New Year's Eve

A hopeful smile...for a wonderful New Year.

No! Really?!?!

Just for giggle and grins, i took a "Food Addiction" Quiz. Yeah, i know, i'm just a fat fluffy ball of fun, aren't i? And guess what this "Food Addiction" Quiz revealed? Come on, now, go ahead, guess....no?

Okay, read at the bottom....

What a bloody surprise, eh?

So, for more giggles and grins, i'm going to go back to this site to "read more about overeating" because i don't already think about food enough. And then i'll search the Internet to see what else i can 'learn' about overeating. Because, i'm like that...sigh

I'm still working on my New Year's Resolutions List to see how many i can blow to pieces in one day...nothing like making progress!

Food Addiction - Quiz Results
The results indicate that there is a high level of concern that you may be overeating. It is probable that you have or are well on your way to having an overeating problem. Results indicate that your eating behavior may be at level of concern that professional evaluation with your physician or other trusted health care professional is indicated. We suggest that you read other material provided on this site and elsewhere to learn more about overeating and the help that is available.

A Santa Photo....

....umm, yeah. That's dear, sweet, stinky Pachi on Santa's lap. Santa looks completely thrilled, doesn't he? But Santa was a good Santa and my sweet Cupcake couldn't stop staring or giggling at him, so it's okay that Pachi was in the photo.

I do think, however, that we've learned our lesson and will not have our "traditional Santa and Cupcake photo done on Christmas Eve" ever, EVER, EVER again. Next year, i will be one of the FIRST ones in October November to get their child's photo done with Santa! The mall here is just too dang busy to be anywhere near it on Christmas Eve.

And now....we are getting ready for the New Year. I love New Year's Eve....so dinner needs to be planned, perhaps some more baking, and figuring out what we'll watch that night. Of course, the chance that i will actually be AWAKE for the the start of the New Year is slim, but, i have high hopes that i will be.

ah, yes....a New Year.

Dear God...

....i weighed this morning. I wanted to throw-up. I logged it on the side of this blog. And i really wasn't surprised at what the huge @ss number was. Okay, i was a little surprised...or maybe it was that i was a little horrified. As of this morning, December 29, 2009, i weighed in at 199.4 lbs. Isn't that the size of a small elephant? I am only .6 away from 200 lbs. I swore that i would NEVER, EVER, EVER be in the 200s again. At my highest weight of 249 lbs, i swore that when i lost this weight, i would never be one to move back up the ladder in weight again. That i would be different.

Ummm. Sure. I'm different, alright. No more of the holiday crap, that's for sure.

I've thought about my goals. I could make a list of them a mile long....really. But for today, for this week, i am going to drink water. I am going to drink my 'recommended' amount of 8 glasses of water. I'll add to my weekly goal list next week; perhaps if i approach it this way, i won't be so willing to chuck in the towel when i get upset/anxious/insane.

I do need to figure out a date to reach goals, i think. And i need to more my cute, fluffy self to the Y very soon. I'll be going alone, but you know, this journey, to a certain extent, is done alone, so i'll deal with it. I'll just still be "the fat girl in the back of the class" where i feel like i am part of the wall. But i promise myself, i won't be there in the back of the class forever....not this time. I will be at that TOPS meeting on Thursday come hell or high water; i may have to force myself to go, i may have to force myself to get out of my car and walk into that meeting, but i'll be there. I'll be there and i'm not going to miss ANY of those meetings. Period.

Off to feed the little one, dig out and do more laundry and work on my goal list.

I can do this, right?

I'm on the right....

....not really. I just feel like i look like that right now. You know, white (i have no tan whatsoever....) and very fat fluffy. Be that as it may, i am looking into joining TOPS.
Yes, TOPS. You know, "Take Off Pounds Sensibly"? At $26 a year, well, it's a bit more of a bargain than WW with it's "joining fee", "weekly fee" and the "pay even if you don't show" fee. This TOPS group meets on Thursday nights....and it's very close by.

