Moving forward....

...and trying to not look back doesn't seem like the smart thing to do. I don't seem to have learned much looking back, though, except for one thing:

This learning to be healthy thing is a life-long journey and not something that i'll only do till i think i'm healthy.

I'm now in my 40ish years. Not liking how i look seems to have been a constant theme through my life as well as not thinking i'm "enough". You know, the "enough" as in not pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, or whatever-enough. How sad that i've wasted so much time in thinking that i'm not "enough"...

In my heart, i am enough. I'm enough for me. And that's what's important, isn't it?

My three year old daughter continues to be my role model in loving one's self. I wish that i could bottle up how much she takes delight in herself. In her toes. In her legs. In her hands. In her belly. In her tush. In her burps. In her farts. And in her giggles. My greatest wish is that she never looses that delight in herself...and i'm blessed that she has reminded me that in God's eyes, we are all made "perfect in His likeness".

This morning, i weighed in at 203.0 lbs. After two weeks of vacation, i'm actually pleased. I enjoyed myself this year at the beach. I wore my one piece bathing suit and swam in the water with my daughter. I wore shorts. My husband told me one evening how pretty i looked.

And you know what?

I did look pretty.

I am continuing to get healthy with a different attitude. That in getting healthy, i am loving me more. That i care enough about me to continue to get healthy. That i want to be healthy for my daughter. That i want to be healthy for my husband. That i want to be healthy for me.

A much better attitude, don't you think?

And some days....

...when i'm barely hanging on, this is what i hang on to.

Today, is one of those days.

Oddly, i know the good in my life. And i'm thankful for it. But some days, i find myself wanting not to hang on because it feels like it is too hard to hang on. I want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend that i don't exist, that i have evaporated into air. That i don't have to fight the fight to be strong, healthy or better. That i can just be in nothing-ness...

This type of thinking doesn't last long....usually because a small, cute toddler will want to see if i'm 'sweeeping' and make me smile. And i will sigh to myself, thankful for the health that i do have, thankful for this toddler who makes me view the world in a better light, and i will slowly, pull myself from under those covers and start the day with her.

I will also make myself remember that there are so many folks out in the world who would love to have my chubby legs to stand on, my eyes to see, my chubby belly that means i have enough to eat, my chubby arms that can hug my child and husband. I will make myself remember this all day long.

Because i am blessed, chubby-ness and all.

The List

Well, i've worked on this list periodically yesterday. It was sad that it was such an easy list to do; really, not much thinking at all. While i knew that my weight 'stopped' me from doing some things, well, i wasn't ready for all that it I stopped me from doing.

When i look back over photos taken years ago of me, i am surprised. I remember thinking that folks must hear moo'ing noises from me back then because i weighed so much. Please tell me how i thought this when i weighed 125lbs? What in the world is wrong with my wiring that i let myself actually think this? What is it that i see when i look in the mirror? Do i even "see" me? Why can't i just freakin' love myself, all of me, warts, bumps, rolls and all? Is loving yourself a decision that you make? Because for me, well, it doesn't come naturally.

And so....here is "the" list of things that i have not done due to how i look:

1. Running with others because of how i look
2. Dating certain men...you know the ones.
3. Wearing dresses or skirts
4. Wearing color in my clothes (other than brown, black, grey....)
5. Swimming with others
6. Going to the gym (unbelieveable, eh?)
7. Meeting new people
8. Talking in class or at meetings (after all, who wants to listen to the fat girl?)
9. Taking a yoga and pilates class
10. Not having photos taken of myself. Ever. Ever.
11. Not eating in front of others (much better to eat in secret....sigh)
12. Not going for a job interview that i was highly recommended for
13. Always wearing sleeves
14. Not going hiking, even though i have a passion for being outdoors
15. Not going to WW meetings because i didn't loose
16. Not getting family photos done because of how "i" look
17. Not taking on leadership roles
18. Not traveling unless i have to...and i love to travel
19. Not walking in my own neighborhood during the day. (I walk at 6am or after dark)
20. Not going to doctor appointments because of the scale.

What a list.

So, here is my new plan.

I am going to love myself.

All of me.

Every single bit of me.

Amazing that at the 40-ish age i am that i haven't learned how to do this yet.

