Not knowing where else to turn, I am here to begin again. I am tired of being tired. I am so very tired of being tired. I have found my rock bottom and have no where to go other than up from this point. I can't go any lower. I have an amazing husband. I have a beautiful daughter. But I am existing at this weight and use it as an excuse to not play with my daughter, or dress up to go out with my husband. I am tired do existing.... And so, I begin.....again.

Run....

No, i'm not running. It's hard to imagine me right now running at 205.3 lbs. In fact, it's hard to imagine me doing anything where i don't feel like i'm moving my mass around with lots off effort. Summer does that to you, you know. No, it's something even more unimaginable. And it's all started with a book. Not just any book, mind you, but a book called Eat To Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, M.D. Keep in mind that when i bought this book, i had no idea that this book was a 'vegan' book plan. If i had, i probably never would have picked it up. Oh, it's not that i don't like veggies, it's just that i tend to eat like it seems most Americans eat: high carbs, lots of fats, lots of breads, lots of sugar and lots of junk. Going from that to eating like a vegan is like, well, wiring my mouth shut. I thought it would be impossible for me to eat the vegan way. In fact, in my more lucid moments, i'm still not sure. But i do know this, i'm scared. I know that i'm not healthy. I know that i'm borderline (if not already) diabetic. I know my blood pressure isn't anywhere near the healthy range. I feel like staying in bed most days, not moving and only getting up to potty or eat. Thank God for my daughter and husband, otherwise, i'm sure that i would be that person. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a healthy wife and mother. And i want a life where i am fully engaged and not sitting on the side lines. Am i insane for even thinking about trying Dr. Fuhrman's way? Maybe so, but something has to give Something HAS to change. I'm almost done with the book....just a few more chapters left. The thing is, this way of eating looks do-able. And i think that it will save my life.

Friday.

So much to do, and i'm afraid that i am not keeping up very well. I feel like a disorganized mess lately; what is that saying? If you fail to plan then get ready to fail? Yes, that's how i feel today. I sat down to make a list, and even THAT became a bit much to deal with. Looking at the list makes all that i need to do seem all that more overwhelming. I may need to change my blog name to "This Little Piggy Complains...." I do think, however, that i know how a hamster on a wheel feels....

Just Random....

....thoughts. I've been on a mini-vacation with my little tot to see my sister and her three children. While a fantastic time, it's a tiring time as there are four children and only 2 adults. The odds are not in our favor! The ages of the four are 12, 11, 8, and 5. Those ages are so much fun and yet, those ages are also the ages to drive mothers to drink.

I have had a headache the past few days that just won't go away. It is one of those constant kind of headaches that just won't be tamed with aspirin. I would love nothing better to sleep, alone in my comfy bed, but that's just not in the cards for this Mommy. I am willing to bed that this headache is due to my cutting down on the caffeine by not drinking so much Diet Coke. It's time to let go of that vice....it has truly gotten out of hand. Why drink diet drinks when i can drink water? I've been asking myself that the past few days and my answers are getting bitchier; i'm afraid that i also have huge (and i mean MAJOR HUGE) issues with sugar. I'm going to research some stuff, but i truly think that sugar is something that i need to pay attention to and pay attention to N.O.W.

sigh.

I often feel that i'm a huge failure at taking care of this body of mine that God has given me. I put junk into it as food and expect to feel good and lose weight. If you put junk into your body, shouldn't you expect your body to act like junk? That's not scientific stuff, yes? If i put in bad fuel, then that's what my body has to work with. I have this nagging, nagging thought that i truly need to go plant based and stay away from the red meat. I know how to eat this way. I know how much better i feel when i eat this way.

More sighing.

I came across a blogger that talks about sugar. She is reading a book called "Overcoming Sugar Addiction: How I Kicked My Sugar Habit..." by Karly Randolph Pitman. As i read what this blogger wrote about an incident with cupcakes, i could see myself. I could see me doing the exact same thing. I've ordered this book. While excited about this book, i'm nauseated. I almost don't want to know what this book has to say. Yep, that's a great way to deal with things, isn't it?