I still have lots of mixed thoughts, lots of questions running through my mind. But the one thing that i don't have mixed thoughts about, or any questions about, is how much i need to do this and how i need to become successful this time. I am scared....because i now have medical reasons to do this and not just the usual "gee, i'm fat" reasons.

I'm off to read....

It needs batteries....

...the scale, that is. It seems that it also decided to take a holiday and let it's batteries run out. Or maybe it's in protest because i will be 'friends' again with it and it will have to deal with my cussing, crying and screaming as i step on it. Who knew that a stupid device with red numbers could cause such a mood shift instantly?

Now? Maybe Tomorrow?

Or maybe next year? Or the year after that? I know, let's just wait till i have really high blood pressure, till i gain even more weight, till i have achy joints, till i can't breathe after i walk up a flight of stairs, till i can't chase my daughter or maybe till i hate myself just a little bit more?

Oh, wait....that's right.

All of THOSE things have already happened.

And so, i've jazzed up my blog to get ready.

Ready for what, you ask?

Ready to try.....again.

Ready to try once again to loose weight. But this time, well, i have a plan. And i have this blog. Because a fat girl just can't talk to just anyone about being fat, right?

I'm reading books about women who are former fat girls who have lost weight. A lot of weight. And most importantly, they have kept it off...and have written books about their journey. I have been stunned at what i've read. Really. I can't believe that there are other women, other fat women, who do the SAME things that i do.

Like walk in the earliest/latest hours of the day so no one will see them exercise.

Like play the game "Am i the fattest woman here?" game.

Like eat and destroy all evidence.

I truly thought, well, that i was the only one.

I'm not....apparently, i have lots of company in the fat.

I'm scared, of course. Scared that i can't do it. Scared that i will once again, fail. Scared at what will happen to me if i don't try to lose this weight again.

Because i truly believe that i am fighting for my life if i don't get rid of this fat...

Off to read more....

How selfish....

...of me. Really. Actually, it's more than selfishness; it's almost a self protecting kinda thing that i do that isn't attractive at all. And i'm doing it more and more often to make myself feel better. I am horrified afterwards, and embarrassed but that doesn't keep me from doing it again and again.

I compare myself to people on TV. I know, i know, a lot of people do. But i don't compare myself to the beautiful people or the famous people, or even the skinny beautiful people. I compare myself to the morbidly obese people that i find. Most of these folks, i find on the medical channel in situations where they are usually fighting for their lives because of their obesity. They are women and men who started off as children, normal (and sometimes chubby) and became obese. These men and women weigh from 400+ to over a thousand pounds and who struggle daily not only to live but to understand why. Why they are the way they are. How they go to be the way they are. And most of all, if they can change.

One of the women who i watched on a show made an online appeal to doctors to do weight loss surgery on her. Amy had a computer that she would rest on her chest as she laid in bed; she no longer could leave her bed. But her makeup was perfect, her nails, done. And i thought the thought that i always think about me: "she would be beautiful if she lost weight". But, no one would touch her because of her weight. Amy was just too overweight for any doctor to take the risk that she would die. But she would die, she felt, if she didn't have this done. This young woman, who had children, was almost over a thousand pounds. The show hit upon her feelings, how she felt about her weight, how she knew she was addicted to food and how she didn't want to die. She worried about her children, about their health. Finally, a doctor responded to her plea and did the surgery. She came out of surgery and seemed in high spirits. And then, her heart couldn't take the demands of surgery....and this beautiful, young woman who was also a mother, died.

I was completely, overwhelmingly, stunned....and then angry. Angry at Amy. Angry because she died. Angry because she had done this to herself. Angry because people who loved her, brought food to her that they shouldn't have. Angry because her daughter was now mother-less. Angry because she ate herself to this point. Angry because she had waited too late to take care of herself. And very, VERY angry....because i could be Amy.

I could be Amy.

But then, i started what i usually do: i started to rationalize.