I am going to be like my little three year old daughter. She loves her toes. She loves her hands. She loves her feet. She loves her legs. She loves her "cwute butt". She loves her nose. She loves her eyes and lips. She pats her belly in complete delight.

I am going to follow her lead and love me.

Stunning what you can learn from a three year old.

Of course, i'm not sure how to go about this...maybe i'll do that goofy, "I-love-me" to myself 100 times a day as a mantra.

sigh................

Another one....

...of those kinda days where it's tough to get moving. I would love, love, love to crawl back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and just stay there for a bit. But with a toddler, that's not going to happen unless i want my tot to stick her fingers in my nose to see if "Mama sweeping?!?".

It's nearly noon. Breakfast is long gone, dishes are cleaned up, beds are made, dinner is in the crock pot, laundry load has been started, another load folded, the kitchen is cleaned up, one bathroom is cleaned and my little tot is hopefully not eating entertaining herself with play-doh.

Lunch is next.

And all i can think about right this second is eating pizza. Not one slice. Maybe three slices. From my favorite pizza place. A large cheese pizza....

Forgive me....most folks have fantasies of sex. I have fantasies of food. The Food Network is my porn site, sigh...

I won't have the pizza. I'll have what i have planned. And i'll continue to crave the pizza, but i'll eat what i have planned.

Sometimes, during moments HOURS of this kind of cravings, the only thing i can do, is pray. I know it might sound odd...but that's what i do. I don't understand sometimes why i WANT things like pizza. Or chocolate cake. I'm not hungry. I know i'm not hungry. Maybe i want to eat this stuff to stop 'feeling' whatever i'm feeling.

What i do know, is that it is tiring. I think of food constantly. What i'll have for breakfast. What i'll do for a snack. What i'll have for lunch, dinner, tomorrow's dinner, next weekend's breakfast. If i spent this much brain power on other things, well, no telling how much brain i would have.

I'm tired of thinking of food. Surely normal (whatever "normal" is....) weight people don't think of food all of the time. I'd ask a normal weighed person, but really, i'm too embarrassed to even ask, and i don't know that i want to hear the answer because then i'll know for sure that i'm really as weird as i think i am.

That knowledge may be too much for today.

We are leaving for the beach next week. I would rather be beaten with 100 mosquito bites than take my body to the beach in a bathing suit...but i refuse to miss being on the beach with my daughter. This morning, i was 199 lbs...which was a pleasant surprise as i've been spending my time in the 200+ range.

And that's something i'm tired of, too.

I'm tired of my weight stopping me from things.

My gosh, when i think of the things that my weight has stopped me from doing, i get even more sick of myself.

I should make a list of those things and maybe it will be something that inspires me to keep working on being a healthier person.

Yes, i'll do that today and post it later.

What do i have to loose by not making that list?

Nothing.

Yesterday's....

....post is difficult for me to re-read. I'm still surprised that i wrote it, but blogging without an identity makes me feel safe and able to say the things that i want or need to say. I can be honest with myself and not worry about hurting or slighting some one's feelings.

Sometimes the truth, well, is hard.

And yet, another book.

Of course, another book. Because in one of these books, surely there will be my 'answer' and my 'solution'.

Like you eat when you're not hungry and you don't exercise enough....

But thus far, this book has been different.

Of course, i can't remember the title, but it's an "Oprah" book that she recommended. I think that the title is something like, "Food, Love and God" or something along those lines. The author is, well, i forgot that, too.

This book says that it's not really about the weight like i think it is. (Yes, i think that if i 'only' loose weight, i'll finally, finally be happy with me! sigh...) It's more about me eating to stop feeling. To stop feeling whatever i think that is too much to feel.

Oddly enough, i remember the first time i used food to stop 'feeling' something. In fact, i remember it so clearly, it could have happened yesterday.

I was in the third grade and my best friend and i had a horrible fight. I don't remember what it was about, just that i was horribly upset about she and i not being friends anymore. And i stayed indoors for most of that summer, eating. Which was so not like me as i would spend every single second of the day, outside, on my bike or with my best friend. I remember eating sweets. Eating, eating, and eating some more. I remember my parents trying to force me outside and me not wanting to go. In fact, i refused to leave the house. I ate and read books. And then i would eat more, and read more.

