For me....

...because i need some flowers today and these are my favorite kind.

Christmas Time....

...is right around the corner. In fact, it's closer than "right around the corner".

I go in waves of feeling "Christmas like" and waves of wanting to forget the entire thing. So much to do: shop (why we don't take that money and donate to a worthy cause is beyond me), bake, wrap, send cards, decorate. The list, sometimes, seems endless.

Thank God for a little daughter who reminds me every single day the joy in living.

I am floundering in the weight-loss arena. I take two steps forward, one step back, another forward. It's a dance that i've done for years now, it seems. I sometimes get so very tired of this dance, and instead want to scream to the world: "YES, I AM CHUBBY MOMMY and i apparently don't care enough to change." Somewhere along this path, i think that i've convinced myself that i will truly never change, that i will always be Chubby Mommy.

There are worse things, of course. But the feel of defeat that i feel tears at my heart and soul. It truly makes my heart feel worthless. Funny how "friends" of mine have no idea that i feel this way about myself. It's almost like the best kept secret ever. I hear from friends constantly things like: "You are so sweet!", "You are such a great leader!", "You care so much for the women in our group at church!", "We are so lucky to have you!", "You are so pretty today!", "You are such a great mother!" and all i can think to myself is:

"Yeah, right. And i'm fat. Have you not noticed that i almost weigh 200lbs?!?!?".

I swear i can't believe that i let my weight define me. But i do. And these are the types of things that i am scared to death about passing on to my daughter.

Just as i hear the tick of the clock telling me that Christmas is fast approaching and i'm running out of time, i always hear the tick of the clock telling me that i'm running out of time. I'm scared to death that this weight will one day kill me, whether due to a heart attack or diabeties. I don't have heart problems and i'm not a diabetic (yet) but it's always in the back of my mind. Always of the fringe of my mind that my wieght will take me away from those that i love and i am to care for.

Another year is coming up. Again, i'm sure that i will make the same resolution that i have made ever year for the past 6 years: to loose weight. Why i think that i need a New Years Resolution to loose weight is beyond me. Maybe it's the whole "New Year, New Start" idea that i seem to clinge to. Who knows. But i can invision myself, on New Years Eve, promising myself that this year, THIS YEAR I WILL DO IT.

Just as i did last year.

What will it take me to change?

What will it take?

Watching my daughter...

...i wish for the time where i was as 'free' as she is. She doesn't give a second thought to how she looks as life is so much more interesting. What can she play with, where can she run, can she take her clothes off, can she sing and dance? How amazing would it be to be like this? And why can't grownups be this way?

I'm going to lunch with my husband today. Am i excited about it? No. I'm more worried that i'm in my size 16 pants today and that my hair is doing it's own thing. My daughter, however, is thrilled that we will get to see "Dada and go weat with him at da place". She could care less that she has yogurt on her face or that her hair hasn't been brushed. She's just excited because she'll get to spend time with someone she loves.

To be more like my little daughter.

That's my goal.

Out of hiding...

...because if i would have stayed hidden any longer, i would have just not ever come out. When you get use to hiding, it's hard to come out into the open. I have to admit though, i missed this blog. I wanted to blog so many times, but none of what i had to say was any where near positive or uplifting. In fact, it was pretty much filled with self-hate kinda stuff that no one needed to hear and that i really didn't need to type.

But this blog is suppose to be my "safe" place to blog and i truly need to remember that. I'm "safe" here as it's pretty much a blog that no one knows about. Don't ask me why i feel the need to write on this blog in private...i guess i don't really want anyone to "know me".

I'm still treading water...moving slowly forward, putting a toe or two into the water. I'm thankful that i've not moved backwards...

And i'll be here more often.

In hiding...

I've been in hiding.

Or maybe just in avoidance mode.

Either way, i've not been blogging here.

Not that i haven't wanted to, but even i get tired of hearing myself with the same old thoughts and brow beatings that i give myself.

But....i do have some good news.

I have stopped eating dinner.

No, not like that. I now eat dinner at 4pm and try not to snack on anything after that. It hasn't been too difficult, surprisingly enough. And the very best part was that as of yesterday morning, i was 202.0lbs.

I know. Exciting, eh?

Actually, it is. With the husband coming home so late, we were eating dinner way too late. Sometimes as late as 8pm. I can't do that anymore. I felt horrible after eating dinner and since i waited so long to eat, well, by the time it was time to eat, i could eat five dang times so much more than i needed to.

I like this "new" way of eating. I feel better in the mornings. I feel better when i go to sleep. And, i seem to sleep better.

And so, yet another notch in my 'getting healthy' plan.

Moving forward....

...and trying to not look back doesn't seem like the smart thing to do. I don't seem to have learned much looking back, though, except for one thing:

This learning to be healthy thing is a life-long journey and not something that i'll only do till i think i'm healthy.

I'm now in my 40ish years. Not liking how i look seems to have been a constant theme through my life as well as not thinking i'm "enough". You know, the "enough" as in not pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, or whatever-enough. How sad that i've wasted so much time in thinking that i'm not "enough"...

In my heart, i am enough. I'm enough for me. And that's what's important, isn't it?

My three year old daughter continues to be my role model in loving one's self. I wish that i could bottle up how much she takes delight in herself. In her toes. In her legs. In her hands. In her belly. In her tush. In her burps. In her farts. And in her giggles. My greatest wish is that she never looses that delight in herself...and i'm blessed that she has reminded me that in God's eyes, we are all made "perfect in His likeness".

This morning, i weighed in at 203.0 lbs. After two weeks of vacation, i'm actually pleased. I enjoyed myself this year at the beach. I wore my one piece bathing suit and swam in the water with my daughter. I wore shorts. My husband told me one evening how pretty i looked.

And you know what?

I did look pretty.

I am continuing to get healthy with a different attitude. That in getting healthy, i am loving me more. That i care enough about me to continue to get healthy. That i want to be healthy for my daughter. That i want to be healthy for my husband. That i want to be healthy for me.

A much better attitude, don't you think?

And some days....

...when i'm barely hanging on, this is what i hang on to.

Today, is one of those days.

Oddly, i know the good in my life. And i'm thankful for it. But some days, i find myself wanting not to hang on because it feels like it is too hard to hang on. I want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend that i don't exist, that i have evaporated into air. That i don't have to fight the fight to be strong, healthy or better. That i can just be in nothing-ness...

This type of thinking doesn't last long....usually because a small, cute toddler will want to see if i'm 'sweeeping' and make me smile. And i will sigh to myself, thankful for the health that i do have, thankful for this toddler who makes me view the world in a better light, and i will slowly, pull myself from under those covers and start the day with her.

I will also make myself remember that there are so many folks out in the world who would love to have my chubby legs to stand on, my eyes to see, my chubby belly that means i have enough to eat, my chubby arms that can hug my child and husband. I will make myself remember this all day long.

Because i am blessed, chubby-ness and all.