Can you see me now?

It's obvious that chubby fat people aren't invisible. Really, we are hard to miss. Not only are we larger than the next person, folks feel the need to stare at us to show us how they aren't missing any step we take. The looks of, well, disgust are easy to see. You can ignore these looks but they pierce your very soul. You also seem to instantly become a mind reader as their thoughts seem to shout at you:

~"If you weren't so lazy, fatty, you wouldn't look like that!"
~"Yeah, like you really need to be eating here at THIS restaurant!"
~"Now THAT is gross...."

...and so on.

It's no wonder why some of us have yucky feelings of ourselves that we seem to carry with us where ever we go. Like i mentioned earlier, i am in awe of folks who love (and i mean REALLY!) love themselves. What a gift to give yourself! I can't imagine the feeling of being in love with myself. I'm too busy thinking: "If i loose fifty, or sixty pounds, i'll be cute and THEN i'll be happy and then no one will ignore me again."

I'd be happy with self love, i think...

I use to love wearing Clinque makeup. Loved the stuff. One day, i ran out of base and decided to go to the mall to pick some up. There was a really pretty salesperson behind the counter helping a customer so i waited my turn. She didn't acknowledge me, but she was helping someone else. Another customer joined me a few moments later and this pretty salesperson looked over at her and said "I'll be right with you!". Yeah, i was the overweight customer. Heck, maybe i was invisible, too. I tried to tell myself that the salesperson didn't ignore me on purpose...but it was a feeling that i had. Once the saleslady finished helping the customer, she approached the customer that came after me and said "I'll help you now." without a back look at me. I could feel my face burn and my heart, well, hurt. I picked up my bag and left, promising myself that i would never be back, that i would never, ever wear Clinque again. And, almost 15 years later, i have kept that promise. No, not very mature of me as i should have spoken up and didn't. I found a Mary Kay rep who i love and who helps me and actually acts like she can see me.

Will loosing weight may folks 'see' me? Or is everyone just seeing my outsides anyway?