After all, "i" wasn't almost a thousand pounds. "I" was able to get out of bed. "I" was healthier than "she" was. I was smarter than "she" was because "i" wouldn't let myself get to where "she" was. "I" could lose weight IF "i" wanted to.

Right? "I" wasn't Amy....

But i knew in my heart that i was an Amy in the making.

It scares me every day to know that there is really no difference between Amy and i. I, slowly, am eating my way along to a unhealthy, deadly place. And i am scared that i don't know how to stop, that i am not strong enough to stop eating. That i am not strong enough to get myself healthy. That i won't do the hard work that it takes.

And i will become Amy...

One step forward....

....and what feels like a million steps, back. But it is what it is and all i can do is move forward. One freakin' step at a time. Some days, like today, i feel like my feet are encased in cement, weighing me down to a slow, slow crawl. That i will never move forward or have the strength to.

Ah, yes, it was Biggest Loser night. How did you know? I bet that i am the only person in the world who watches that show and either a) cries or b) eats ice cream as i watch. Never mind that less than 4 feet away sets an amazing treadmill. As i watch others face their demons, i sit with mine and wonder why i find it so difficult to face mine. No one can face your demons for you, you know. It's one of those things that must be done alone and preferably without ice cream.

It's very late....almost 3:30am. I need sleep....

Feelin' like an....

...like an empty pumpkin head. Really. As i slowly watch my weight creep up yet again, i act like an empty pumpkin head who's head contents have been scooped out and thrown away. I act like it's not happening yet again, like i am not slowly going into hell, like my stomach is not growing. And what makes it SUPER special is that the holidays are coming up. Yep...the holidays where you eat, because, well, you're an empty pumpkin head that's what you do. Yeah. Fun. Times. Ahead. Nothing like watching your butt grow during the holidays.

The thing is, i'm not stupid. Really. I guess i just like to torture myself. I hate that i think of my weight every single day, practically every single hour. And then, even better, i start to rationalize it. You know, talking to myself with amazingly insane comments like "At least i don't weigh 200 lbs" or even worse, "She's bigger than i am". What the difference does that make? I'm still FAT extremely overweight, i gasp for air when i carry my daughter up the stairs, i drink diet coke (that's a whole 'nother post, btw....) like i should be drinking water, i eat portions big enough for elephants. And then complain and whine because i'm FAT overweight. It's no wonder i am. It doesn't even take a genius to figure out why.

I've made so many plans, so many 'start over to-day' plans that i can't count them. I want to be healthy. I want to be slim. But i don't do the hard work that it takes; i don't stick to the plan and the hard work that it takes. And i continue to pretend that "i'm-not-REALLY-fat"....yeah, right, i'm just freakin' fluffy. I look in the mirror at my reflection and i wonder who the woman in the mirror is. Who IS that woman? When i catch a fast glimpse of myself in a mirror when i'm out shopping, i think (don't laugh.....) "She would be even prettier if she lost some weight!". I am horrified when i realize that woman in the mirror who i think would be prettier if she lost some weight is ME.

I don't know what the answer is anymore. What is it? Do i crawl back to WW for the oh, MILLIONTH fifth time? Do i do the Metabolism B book to work on keeping me away from unhealthy carbs that i inhale and love so much? Do i wire my mouth shut? Do i go back to Spark? I don't know anymore. What i do know is that i'm scared to death....scared that i will gain even more weight, scared that i will die because of my weight, scared that i will never, ever win against this fight of mine....and even more terrified that i will pass along these issues to my beautiful, beautiful daughter.

My daughter.

She is who i want to be like. Sunshine loves to run, loves to laugh, loves all of her body parts and thinks that her toes, her belly and especially her belly button is the cutest thing around. She has no concept of how she looks and doesn't care (yeah, i know, she's only two and a half...) how she looks. Sunshine loves life and doesn't obsess over body image or fat worries. She's too busy enjoying life, loving life and playing to bother.

