Anger....

The thing about writing when no one really knows who you are is that you can be totally honest without worrying about hurting yourself. You can say what your heart feels and not worry that someone will say something along the lines of 'You don't realllly feel that way, do you?' and have to come up with an intelligent answer.

The Chubby Mommy is a good name for me. Of course, i did play with other names like "The REALLY Chubby Mommy" and "The Chubby Mommy with the Pretty Face" for my secret blog. And then, of course, there were the "The Growing Chubby Mommy Blogs" and "The Chubby Mommy Eats Again"....

Back to "Anger"....

I have anger 'issues'. And it's not pretty. I've always thought that my being angry was my best kept secret next to my being chubby but it's not really a secret. I hate my anger. It's a non-forgiving type of anger that stretches way back to my much younger years. I know the roots of where my anger started. And i know why the anger runs so hot. Instead of fading, this anger has gotten worse. This anger of mine has grown and has spilled over into other areas of my life. I'm embarrassed by it, and i'm ashamed of it.

Instead of realizing that i need to do something about this anger of mine, i keep feeding it. What started out as anger towards my father for how he treated my mother has turned into heart wrenching mess. My father has issues; he has always had issues. Hurtful, ugly issues. And his issues continue to this day.

What is interesting about my anger is that my husband tells me that the only place that my anger doesn't spill over to is with my daughter. There, he says, he sees
a gentleness and a sweetness that he wishes i would share with others.

I don't do forgiveness well. Okay, i suck at forgiveness.

How would it be if God was like that in the forgiveness area?

What if he was not forgiving?

I'm reading a book now about "Women and their Anger Issues".

I'm only as far as Chapter 2.

It's hard to read, because i see myself. And it's not in a pretty light.

And of course, it leads me back to being fat chubby....do i eat to sooth my anger? Or is food my constant source of comfort no matter what the emotion may be? Are my issues with food due to my anger?

Either way, both my anger and food issues need to be dealt with. Both have had enough time in my life, i think. Those issues have been a part of me for so long, i wonder what i would be like without them?

I suppose it's time to pull up the big-girl panties and start figuring things out...i am uncomfortable looking at me on the inside and the outside. Self love isn't one of those things that i'm blessed with. In fact, it's kinda hard to find for me.

How can i teach my daughter healthy traits if i don't learn them for myself first?