Another one....

...of those kinda days where it's tough to get moving. I would love, love, love to crawl back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and just stay there for a bit. But with a toddler, that's not going to happen unless i want my tot to stick her fingers in my nose to see if "Mama sweeping?!?".

It's nearly noon. Breakfast is long gone, dishes are cleaned up, beds are made, dinner is in the crock pot, laundry load has been started, another load folded, the kitchen is cleaned up, one bathroom is cleaned and my little tot is hopefully not eating entertaining herself with play-doh.

Lunch is next.

And all i can think about right this second is eating pizza. Not one slice. Maybe three slices. From my favorite pizza place. A large cheese pizza....

Forgive me....most folks have fantasies of sex. I have fantasies of food. The Food Network is my porn site, sigh...

I won't have the pizza. I'll have what i have planned. And i'll continue to crave the pizza, but i'll eat what i have planned.

Sometimes, during moments HOURS of this kind of cravings, the only thing i can do, is pray. I know it might sound odd...but that's what i do. I don't understand sometimes why i WANT things like pizza. Or chocolate cake. I'm not hungry. I know i'm not hungry. Maybe i want to eat this stuff to stop 'feeling' whatever i'm feeling.

What i do know, is that it is tiring. I think of food constantly. What i'll have for breakfast. What i'll do for a snack. What i'll have for lunch, dinner, tomorrow's dinner, next weekend's breakfast. If i spent this much brain power on other things, well, no telling how much brain i would have.

I'm tired of thinking of food. Surely normal (whatever "normal" is....) weight people don't think of food all of the time. I'd ask a normal weighed person, but really, i'm too embarrassed to even ask, and i don't know that i want to hear the answer because then i'll know for sure that i'm really as weird as i think i am.

That knowledge may be too much for today.

We are leaving for the beach next week. I would rather be beaten with 100 mosquito bites than take my body to the beach in a bathing suit...but i refuse to miss being on the beach with my daughter. This morning, i was 199 lbs...which was a pleasant surprise as i've been spending my time in the 200+ range.

And that's something i'm tired of, too.

I'm tired of my weight stopping me from things.

My gosh, when i think of the things that my weight has stopped me from doing, i get even more sick of myself.

I should make a list of those things and maybe it will be something that inspires me to keep working on being a healthier person.

Yes, i'll do that today and post it later.

What do i have to loose by not making that list?

Nothing.