Still struggling...

...and i am truly bothered by it. It's not like it takes a genius or a rocket scientist to know what it takes to be healthy. It's not like i don't know. And yet, i "pretend" that i'm going to do this. I "pretend" that i have what it takes to do this. I "pretend" that THIS time, i'm serious. I "pretend" that i'm ready, that i'm strong enough to do this.

I rush up to the starting line to put my toes on it...and BANG!

I go no where very fast.

Do i have to hit dirt bottom to realize that this is truly serious? Do i have to have a freakin' heart attack to get it? Do i have to have diabetes to understand just how important it is that i take care of me and loose the rest of this weight? Do i have to continue to huff and puff up my stairs to understand the seriousness of the fact that very soon, i'll be FAT MOMMY and not CHUBBY MOMMY?

Apparently so.

Because apparently, i don't get it.

It's insane odd that i don't "think" that i'm overweight, isn't it? I look at myself in the mirror, and don't see an overweight me. What in the world am i looking at?!?! I love how i'll occasionally be somewhere and see this cute, fat woman and think to myself, "Dang, she'd be really beautiful if she lost that weight!" and then realize, in horror, that it is MY reflection that i'm looking at.

I just think it's insane that i have clothes that go from size 12 to size 16 in my closet. Really, i do. At this rate, i might as well start buying clothes that are even bigger. And this is really hysterical: I refuse to buy size 18 clothes. I guess that i'll be running around naked if i hit a size 18.

I actually watch "The Biggest Looser" and eat a snack while i'm watching.

I am insane.

sigh.

What is it going to take for me to get off my butt? I know how i feel when i'm doing the things that make me healthy. I know how i feel when i'm doing the things that don't make me healthy. There is a lot of difference in those two feelings. And yet, even that's not enough for me. It's almost like i need a diet babysitter to keep me on track.

And maybe, what scares me the most, is if i do get healthy, if i do the hard work, in the end, will i fail and end up where i first began? Is that worse than never getting there? Failing? At least this way, geeze, i've already failed by not even trying.

I want to scream at myself: "Stop THINKING about doing this, and JUST DO IT!"

Because just thinking, well, does nothing.

I want to go to the Pilate's class tomorrow morning, but as usual, i'm worried that i'll be the only overweight one there. Like that should be my biggest concern, right? I should be concerned that i'll die in the middle of the class because i can't get through it.

I have an amazing treadmill here at home that is gathering dust. No one will see overweight me if i got on it.

Enough complaining.

Enough.

I'm tired of listening to me already.

Maybe i'll pick just one healthy thing to do a week. Like for the rest of the week, i'll commit to going to the classes i've picked out. Surely that i can do just ONE thing, right?

Okay, that's what i'm going to try.