Yes, i want to be like my Sunshine.

I don't push Sunshine to eat. She eats when she's hungry and stops when she's full. If she says "No more, Mommy!" then it's no more. She loves (and i mean LOVES) fruits, yogurt, and more fruit. She has a weakness for Mac and Cheese, but again, stops when she's full. Maybe that's the secret...only and ONLY eat when you're hungry. Surely it cannot be that simple, can it? You hear so much about eating 3 meals with two snacks, eating more protein and less carbs, eating this and not that. Can the secret be to only eat when you're hungry?!?!

I need to think about this. Seriously.

I may have a lot to learn from my Sunshine....

Oh yes....

.....like i needed to make these? These lovely little things are Cake Balls. There should be a law against Cake Balls. So very easy to make, and SO very easy for a fat girl to eat. They are worse than chips and salsa, worse than, well, any food i can think of.

How do you make these lovely little balls? I found the recipe on Bakerella's site; i truly believe that every time i visit her site, i gain more weight and i crave a vat of whatever it is that she has made. For that reason, i'm not going to bother posting the recipe for out of fear that i will make more.

But Cake Balls make wonderful gifts for skinny people you don't like. You know, so you can try to get them to be carb-junkies, too....

A Room With A View....

I saw some photos taken of me yesterday. I was horrified, upset, disgusted, ashamed, and simply stunned. Not sure why i was stunned....i know that i am fat as a freakin' whale obese. Still though, i don't "feel" like i look like that woman in the photos. I feel pretty. Heck, some days, i even feel beautiful. But after seeing these photos, seeing truly how i look, well, i am truly ashamed.

It's not a secret how i got here. I ate too much and didn't move my tail enough. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. But it makes my heart hurt to be here. It makes my soul hurt to be here. I am not only fat, but unhealthy. And if i continue this way, i am in a lot of trouble.

Thinking of a plan.....thinking of a plan.

I need a plan desperately.

Another one of those days....

....where there truly isn't enough cheese, cupcakes, lasagna or diet coke to make it better. I truly believe that if a traveling circus would come through my town, i would join it and run away from home.

But Mommies can't run away from home. Truly, i love being a Mother. But today is one of those days that has me questioning what in the heck i was thinking. My little, cute daughter is a freakin' drama queen. She has turned into a holy terror-tot. Of course, she's only this way at home. Her pre-school teacher thinks she's "just the sweetest little thang!". This little "thang" is going to drive me insane. Everything.....and i mean EVERYTHING is cause for whining. Or crying. Or throwing yourself on the floor.

It's enough to make a person want to eat themselves to death.

Okay, maybe not really.

I feel horrible for complaining. Really, i do. But these past few days, i have celebrated when she's tucked safely into bed and i can just bask in quietness. Last night, i wanted to turn in my Mommy badge. How horrible is that?

Enough....i'm off to suck down a diet coke.

Fall is here....

I love Fall. It truly is my favorite time of the year. The leaves begin to change color, the air becomes cooler and it seems that everything nature wise is slowly going to sleep until the return of Spring. Most people, i think, prefer Spring, because of the blooming of plants and the promise of warmer weather; but Fall gives me the sense of hope for some reason. And of course, the holidays are around the corner and all of the events that come with that. As much as i think that i love the holidays, the truth is, it's not been the same since my Mother passed away in January 2007. Her missing presence is difficult; truth be told, she will never be replaced. No one can cook like she can, no one can smile like she can, no one, well, you get the point.

I am 'planning' on starting running on Monday. I have found a website called "Couch to 5K" so now there is a plan. Surely i can do this if i follow the plan. In last Runner's World, there were folks who started back running much older than i and continue to run. I want to be a runner. I want to do a 5K. I want to do a half marathon. Maybe one day, i can do a whole marathon.

Maybe. Maybe one day....

Am i invisible?

