And today......

....i am at 200.00 lbs.

Again.

But it's okay because i am excited about it....and i see 199 lbs.

I am drinking a lot of water.

And it is helping to make me realize that i'm not hungry, but that i'm thirsty.

I'm going to go read some other blogs and catch up a bit.

Today, is a good day.

How sad that i let a number on a scale influence me this much?

Good number, good day.

Bad number, bad day.

Must really work on that...

Serious Stuff....

I like to pretend to be cheery.

Especially when i blog.

Truth is, i'm not cheery.

I struggle with depression.

I have for a very long time.

My lows are VERY low.

My highs are VERY high.

There isn't a lot of in-between.

I'm at the low end right now....it's hard to explain to folks. I have so much good in my life and i know this. But like a dark, looming cloud, this stuff follows me where-ever i go, not letting loose, constantly pulling tighter around my neck. I know that i would never harm myself no matter how much i want to; i could never leave my child and my husband with the devastation that suicide leaves behind.

But sometimes, sometimes i just want to drift away.

To close my eyes and never open them again.

To not feel the way i do.

To escape these types of days.

But then, i hear my daughter's giggles and hear "Mommy, come pwlay wiff me!!".....

...and i get up, and begin again.

Yeah....guess who?

My little one and i are in FL, visiting my sister.

The state of FL is otherwise known as "Swamp Land" or "Alligator Land"....

It is very hot here for this Nashville, TN girl. H.O.T. It's so hot that my little one doesn't even want to venture outside....i can't lure her with the promise of a zoo visit or a visit to the Alligator Farm. Of course, at a temp of 94 degrees and humidity half past the temperature in hell, who can possibly blame her?

The only place she wants to go is to swimming lessons....yes, my little mermaid is learning to swim. I will probably not be able to keep her out of the pool after she learns!

I haven't worn make-up in a week and a half. There is really no point in wearing make-up when it slides off your face the moment you step outside. I feel naked without make-up but i've been using a fantastic skin lotion that my sister introduced me to called NeriumAD. I'm not one to toot a horn over something amazing because, well, nevermind, but this stuff, IS AMAZING. I truly love this skin cream and trust me, like most women, i've tried just about all of them. My redness is gone and my pores have gotten smaller. Perhaps i should spread this night cream all over my body. sigh.

Being in FL has made me feel not-so-good. It is hot and i'm sure because of my weight (i am at 201.2 as of this morning), i seem to sweat more than usual. Perhaps some women do perspire; i just sweat. I can sweat sitting still. I can sweat just walking out the door here in FL. I see women in their shorts and tank tops and i turn away because i would love to wear shorts (real shorts, not knee length ones) and a tank top. I see my sister in her two piece and i literally have to leave the room. I feel horrible, like a failure.

But then, i realize that i haven't done the hard work to be healthy. I haven't done the exercise to be healthy. I haven't eaten like a healthy person....so i deserve to feel like this. I have had so many 'this is it' moments....perhaps none of them were truly 'this is it' moments. I just know that i feel like giving up and resign myself to the fact that apparently, i don't want to be healthy. I am scared of dying due to my weight. I know i have high blood pressure. I know my cholesterol is sky high. I am probably a diabetic. I am a stroke patient just waiting to happen. I am scared...so very scared. I don't want to leave my young daughter without a mother. I don't want to leave my husband without a wife. I don't want to leave my sister with no family.

Perhaps one change at a time...perhaps just one change at a time.

Surely i can do that....

This week, i have given up diet coke while in FL. It's mostly due to the fact that diet coke isn't as good as water is for quenching my thirst. It wasn't hard as while down here, well, i have managed to drink tons (almost 3 liters a day!) daily. Perhaps i start here....giving up diet coke for water and add to that with getting rid of bread or milk. As much as i like both of those, i do feel better when i don't eat them. And then, add walking. I seem to set myself up for guaranteed failure when i make a huge "starting list".

Maybe my attitude also needs to change. I

just feel helpless in this journey. It has lasted for so very long. I take 3 steps forward and then i take 2 steps back. Being overweight has stopped me from so many things.

How can i possibly teach my daughter to be fearless, love herself, be kind to herself and be active when i don't practice those very same things?

You can't teach what you don't practice...

I did install something called My Diet Coach Pro on my phone. It's a very cool app...perhaps it will help.

Spinach salad tonight for dinner....a huge one.