More thoughts....

We stayed at Reynolds Plantation at the Ritz Carlton and walking was part of this vacation. It is a beautiful place with lots of things/activities to do. The walking was actually relaxing and dare i say it, fun. I had no problem keeping up with the kids, but by the end of the night, i was so ready to park my tail in bed. My weight actually went down while i was there; i ate like my 118 pound sister does and it was a good learning experience. While my sister does love good food, she doesn't use it as a reward like i do. She is satisfied with sharing a meal and a dessert and will actually leave food on her plate. Apparently, the stories that my mother told us of all of the starving children in the world to get us to clean our plates only bothered me. Claudine reminds me so much of my mother....her features, her manners and the way she speaks are like catching a glimpse of my mother. Those glimpses make me miss our Mom that much more, but are comforting to see in my sister. The older we get, the more thankful i am for her...

There is a pile of laundry to do, things to catch up on, and some plans to make as this week is Spring Break for the tot. Off to do what i need to do...

Temper

One of the things i try not to do is yell and lose my temper at my little daughter. I still remember how it felt to be yelled at at a young age (it's a Spanish thing, i think....we yell and forgive in the time span of 5 seconds) and it felt horrible to have someone so much bigger than me yell at me.

I lost my temper about an hour ago at my little daughter.

She is sleeping now, hands tucked under her little chin like she is saying her prayers.

I feel horrible.

Why did i lose my temper?

I was folding laundry in the bedroom and i heard some noises coming from the kitchen. My little snack monster had gotten into the little bags of cookies, which to be honest with you, i shouldn't have in this house anyway. The little bags of cookies are the perfect size for her to have as a treat for after school with a glass of milk though. I think that maybe what i'm upset about: i am using cookies as a 'treat' for her. You know, "if you have a good day at school, you can have a treat!" kinda thing.

Of course, truth be told, i'm upset with myself and not her....

I desperately don't want her to have my eating habits. I don't want sugar to be considered a 'food' group for her. I don't want her to think of food as 'treats'. I want her to see food as i wish i could see it: fuel for our bodies. Somewhere along the line, i started seeing food as the reason for everything. Need to celebrate? Let's get great food! Holiday? Let's get great food! Are we sad? Let's get great food! Are we happy? Hooray! Let's get lots of great food.

I don't want her to be like me.

I don't want food to be her friend.

A Very Long Weekend...

Note to self: Never, ever, EVER let your husband go to Costco alone and hungry. Trust me on this one, folks. He came back with more garbage (read: cupcakes, bagels, etc) than either one of us need. While i can blame him for bringing it to the house, i can't blame him for me eating two (sigh) carrot cake cupcakes. I should have followed my first instinct and thrown those freakin' cupcakes in the trash as soon as i saw them....but nope, i didn't.

Why is just walking away from food (okay, not 'good' food, but cupcakes!) so hard? Why do i hear this voice inside saying: "Oh, you have worked SO hard these past few days! It won't hurt! Look at it as a "reward"...." You would think that i was a dog the way i reward myself with treats!

sigh.....

woof

Re-Sparking....

....again. You would think that it would be easier to just keep "the Spark" alive instead of letting it burn out, yes? And yet, it seems i haven't learned this yet. I am thinking that perhaps i should just set my self on fire each morning so this won't happen again.

For those of you who don't know what "Spark" is, it is this: an AMAZING website to help you get a 'spark' to get healthy and to lose weight. There are boards to meet others who are like you, there is a place to log your food, a place to log your exercise, a place to blog, graphs/tracking/tickers for your weight and a place to meet others who are on the same journey that you're on. There are SIMPLE EASY plans to follow. There is even a recipe site attached to Spark with a gazillion recipes! Every think you need to get healthy and fit is right there.

The very best thing about Spark?

It's TOTALLY FREE!

FREE, FREE, FREE, FREEEEE!

All of it....okay, if you want to buy The Spark Book, it'll cost you a little. To buy the Boot Camp video costs a little, too. But honestly, The Spark website is amazing.

