affair of mine and find a new way to live.

For the first eight weeks, carbs are almost non-existent. Yeah. Scary, eh? Even scarier is that i have stopped drinking caffeine drinks like my favorite Coke Zero. But not too bad. For breakfast, i have turkey bacon and eggs. For snacks, i can have almonds, low fat cheese (which isn't too bad) and this book does have many recipes that i can try. For lunch, i usually have half of a low carb wrap and sliced ham and a slice of cheese with a caffeine free diet coke. Dinner is usually some kind of meat. I've also started taking prenatal vitamins at night. Although i have my moments (and that cupcake melt-down that occurred two days ago...) i feel better. It's almost like i am more clear headed. Okay, yes, i am a little irritable at times. Hopefully, this will go away soon. The book tells me that the hardest part is the beginning, and i think that is pretty much on target.

What else is on target is that i'm stick of feeling fat, looking fat, feeling tired, feeling ugly and so very sick of hating looking at myself in the mirror. I've spent so much of my life hating what i look like. I can't tell you the times i've heard: "It's more important what's on the inside than on the outside." But is that really, honestly true? For most women, i wonder. I love how Emma loves her belly button. She'll point at it and scream "bwelly bwutoon!". She loves all of her parts! Her toes, her arms, her belly, her legs. And here i am, the adult, and my running list is all of the things that i hate about my body. Something is truly wrong with that, i think.

So, we'll see how this thing goes. I am measuring and weighing on Monday morning and recording it in the book and from there, i'm only suppose to do that once a month.

Yeah. I know....

Go away, inner voice.

In a rut....

I am in a rut. Why you ask? Because i decided to eat my way though Labor Day. I must have thought that it was "Eat-Your-Way-During-Labor-Day" instead of just plain ol' Labor Day. I do believe that i ate my weight in cake, chips, dip....you know, anything that looked like a carb. If i thought it was loaded with carbs, i inhaled it. So much for that low-carb way of eating, eh?

And now, i feel, literally, like crap. The lesson here is that when you eat crap, you feel like crap. It's Wednesday and i still feel like crap. I think that i should immediately go beat myself in the head with my Metabolism B book; and re-read it AGAIN. I hate feeling this way. I know why i feel this way. So why do i do it, time and time again? Am i truly that stupid?

I try not to hate myself. Really. I do try. But at times like this, i can't stand me. I don't want to look at me, be me, or even think about me.

And that is truly sad.

I SCREAM, You SCREAM....

....we all SCREAM for ice cream.