And yet, another book.

Of course, another book. Because in one of these books, surely there will be my 'answer' and my 'solution'.

Like you eat when you're not hungry and you don't exercise enough....

But thus far, this book has been different.

Of course, i can't remember the title, but it's an "Oprah" book that she recommended. I think that the title is something like, "Food, Love and God" or something along those lines. The author is, well, i forgot that, too.

This book says that it's not really about the weight like i think it is. (Yes, i think that if i 'only' loose weight, i'll finally, finally be happy with me! sigh...) It's more about me eating to stop feeling. To stop feeling whatever i think that is too much to feel.

Oddly enough, i remember the first time i used food to stop 'feeling' something. In fact, i remember it so clearly, it could have happened yesterday.

I was in the third grade and my best friend and i had a horrible fight. I don't remember what it was about, just that i was horribly upset about she and i not being friends anymore. And i stayed indoors for most of that summer, eating. Which was so not like me as i would spend every single second of the day, outside, on my bike or with my best friend. I remember eating sweets. Eating, eating, and eating some more. I remember my parents trying to force me outside and me not wanting to go. In fact, i refused to leave the house. I ate and read books. And then i would eat more, and read more.

At the time, i didn't know it, but i had found my "new" best friend.

My new best friend, and who is still my best friend to this day, is food.

Food, it seems, would never let me down. It would never laugh at me, turn it's back on me, make fun of me, leave me out, hit me, yell at me, call me ugly names or leave me. It was the most dependable friend a person could want. It was always there, ready to make me feel better, comfort me, and let me pretend that things were okay. Even when they were NOT okay....food made it so.

In my senior year of high school, i became very, very sick. I had tonsillitis. I lost over 80 pounds, was hospitalized and almost didn't make it. When i went back to high school after finally getting better, i weighed about 110 lbs. I was 5'4. People who never paid any attention to me, all of a sudden, became friends. "The" popular girls became friends with me. The captain of the football team asked me on a date. People who never, ever gave me a second glance while i was fat, all of a sudden became my "friends".

I remember thinking, "As soon as they figure out that i am really that fat girl, i will be friend-less and alone again." No one ever figured it out, and i went on to college with many "friends".

I exercised during this time. A lot. I spent over 2 hours in the gym, 6 days a week and rode my bike or ran on the 7the day. Every. Single. Day. I refused to be the fat girl again. I didn't care what it took. I would not be the fat girl again. I watched every single thing i put in my mouth. I drank nothing but water, ate nothing but chicken and maybe a few spoonfuls of rice. Nothing else crossed my lips. Nothing. I was scared that my best friend would show up again, and i would fall back into that relationship of hiding and eating and being alone.

I would not be the fat girl again, i swore to myself.

It wasn't till after college, when i found a job far away and moved and then got married to my first husband, that things started to change. And they changed quickly after i got married to Jeff.

I loved him. We met at the gym that i worked at. I loved him the moment i saw him. I loved him like i had loved no other. For a while, things were so amazing, so good. He took "care" of me. He loved me. He showed me the world he lived in with drugs, alcohol. His friends adored me...and i think that this made him "love" me more.

It wasn't long before his anger showed up, and it was directed at me. He didn't mean to. It seemed he now had "different" ways of showing me his love, however, and it took it's toll on me. No more gym as i didn't want to go with bruises showing. I didn't wear anything with a short sleeve. I sometimes wore high necked things so no one could see the bruises on my neck. Makeup can only hide so much, and you can't wear sunglasses to work to hide a black eye.

I went to work, worked as much as i could, came home, tried to not make Jeff angry, sleep and then start the next day all over again. I paid for everything as he couldn't get nor keep, a job. I gave him money. I had no friends. I stayed away from my family, who i loved, because they had warned me not to marry him. I started not to go home on holidays and i called my mother less. I knew that she would be able to hear in my voice that something was terribly wrong, so i rarely called.

Alone, with no friends, i found my old best friend, food, waiting patiently for me. Maybe i thought that if i was fat, if i looked ugly, he would leave. I don't remember thinking that; but what i do know is that once again, my very best friend, was back.

I'll leave out all of the gory details, but after 12 years of marriage (yes, that was 12 YEARS of marriage), i caught him in bed with another woman. At this time, i may have weighed 180lbs. The woman that i caught him with was larger than i was. He eventually left me for her.

While now i see that as a gift from God, back then, i didn't. I continued to cuddle up with my besty, spending evenings and days eating. And i ate all of the way to 250lbs. I ate so people would stay away from me. I had no 'true' friends that i trusted or confided in.

But i did have food.

For some reason, one day, i went to a WW meeting. I wanted to prove that the program didn't work, so i did it. Imagine to my great surprise when i lost weight. In that room at the WW meeting, there were women like me. I didn't become friends with any of them, but i remember thinking, they are just like me.

I lost weight....i lost to 160lbs.

I didn't date for six years...and when i did, i invited my besty friend along.

And i ate my way back up to the 200s.

I am married now to a unbelievably good man with an amazing heart who loves me.

I have an amazing, beauty of a daughter.

I live in an amazing home; one that i use to dream of living in.

But my best friend?

Is still food.

Because in the back of my mind, i could loose all of this. I could loose my husband. My daughter will grow up and hate me. The house will go to my husband.

And i will once again, be alone.

To squash that feeling, the anxiety of being left, i eat.

Food (eating) stops that feeling and calms me.

Yes, i think that this book is on to something....