Time to get......

...."moo-ving".

I just kill me some days....

After a week of not tracking my food, i have kicked myself in the rear and i am back on track. There is a lot going on right now; my dear friend Ms. Jo is now in Hopsice care and i've been visiting her the past 5/6 weekends. It's an honor to be invited into her life like this, but it makes my heart and soul ache. She is so very sick, just like my Mama was. I hope that God grants her mercy in her final days for peace. With all of that and the emotions that come with it, well, i just didn't feel like tracking. I know that life happens, but i just didn't feel like bothering with it. I actually did okay not tracking, though as i weighed in this morning at 196.8. Truly, i was expecting a horrible number, so i am a little pleased with myself.

I suppose my "new" habits are starting to sink it...which is a good thing as those habits will have to be life-long habits. And honestly, it's not been as horrible as i always make it up to be in my mind. It's just 'different'. Different as in choosing the healthy choice instead of choosing your "go-to" unhealthy choice. I do know that i feel so much better when i eat this way and stay in my range. Eating fresh fruit is now a great go-to and can be carried in my purse. My nifty new water bottle can also be carried everywhere. I just have to plan and even more importantly, THINK about what i'm doing and the choices that i'm making. Reaching for whatever unhealthy food i can get my hands on is so much easier than thinking ahead; go figure.

If you KINDA do it, then it KINDA works!

If you REALLY do it, then it REALLY WORKS!

grrr.....

My scale is broken.

It's not even that old.

I guess getting on and getting off every. single. day. took it's toll on the stupid thing.

I would have figured that i would have been thrilled with the stupid thing not working....nope. I want a new scale and i want it now.

grrr....

Random...

It's Monday morning and another week.

I'm thankful for another week.

This week, i've started with "measuring" my food accurately instead of just guessing. What a novel idea, eh? It's amazing to see what a cup of milk actually looks like, or a cup of cereal. Sadly, it seems that i've been eating A LOT more than one cup of cereal! I've also started eating in my daughter's food and bowl plates. I really should have done that in the beginning, but really just didn't think about it. Kinda funny to see that the portions that i SHOULD be eating fit perfectly into her plates....no wonder i got to weigh way over 210 pounds. I'm willing to bet that is the problem of many folks, eating to fill a plate instead of eating a portion size.

I also made a promise to myself that i would never force Emma to clean her plate because of "starving children in Africa". She eats when she's hungry and stops when she isn't and i'm going to do my best to make sure that she stays that way. I don't want her to find comfort in food....especially when there are so many other things to find comfort in.

Yesterday, i saw how easy it is to go back to bad habits when tracking isn't happening. I didn't track on Saturday or Sunday and ate like it. Truly goes to show me that being accountable for what i put into my mouth by tracking is important to my success. While that thought use to really irritated me, i now have made peace with the fact that if i have to track for the rest of my life to get and stay at a healthy weight, then so be it. It will be worth it. It is what it is and it's okay. It's too easy for me to eat like an insane woman otherwise.

I'm going to my normal WW meeting tomorrow, but i'm unsure about weighing in as i just weighed in on Saturday. I can't wait to see Janet and my other friends...i feel so much more at home at that meeting than i do at the meeting i went to on Saturday. Maybe i'll just keep going to the meeting on Tuesdays and just weigh in on Saturdays so i can see Karen.

Fifth Weigh-In

....went okay. I was really excited when i weighed in at home before i left as i weighed in at 195.0 which would have been my 5% goal. I ended up weighing in at 196.8 so i now have a total of -8.8 for my first five weeks.

And yes, i did want the total of my first five weeks to be minus twenty, totally unrealistic, pounds. Totally fantasy, i know, but hey, if you are going to have a fantasy, make it a good one.

I went into a different meeting this morning, which is really closer than the one i usually go to. While i met really great women, i still prefer Janet. She, is amazing, so i'll be going back to her meeting but i am seriously considering weighing in on Saturday mornings at Franklin. I just like weighing in on that day better....even though i'm sure that it's totally in my head.

After i weighed, i went into the meeting room, and boy was it packed! I saw a seat in the very back row and there was a young woman sitting there in that row. I realized the look she had on her face. It was one that i've seen on my face often: it's the "i'm invisible" look. She was really pretty, but i'm sure that she didn't think so. I asked her if i could sit next to her, and she smiled and said "sure" so i sat next to her. Her name is Karen and this was her first week. I decided right then and there that Karen and i would be friends. I told her that i was on my fifth week and that i knew that she would love the program. We chatted, laughed and giggled as we talked about me walking at the crack of dawn so that no one would see me. I need a friend, and i hope that she does too. I'll see if we can trade phone numbers or email addresses next Saturday....yeah, she's one of the reasons that i want to go back on Saturday.

Maybe, just maybe, a long friendship can be made on this journey of mine.

The day before...

.....my weigh in. One of these days, i hope, the "day-before-weigh-in" won't be such a stupid, big deal for me. It's like i'm being graded on my ability to stay on the program, not taking into account anything else. I guess weigh in day IS kinda like that, but dang, does it have to be? Can't i just look at it like just a day on my journey to get healthy? I need to just focus on:

BABY STEPS

and EXERCISE

I keep telling myself that my weight didn't come on all at one time and that i shouldn't expect it to fall off all at one time. I also keep telling myself to stop comparing myself to my friend, Melinda, who has been on the program longer than i have and has already lost 20 pounds. While all of these things are stuff that i tell myself, these are also the type of things that i hear whispered in my ear:


~"Are you loosing fast enough? Maybe you're not going to loose...."