Dear Husband

This morning was difficult for me. While i understand that you are under an insane amount of pressure at work, and i understand how you feel about many things, i do not understand all that there is to understand about you. I more than likely never will understand everything there is to understand about you, and that's okay.

But what is not okay, and hurts me to my core, is the way you sometimes dismiss me. I know that i am not the sharpest tool in the shed, and no where near as smart or intelligent as Mary or Thea, but i am not stupid and i do have feelings. I think with my emotions and my heart; i always have and i'm willing to bet that i always will. That's just me and it is what it is; but it by no means makes me stupid nor should make you roll your eyes at me. You might as well tell me to shut up when you roll your eyes at me.

I have tried my very best to see many things you've told me. I do understand why you want to sell the company. I do understand why you don't want more children. I do understand why you wanted to move us out here. If you came to me tomorrow and told me we had to move to a insanely smaller house because you wanted to dig ditches, i would move if it was truly something that you felt that strongly about. No, i probably wouldn't be overjoyed and would probably think that you were more than borderline insane---but if i saw you truly wanted this, i would do my damnest to at the very least, understand and look into what was ahead for us. You are my husband and i am committed to seeing you happy and this marriage be a happy one. If it means that much to you, i'd buy you the damn shovel so you could go dig.

Moving here was difficult for me. When i walked into the house, it was a "wow" moment for me, but it didn't feel like home. Home for me felt like the house in Hidden Point. It hurt to hear you point out everything wrong with that house. I thought that i had found a home for us, one that you would have liked. Instead, you listed everything that was wrong in it; never realizing for a moment that it was a house that i saw potential in. You never asked me what i loved about that house. You never sat me down and asked me why that house. By the time we found this house, i realized that you would be the one to find our home with little input from me. Do i love where we are now? I am slowly starting to like my area, but this house needs paintings hung, photos hung in order for me to start feeling like it's a home. We haven't done any of that.

When the issue of selling the stock came up, i did say something after keeping quiet. But now, there is a damn loan payment to make. I felt like a complete looser telling you how i felt....i just wanted you to understand that i just wanted to be asked what i thought. You then took it another direction and took out the loan. No more talk to me about it, you just did it.

I sometimes feel that you forget that i am here in this marriage, too. I'm not just a stay-at-home mother with a mush brain who doesn't think about tomorrow and doesn't have hopes, ideas and dreams. Do you know what any of those hopes, ideas and dreams are? Do you know that i, too have a bucket list? Do you know what's on that bucket list? Do you know that i'm starved for your attention? Do you know what i would give for you to kiss me----really kiss me like i was the most important woman in your life? I feel you slowly going your way while i am sitting here looking in the other direction. I don't expect you to worship the ground i walk on; but i feel like you have no passion for me, no desire at all for me. I felt that when i married you, i loved you in a way that you didn't love me; but i was very sure that you eventually would. Now, well, i'm not so sure that will ever happen. It doesn't seem to bother you that we are now going on three years since we've made love. Almost three years. But when i've brought it up, you listen, and then do nothing. You asked me about candles and baths....why would i go there when i'm so sure that you aren't in the least bit interested in me?

Emma is the light in my life. I love this child with everything that i have. And i refuse to see you ever roll your eyes at her or dismiss her when she's older. Being a mother stresses me in ways i didn't know was possible. It makes me insane some days. But i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am a good mother. I helicopter mother, yes, but a good mother. I will not screw up being a mother. This is the most important job i have ever had, and i'm going to do it right. You may feel like an old fart, but i don't. You may have made up your mind about children, but i haven't. But that is no reason to roll your eyes at me when i speak of adopting again. You could pretend to be interested in why i want another child. You could pretend that what i have to say is of interest to you. I have no idea why we are going to EAC's seminar on the 24th; i should have told them that we had plans.

We have huge issues, and i'm scared that if we don't stop going in the direction that we are going, there will be trouble ahead. I'm sure that the list of things that i do that irritate you is endless....but i'm at the point where i don't know what to do. I just know that there are issues that we aren't taking care of.