At the time, i didn't know it, but i had found my "new" best friend.

My new best friend, and who is still my best friend to this day, is food.

Food, it seems, would never let me down. It would never laugh at me, turn it's back on me, make fun of me, leave me out, hit me, yell at me, call me ugly names or leave me. It was the most dependable friend a person could want. It was always there, ready to make me feel better, comfort me, and let me pretend that things were okay. Even when they were NOT okay....food made it so.

In my senior year of high school, i became very, very sick. I had tonsillitis. I lost over 80 pounds, was hospitalized and almost didn't make it. When i went back to high school after finally getting better, i weighed about 110 lbs. I was 5'4. People who never paid any attention to me, all of a sudden, became friends. "The" popular girls became friends with me. The captain of the football team asked me on a date. People who never, ever gave me a second glance while i was fat, all of a sudden became my "friends".

I remember thinking, "As soon as they figure out that i am really that fat girl, i will be friend-less and alone again." No one ever figured it out, and i went on to college with many "friends".

I exercised during this time. A lot. I spent over 2 hours in the gym, 6 days a week and rode my bike or ran on the 7the day. Every. Single. Day. I refused to be the fat girl again. I didn't care what it took. I would not be the fat girl again. I watched every single thing i put in my mouth. I drank nothing but water, ate nothing but chicken and maybe a few spoonfuls of rice. Nothing else crossed my lips. Nothing. I was scared that my best friend would show up again, and i would fall back into that relationship of hiding and eating and being alone.

I would not be the fat girl again, i swore to myself.

It wasn't till after college, when i found a job far away and moved and then got married to my first husband, that things started to change. And they changed quickly after i got married to Jeff.

I loved him. We met at the gym that i worked at. I loved him the moment i saw him. I loved him like i had loved no other. For a while, things were so amazing, so good. He took "care" of me. He loved me. He showed me the world he lived in with drugs, alcohol. His friends adored me...and i think that this made him "love" me more.

It wasn't long before his anger showed up, and it was directed at me. He didn't mean to. It seemed he now had "different" ways of showing me his love, however, and it took it's toll on me. No more gym as i didn't want to go with bruises showing. I didn't wear anything with a short sleeve. I sometimes wore high necked things so no one could see the bruises on my neck. Makeup can only hide so much, and you can't wear sunglasses to work to hide a black eye.

I went to work, worked as much as i could, came home, tried to not make Jeff angry, sleep and then start the next day all over again. I paid for everything as he couldn't get nor keep, a job. I gave him money. I had no friends. I stayed away from my family, who i loved, because they had warned me not to marry him. I started not to go home on holidays and i called my mother less. I knew that she would be able to hear in my voice that something was terribly wrong, so i rarely called.

Alone, with no friends, i found my old best friend, food, waiting patiently for me. Maybe i thought that if i was fat, if i looked ugly, he would leave. I don't remember thinking that; but what i do know is that once again, my very best friend, was back.

I'll leave out all of the gory details, but after 12 years of marriage (yes, that was 12 YEARS of marriage), i caught him in bed with another woman. At this time, i may have weighed 180lbs. The woman that i caught him with was larger than i was. He eventually left me for her.

While now i see that as a gift from God, back then, i didn't. I continued to cuddle up with my besty, spending evenings and days eating. And i ate all of the way to 250lbs. I ate so people would stay away from me. I had no 'true' friends that i trusted or confided in.

But i did have food.

For some reason, one day, i went to a WW meeting. I wanted to prove that the program didn't work, so i did it. Imagine to my great surprise when i lost weight. In that room at the WW meeting, there were women like me. I didn't become friends with any of them, but i remember thinking, they are just like me.

I lost weight....i lost to 160lbs.

I didn't date for six years...and when i did, i invited my besty friend along.

And i ate my way back up to the 200s.

I am married now to a unbelievably good man with an amazing heart who loves me.

I have an amazing, beauty of a daughter.

I live in an amazing home; one that i use to dream of living in.

But my best friend?

Is still food.

Because in the back of my mind, i could loose all of this. I could loose my husband. My daughter will grow up and hate me. The house will go to my husband.

And i will once again, be alone.

To squash that feeling, the anxiety of being left, i eat.

Food (eating) stops that feeling and calms me.

Yes, i think that this book is on to something....