1) My food choices are never, ever going to fix my deeper problems.

2) Food is never going to make me blissfully happy.

3) Food is not my friend.

4) Food is not going to make me feel less stressed about the business that is life.

5) Food is not going to give me the courage to change things in my life.

6) Food is not meant to be an escape from reality.
7) Food is not how i should reward myself for a job well done
8) Food is a fuel for my body, not a love potion
9) Food should never take up so much space in my life
10) Food is just that: food. No more, no less.

Running.

I sometimes dream of running away. I don't know where that i want to run, but i just run till i can't run anymore. Away from food, away from life, away from fat, away from changing.

I seem to forget one important thing.

No matter where i go, there i am....

....with all my food issues, all my life issues, all my fat issues, all of my changing issues.

I feel like i am at rock bottom.

It's a desperate feeling, a dark place that begs me to hide, to not try any more, to just let it be and give up. It's a place that scares me. It's a place that i sometimes feel that i can't get out of no matter how much "positive" stuff i tell myself. This place of dark saddness is a place that i am scared to be in, yet i stay there, hidden and alone, not letting anyone know that i am there. I blog this way on This Little Piggy; none of my friends know of this blog. I don't want them to know this part of me. They know the "other" me....the happy, cheerful, i-am-so-strong me. No one, no one knows the other part of me, the 'chubby, fat, me' and all of the stuff that goes with that part of me.

Tomorrow is another day, another day to start.

And so, tomorrow, i start again.

I start again.