Off to stop thinking for a bit....

....which hasn't been the case the past few months. It feels good, though, to feel hopeful. It feels as though a door has been cracked open just a bit and the light is shining through that crack...just enough to make me hang on and be hopeful that all the things i have learned through Spark and on my own will finally come together for me and i will not only 'get it' but put together but live it.

 Like so many folks, i have struggled with depression. I don't talk about it, almost as if i pretend i don't struggle with it, then i don't. It's what i like to call my "head in the sand" approach! What bothers me the most about depression, is that i know that it can effect others, like my little daughter and husband. I do my best to not let anyone see, not even them, that i would sometimes just like to pull the covers over my head and raise the white flag. In those moments when i fail, and they do see my struggle, i feel like i have lost hope. Hope that i will be a good mommy and wife; hope that i can beat depression's grip. It's the worst feeling of all, thinking you have lost your hope....because if you truly do lose your hope, then what is left?

 I love watching how my daughter has hope. "Don't worry, Mommy! Let's hope that our plant will survive! Let's pray for it!" She will say this even as our little seedling plants are wilting to their death for lack of water because i have forgotten to water them in a week or so.. She is hopeful in God's promise. I honestly think that i have learned more from my little daughter than i ever would have imagined possible. I thought that i was to be HER teacher....and many times, it's the other way around.

This year, my word of the year is "HOPEFUL".

 A hopeful heart doesn't give up.

 A hopeful mind believes in change for the good.

A hopeful attitude helps in taking care of one's self.

 A hopeful aura means that you don't give up....ever.

 And so.....here is to a most "hopeful" New Year!

....and be prepared. If anything has contributed to my not being at goal, it would be how I don't practice follow thru by being prepared for my day food-wise. I don't take the time to plan; and if I do, I don't follow thru.....which then leaves me totally unprepared for my day.

 If I don't have a plan, I will continue to fail.

 If I don't follow thru, I will continue to fail.

 I am tired of failing.

 I have to sit down and plan my week's food. I have to follow my plan..... .....and in doing that, I will be prepared and make good food choices.

How come something that sounds so easy has been so hard for me to do?!?!

Grocery store today.....bagged spinach, fruits, veggies, frozen, cooked sliced chicken breast will make life easier. I dug out my most favorite water bottle yesterday; I have no idea why it is so easy to meet my water goals when I drink from this bottle, but I don't struggle with water when I have that water bottle.

 I haven't done any measurements yet. I know it is important to do, so in the morning, I will dig out my tape measure. I hate doing measurements....but it needs to be done and recorded.

Not knowing where else to turn, I am here to begin again. I am tired of being tired. I am so very tired of being tired. I have found my rock bottom and have no where to go other than up from this point. I can't go any lower. I have an amazing husband. I have a beautiful daughter. But I am existing at this weight and use it as an excuse to not play with my daughter, or dress up to go out with my husband. I am tired do existing.... And so, I begin.....again.

Run....

No, i'm not running. It's hard to imagine me right now running at 205.3 lbs. In fact, it's hard to imagine me doing anything where i don't feel like i'm moving my mass around with lots off effort. Summer does that to you, you know. No, it's something even more unimaginable. And it's all started with a book. Not just any book, mind you, but a book called Eat To Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, M.D. Keep in mind that when i bought this book, i had no idea that this book was a 'vegan' book plan. If i had, i probably never would have picked it up. Oh, it's not that i don't like veggies, it's just that i tend to eat like it seems most Americans eat: high carbs, lots of fats, lots of breads, lots of sugar and lots of junk. Going from that to eating like a vegan is like, well, wiring my mouth shut. I thought it would be impossible for me to eat the vegan way. In fact, in my more lucid moments, i'm still not sure. But i do know this, i'm scared. I know that i'm not healthy. I know that i'm borderline (if not already) diabetic. I know my blood pressure isn't anywhere near the healthy range. I feel like staying in bed most days, not moving and only getting up to potty or eat. Thank God for my daughter and husband, otherwise, i'm sure that i would be that person. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a healthy wife and mother. And i want a life where i am fully engaged and not sitting on the side lines. Am i insane for even thinking about trying Dr. Fuhrman's way? Maybe so, but something has to give Something HAS to change. I'm almost done with the book....just a few more chapters left. The thing is, this way of eating looks do-able. And i think that it will save my life.