The List

Well, i've worked on this list periodically yesterday. It was sad that it was such an easy list to do; really, not much thinking at all. While i knew that my weight 'stopped' me from doing some things, well, i wasn't ready for all that it I stopped me from doing.

When i look back over photos taken years ago of me, i am surprised. I remember thinking that folks must hear moo'ing noises from me back then because i weighed so much. Please tell me how i thought this when i weighed 125lbs? What in the world is wrong with my wiring that i let myself actually think this? What is it that i see when i look in the mirror? Do i even "see" me? Why can't i just freakin' love myself, all of me, warts, bumps, rolls and all? Is loving yourself a decision that you make? Because for me, well, it doesn't come naturally.

And so....here is "the" list of things that i have not done due to how i look:

1. Running with others because of how i look
2. Dating certain men...you know the ones.
3. Wearing dresses or skirts
4. Wearing color in my clothes (other than brown, black, grey....)
5. Swimming with others
6. Going to the gym (unbelieveable, eh?)
7. Meeting new people
8. Talking in class or at meetings (after all, who wants to listen to the fat girl?)
9. Taking a yoga and pilates class
10. Not having photos taken of myself. Ever. Ever.
11. Not eating in front of others (much better to eat in secret....sigh)
12. Not going for a job interview that i was highly recommended for
13. Always wearing sleeves
14. Not going hiking, even though i have a passion for being outdoors
15. Not going to WW meetings because i didn't loose
16. Not getting family photos done because of how "i" look
17. Not taking on leadership roles
18. Not traveling unless i have to...and i love to travel
19. Not walking in my own neighborhood during the day. (I walk at 6am or after dark)
20. Not going to doctor appointments because of the scale.

What a list.

So, here is my new plan.

I am going to love myself.

All of me.

Every single bit of me.

Amazing that at the 40-ish age i am that i haven't learned how to do this yet.

I am going to be like my little three year old daughter. She loves her toes. She loves her hands. She loves her feet. She loves her legs. She loves her "cwute butt". She loves her nose. She loves her eyes and lips. She pats her belly in complete delight.

I am going to follow her lead and love me.

Stunning what you can learn from a three year old.

Of course, i'm not sure how to go about this...maybe i'll do that goofy, "I-love-me" to myself 100 times a day as a mantra.

sigh................