I love you....

Chubby Mommy

The Metabolism B Book...

And so i'm on a new book called "Metabolism B". This book describes me to a "T". I am, above all things, a serious carb lover: i love breads, i love pastas, i love bagels, i love cake, i love cupcakes, i love sweet cereal and i love milk. I love a good sugar rush...

And i'm an anxiety eater. I know this. My heart beats faster and the one thing that calms me down is food. You know, my best friend, my partner in arms, my lover, the one thing i can always count on. It is time to say good-bye to this little love affair of mine and find a new way to live.

For the first eight weeks, carbs are almost non-existent. Yeah. Scary, eh? Even scarier is that i have stopped drinking caffeine drinks like my favorite Coke Zero. But not too bad. For breakfast, i have turkey bacon and eggs. For snacks, i can have almonds, low fat cheese (which isn't too bad) and this book does have many recipes that i can try. For lunch, i usually have half of a low carb wrap and sliced ham and a slice of cheese with a caffeine free diet coke. Dinner is usually some kind of meat. I've also started taking prenatal vitamins at night. Although i have my moments (and that cupcake melt-down that occurred two days ago...) i feel better. It's almost like i am more clear headed. Okay, yes, i am a little irritable at times. Hopefully, this will go away soon. The book tells me that the hardest part is the beginning, and i think that is pretty much on target.

What else is on target is that i'm stick of feeling fat, looking fat, feeling tired, feeling ugly and so very sick of hating looking at myself in the mirror. I've spent so much of my life hating what i look like. I can't tell you the times i've heard: "It's more important what's on the inside than on the outside." But is that really, honestly true? For most women, i wonder. I love how Emma loves her belly button. She'll point at it and scream "bwelly bwutoon!". She loves all of her parts! Her toes, her arms, her belly, her legs. And here i am, the adult, and my running list is all of the things that i hate about my body. Something is truly wrong with that, i think.

So, we'll see how this thing goes. I am measuring and weighing on Monday morning and recording it in the book and from there, i'm only suppose to do that once a month.

Yeah. I know....

Go away, inner voice.

In a rut....

I am in a rut. Why you ask? Because i decided to eat my way though Labor Day. I must have thought that it was "Eat-Your-Way-During-Labor-Day" instead of just plain ol' Labor Day. I do believe that i ate my weight in cake, chips, dip....you know, anything that looked like a carb. If i thought it was loaded with carbs, i inhaled it. So much for that low-carb way of eating, eh?

And now, i feel, literally, like crap. The lesson here is that when you eat crap, you feel like crap. It's Wednesday and i still feel like crap. I think that i should immediately go beat myself in the head with my Metabolism B book; and re-read it AGAIN. I hate feeling this way. I know why i feel this way. So why do i do it, time and time again? Am i truly that stupid?

I try not to hate myself. Really. I do try. But at times like this, i can't stand me. I don't want to look at me, be me, or even think about me.

And that is truly sad.

I SCREAM, You SCREAM....

....we all SCREAM for ice cream.

Can you see me now?

It's obvious that chubby fat people aren't invisible. Really, we are hard to miss. Not only are we larger than the next person, folks feel the need to stare at us to show us how they aren't missing any step we take. The looks of, well, disgust are easy to see. You can ignore these looks but they pierce your very soul. You also seem to instantly become a mind reader as their thoughts seem to shout at you:

~"If you weren't so lazy, fatty, you wouldn't look like that!"
~"Yeah, like you really need to be eating here at THIS restaurant!"
~"Now THAT is gross...."

...and so on.

It's no wonder why some of us have yucky feelings of ourselves that we seem to carry with us where ever we go. Like i mentioned earlier, i am in awe of folks who love (and i mean REALLY!) love themselves. What a gift to give yourself! I can't imagine the feeling of being in love with myself. I'm too busy thinking: "If i loose fifty, or sixty pounds, i'll be cute and THEN i'll be happy and then no one will ignore me again."