~"Do you REALLY think that YOU are going to loose this weight?!?! HA!"

~"You ONLY lost 1.6 pounds this week. So-and-so lost 3 POUNDS!"

~"You might as well go head and eat that. You're never going to loose that weight."

~"I bet you're still the fattest woman here..."

~"You are TOO old to get healthy! You're 45 for heaven's sake!"

~"You'll be ChubbyMommy FOREVER!"


I have to work on this kinda crap. There is no room for this kind of negative talk in my life. No room at all. It's not even any where near being helpful to hear these things...what bothers me, too, is that i would NEVER speak to a friend like this. I would offer encouragement, hugs, cheer them on and love on them. On me, however, i take great glee in beating me up.

I have to work on this.

And the sooner, the better.

Some days....

...on this amazingly lonnnggg weight loss journey, are incredibly long. In fact, they are too long. I never realized that i was a "i-am-bored" snacker at night. I always thought that i was only an anxiety snacker.

How thrilling to figure out that i was wrong.

sigh....

But it's okay, as i'm still figuring things out about myself. I do hate that i turned food into my best friend at times, sneaking around with food like a boyfriend that you've been told not to be with, but just can't help yourself. I wonder why some people turn to food and others to drugs or alcohol? In a way, food has been a drug; that first bite of what-ever gave me a sense of relaxation, happiness and calmness that i was searching for. Blogging is slowly taking the place of food, but i'm going to have to find a hobby or take up running. Sitting in front of the computer isn't exactly living life to the fullest, is it?

My weigh in day is coming up...and while i'm nervous because i always am at weigh in day for no reason i am hoping that all will be well. "Well" in that i loose two pounds, lol....I'm visiting another WW Center than the one i usually visit, so i'm looking forward to that. This Center is much closer than the one i currently attend, but i love the WW leader at my regular place so much! It's nice to have her notice that i am missing or for her to check up on me, just to cheer me on. Maybe one day, i can be a WW leader, too...

Maybe.

We'll see...

WHAT?!?!

This morning, with much hesitation, i got on the scale after i pee'd, pooped, undressed, took off all jewelry and prayed and i almost fell off of the scale when i saw the number.

The scale read "195"

I know, i know, i should not let a number on the scale define me. I should not let a number on the scale make or break my day. I should not let the scale dictate how i feel about me.

But for just a second, let me celebrate and be thrilled!

I have logged the past few days religiously, drank water and stayed where i was to stay in my point range. I even logged that stupid piece of fried chicken; which, btw, only put me over by 3 pts for the day. Had i not been so busy beating myself up for eating it and just logged it, it wouldn't have been the traumatic experience that i acted like it was.

I'm going to do this, damn it.

I am going to do this.

One step...

...at a time. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One meal at a time.

Yesterday, was a disaster for me. Actually, the whole day wasn't a disaster, just when the fried chicken was escorted into the house by my sweet husband who had a rotten day. He left one piece in the box and left the box on the counter...

Big, big, BIG MISTAKE.

I won't describe what happened next, but lets just say that there were no crumbs in the bottom of that box of fried chicken when i finished. No crumbs at all. I may have even licked the paper that was on the bottom of the box. Yeah, it was me at my ugliest.

And since i had eaten that, i then proceeded to eat 3 mini-granola bars at 90 calories a piece. You know, as dessert. You can't have fried chicken without a dessert, can you?

Apparently, i can't.

Today, is Tuesday, also known as Fat Tuesday. I just couldn't bring myself to weigh in on a day called "Fat" Tuesday, so i'm going to my meeting on Saturday. I'm sure that after my little food-fess yesterday evening, it would have sucked anyway.

I'm disappointed in myself. I knew i wasn't hungry. I knew that fried chicken wasn't on my plan for today. Yet, i ate like a mad-woman on crack until it was all gone. It was like being on auto-pilot; the first bite was amazing, and from there, i really couldn't tell you. How sad it is that a piece of fried chicken had me acting like a starved woman?

Not only do i have weight to loose, but i have to work on the mental part of all of this. Otherwise, i am terrified that i will re-gain all of what i am loosing and add more pounds on top of that. I can't let that happen.

I can't.

My Notebook...

I carry this little notebook in my purse because i can never remember anything so i have to write everything down. It has lots of notes in it, like books i want to read, thoughts, vents.

Today, all i would have written in it would have been:

I WANT TO EAT.

Sad, eh? I think that next week is when Mother Nature shows up for me, so that explains it, but it has not been an easy day. In fact, it has really sucked because i have to stop myself from just eating to, well, eat.

sigh.

No wonder i gained so much weight, eh?

Fourth Weigh In....

...was a surprise. I had been in Atlanta, visiting and taking care of a dear friend who has cancer and is in home hospice care. Eating, well, was a bit of a challenge as food was being delieverd by her many friends. Amazing food, btw...amazing. The church women of the South are the most amazing cooks. I did take fruit with me, but i ate just enough to keep me from being hungry.

On Saturday morning, i had a banana on the drive down, and another banana when i stopped for gas. For lunch, i had 1/2 a slice of sourdough bread with a smear of egg salad and a ton of water. For dinner, i had a cup of spaghetti and the other half of the sourdough bread.

On Sunday morning, i had a 1-in brownie with a cup of milk. For lunch, i had a 1/2 of a slice of sourdough bread with a slice of roast beef and much more water. Dinner was the other half of the sourdough bread with a smear of egg salad.

And i drank a lot of water while i was there.

Maybe that was the factor that helped me loose this week...

Whatever the factor was, i was just thrilled that there was another loss for me.