If you want to check it out yourself, you can click HERE

Okay, off my Spark soapbox!

It is scary to look back and to see how long i've been talking about getting healthy. I seem to have wasted a lot of time talking, planning, thinking, talking some more instead of just following the suggestions of Spark and picking three small goals and starting from there. I must think that i am a professional Sparking or something! If i would just FOLLOW the plan that is here; that's all i have to do. It's already all done for me. It's already proven to work. Instead, i have "planned" my own way.....which has lead me back to the same exact starting point each and every time. It's almost like Ground Hog Day for me!

One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

One moment at a time.

One second at a time.

It is apparent to me that i need more help with getting on the bandwagon, so i've found a therapist. I have to figure out what in the heck is going on. One thing is for sure, though: i am following The Spark plan. I have picked out my three mini-goals to start with. I am making my motivation sheet. I am going to blog. And i am going to drink the water. I am to the point where i don't give a flip how long it takes me, i am going to get healthy and lose this weight....i am rock bottom and there is no where to go but up from where i am.

Rock bottom is not a good place to be. It is like a pit of despair that you can't seem to get out of or shake off. It is a sad, rotten place to be. I've been here for a bit now, and if i don't get out soon, i'm worried at what i would do to get healthy.

Yeah, it sucks that much. :o/

Even the sight of Spring has not helped me much. Spring is the time of re-birth and new beginnings, right? I have to get help with this. I have to...

Wish me good vibes, my friends....please.

Needing Friends....

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

"Don't forget your sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'sisters' means ALL the women. your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Careers end.

BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are
between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you....Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

~ Author Unknown

It's Monday...

....and the start to another week. I feel a bit better and not so much into my funk as i did. I am grateful for that; i know that i tend to rub off on my little family when i'm like that. If i am in a mood, i cast a large shadow around me, engulfing everything in my path.

I'm doing my Body By Vi shakes....honestly, i have to admit that i love those shakes. Those shakes are a no-brainer for me and so easy to fix. I can fix whatever flavor i want and there are so many recipes that others have shared. The fact that i can pour it into a large cup and run out the door with it if i'm running late is a HUGE plus, too. I need as little 'let me think about this' as i can get most days and these shakes, well, they fill that need. I eat dinner with the family and i'm good. So, lets see how my progress goes, yes?

Beautiful spring-like day today. I love this kind of weather. It truly puts me in a better frame of mind to be outside and be active. I can feel my skin drink up the sun as i am in it. It's a good feeling and a great re-charger.

Off to enjoy my day...

Here's an idea....

...that just might work! So i'm off to find some great lipstick, fantastic jewelry and some amazing shoes!

Never enough?

It is another one of those days where I wish I could crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and just stay there, hidden from the world.

I have so much to do and yet no will or motivation to do any of it. It is almost as if I don't care. How can that be? How and why do I get like this? I don't care if I eat or not, I don't care if I grab a shower or not, I don't seem to care that I have so much that I need to get done.

I do know this: I am tired of thinking about food, about planning menus, about my weight, about my stomach, my heart and the scale. I feel like I am just never enough...never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough or organized enough.

I feel like I am never enough.

Maybe this mood has come about from the 15-week class I am taking called Power to Choose. I am only in my third week and yet while I can feel God stirring in my heart, I feel like I am stuck in a pit of hopelessness. There are 12-Steps to this program, and I swear, the steps are getting harder instead of becoming easier!

A nap.

Yes, I think I would like a nap.

If you are inclined to do the praying thing, please pray for peace of mind for me....many thanks.

An update....

....of sorts just to keep myself moving along. You know, as opposed to standing still and not moving at all, which seems to happen a lot of the time around here. Of course, i don't know if i stand still or move in circles; either way, i seem to end up in the same spot!

Things are okay. Not good, not great, but okay.

I still have hope, i think, that i can do this healthy thing. Really, though, it shouldn't be that hard to do the healthy thing because i know that it's the right thing to do, not only for me, but for everyone around me. I sometimes wonder if it's not more for them than for me...

