Another "New" Start....

...which is kinda funny as i've had so many "new" starts on this road that i can't even remember what "new" number to start on. Such it goes with diets, exercise, healthy living, liking/loving yourself; it seems like a never ending battle. But, calling it a "new" start makes it sounds so less dreadful and full of hope, don't you think?

Since i'm not comfortable being fat chubby, i'm writing this blog in the comfort of well, being unknown. It makes it much easier to write this way about things such as fat, chubby, my love of cupcakes, and well, my "newest" start. I will be more honest if i think that no one is reading or if no one knows who i am. Yes, i would love to just be an unknown, i think. I also have another blog about my daughter that i have a few followers but, well, i'm not comfortable with this side of me. (Nothing like having a public blog about your life and not being comfortable with who you are, eh?) And so, i'm going to blog this way. A bit deceptive, i know, but forgive me.

I've never been comfortable in this body of mine; whether skinny, fat or chubby. As a child, i was thin, as a teenage i was chubby but due to a sickness, lost a lot of weight and became a member of the skinny club and as i've gotten older, well, i've re-newed my membership card with the fat club. As of this morning, i weigh 189.6lbs. I've been much heavier; i believe my all time high was at 250lbs. With the help of Weight Watchers, i've made it to where i am now but i am stuck and now on a search for something else. Aren't we all, though?

I've also been a member of the various clubs: Weight Watchers (they should make me an honorable member because i've joined so many times!), Jenny Craig (which i liked, but a bit too expensive), a Weigh Down Group (please, don't even ask about this bunch....) and now i'm on a Metabolism B kick. I'm still reading this book but no book has ever described me in so many ways. It's a low carb way of eating-i truly believe that i should have name this blog "Tales of a Carb Junkie" as carbs are what i seem to love eat the most! (note to self: think about changing the name of blog to this.....) :)

I didn't like weighing in front of some woman who WAS at her "goal" weight. The "Oh, you lost this week!" or the dreaded "Oh, my. You gained this week. But NEXT week, you'll do better!" was enough to drive me to the nearest doughnut shop to sooth my soul. I did love having a 'personal' consultant; of course, they were also all at their 'goal' weight but seemed struggling to stay there. I don't know if it's possible to do this journey alone to be fit but i think it's important to try and find one's way without mindless chatter from someone whose job depends on you being fat and not loosing weight.

I am envious of women who love themselves. I mean truly love themselves and are comfortable in their own skin. I seem to keep trying on skins for size and at 42, well, it's a bit tiring. I also have that voice that speaks to me in a horrible, ugly way....working on making that voice go away must be a top priority this time around as i am also sick of hearing it. It's not much fun to hear: "Step away from that cupcake, Fatty!" in your head; hearing the words "Step Away" are fine....but the "Fatty" part? Let's just say that i can well do without that.

More later....my cute, little TerrorTot is calling.