I'd be happy with self love, i think...

I use to love wearing Clinque makeup. Loved the stuff. One day, i ran out of base and decided to go to the mall to pick some up. There was a really pretty salesperson behind the counter helping a customer so i waited my turn. She didn't acknowledge me, but she was helping someone else. Another customer joined me a few moments later and this pretty salesperson looked over at her and said "I'll be right with you!". Yeah, i was the overweight customer. Heck, maybe i was invisible, too. I tried to tell myself that the salesperson didn't ignore me on purpose...but it was a feeling that i had. Once the saleslady finished helping the customer, she approached the customer that came after me and said "I'll help you now." without a back look at me. I could feel my face burn and my heart, well, hurt. I picked up my bag and left, promising myself that i would never be back, that i would never, ever wear Clinque again. And, almost 15 years later, i have kept that promise. No, not very mature of me as i should have spoken up and didn't. I found a Mary Kay rep who i love and who helps me and actually acts like she can see me.

Will loosing weight may folks 'see' me? Or is everyone just seeing my outsides anyway?

Another "New" Start....

...which is kinda funny as i've had so many "new" starts on this road that i can't even remember what "new" number to start on. Such it goes with diets, exercise, healthy living, liking/loving yourself; it seems like a never ending battle. But, calling it a "new" start makes it sounds so less dreadful and full of hope, don't you think?

Since i'm not comfortable being fat chubby, i'm writing this blog in the comfort of well, being unknown. It makes it much easier to write this way about things such as fat, chubby, my love of cupcakes, and well, my "newest" start. I will be more honest if i think that no one is reading or if no one knows who i am. Yes, i would love to just be an unknown, i think. I also have another blog about my daughter that i have a few followers but, well, i'm not comfortable with this side of me. (Nothing like having a public blog about your life and not being comfortable with who you are, eh?) And so, i'm going to blog this way. A bit deceptive, i know, but forgive me.

I've never been comfortable in this body of mine; whether skinny, fat or chubby. As a child, i was thin, as a teenage i was chubby but due to a sickness, lost a lot of weight and became a member of the skinny club and as i've gotten older, well, i've re-newed my membership card with the fat club. As of this morning, i weigh 189.6lbs. I've been much heavier; i believe my all time high was at 250lbs. With the help of Weight Watchers, i've made it to where i am now but i am stuck and now on a search for something else. Aren't we all, though?

I've also been a member of the various clubs: Weight Watchers (they should make me an honorable member because i've joined so many times!), Jenny Craig (which i liked, but a bit too expensive), a Weigh Down Group (please, don't even ask about this bunch....) and now i'm on a Metabolism B kick. I'm still reading this book but no book has ever described me in so many ways. It's a low carb way of eating-i truly believe that i should have name this blog "Tales of a Carb Junkie" as carbs are what i seem to love eat the most! (note to self: think about changing the name of blog to this.....) :)

I didn't like weighing in front of some woman who WAS at her "goal" weight. The "Oh, you lost this week!" or the dreaded "Oh, my. You gained this week. But NEXT week, you'll do better!" was enough to drive me to the nearest doughnut shop to sooth my soul. I did love having a 'personal' consultant; of course, they were also all at their 'goal' weight but seemed struggling to stay there. I don't know if it's possible to do this journey alone to be fit but i think it's important to try and find one's way without mindless chatter from someone whose job depends on you being fat and not loosing weight.

I am envious of women who love themselves. I mean truly love themselves and are comfortable in their own skin. I seem to keep trying on skins for size and at 42, well, it's a bit tiring. I also have that voice that speaks to me in a horrible, ugly way....working on making that voice go away must be a top priority this time around as i am also sick of hearing it. It's not much fun to hear: "Step away from that cupcake, Fatty!" in your head; hearing the words "Step Away" are fine....but the "Fatty" part? Let's just say that i can well do without that.

More later....my cute, little TerrorTot is calling.