In late December, we got a puppy. Pickles is a Shiffon and is cute as a button. She is now my walking partner. Every day after i drop off Emma at school, i come back and grab Pickles and her leash and we walk. It's the best thing ever...and she and i both feel great afterwards. I truly should have begged my husband for a dog much sooner!

More later....more later.

So, this is what....

....i've decided to do now.

No, i'm not going to eat grass.

I'm going to do my 'own' program.

Yeah.

Brillant, eh?

My 'own' program is going to consist of combining ww with The ViSalus Sciences® Body by Vi™.

Yes, yes, it's a 'shake' program. I don't sell it, no one pays me to say this, but dang it, those shakes are fantastic and keep me full. I think that what i like most about combining these two programs is that it makes it 'stupid-simple' for me. Two shakes a day, two snacks a day and a healthy meal at dinner. No thinking required of me to plan; i can have whatever flavor of shake i want twice a day and plan my dinner (or lunch).

I need 'stupid-simple'.

This way, perhaps, i can stop thinking about food. I constantly think about food. What i want to eat, what i shouldn't eat, what i can maybe eat....all day long. I know that i can't banish food from my life. But i have to find a way to minimize how i think, act, feel towards it.

I'm not a dog.

Food isn't a reward.

It's fuel to keep my body healthy.

I recently lost my 'motivation notebook'. It's nothing fancy, just an oversize journal that i picked up at Wally World. It's got motivational photos, inspirational quotes, ideas, recipes, thoughts, doodles and stuff taped in it....it looks like a scrapbook that threw up on it's self when you open it. I was upset that i lost it as i use it quite a bit. Yesterday evening, i got a call from someone who found my notebook and wanted to return it to me, but with an odd request. She wanted to know if it was okay if she copied some of the stuff i had written and taped in my notebook. Are you kidding? Of course she could! I got my notebook back this morning and i couldn't say thank you enough. I also ran by Wally World to pick up a notebook like mine for my new friend so she could start her own notebook. I am so glad that i put my name and number in my notebook, even though i felt goofy when i did it.

I'm starting a clean slate with this 'program' of mine, so i'll start keeping track weekly on how things are progressing. I am also thinking about getting some photos of myself taken. I truly hate the idea, but i need to see and have a starting documented starting photo no matter how i desperately hate the idea. My friend Donna had this done, and i think it's a fantastic idea no matter how much i hate the idea. :)

Off to do my day....starting with a walk with Pickles.

Power to Choose

I have just started taking a class called "Power to Choose". Tonight, in fact, is our second class. We'll meet once a week for 15 weeks because to meet any more than once a week would be complete torture to discuss the chapter we are covering. The book is based on the 12 Steps from Alcoholic Anonymous, which deals with how to overcome your addictions.

What addictions do i have, you ask?

Really? You need to ask?

Food. Sugar. Sweets.

I have only completed the questions for the First Step.

I can see that this book and i are not going to be the best of friends at times already. The hard questions it tends to ask, the no-fluff attitude and reasoning can hit you right between the eyes and make you see, finally, why you are the way you are with certain things (read: why i eat like i am afraid that there will be a shortage of food and my fat @ss will starve) and why the actions that you've taken up till now have not worked completely failed.

Yeah.

It's that kinda book.

Hooray.

My group is also a very small group: there are only six of us, including the instructor and her assistant. No way to hide in this group, which is what i like to try. It is interesting how while all of the women in my group are physically different, we have all come to a place in our lives which is unmanageable. We are at our ends at trying to figure out how to fix the things that "drive our bus". I am in good company in this group as we are all struggling, it seems. I am comfortable in this group of women so far, but i'm not one to share easily so this will push me to open up and be honest.

I don't know if sharing here is a good idea or not; i have a notebook that was suggested that we use to scribble our thoughts, answer to questions and that kind of stuff that i've been using. I am surprised at how much i've written (we are to journal nightly) as i didn't think i would have that much to write.

One thing is for sure...this is just another part of the journey.