Begin Again...

Well, i've mapped out my classes for this week.

Monday: Basic Zumba 11:15am-12:00pm
Tuesday: Flow Yoga 9:30am-10:30am OR Basic Step 7:30pm-8pm
Wednesday: Zumba 9:15am-10am
Thursday: Mat Pilates 9:30am-10:30am
Friday: Beginner Running Class 8:15am- 9:15am
Saturday: Zumba 10:15am-11:15am

My size 16 shorts are VERY snug.

I'm sick. I'm sad. I'm disgusted.

But what did i expect? Really? I stopped exercising. I eat crap. I rarely drink water. I drink diet soda. I eat stuff i know to stay away from.

If i don't get off my rear, i can expect those size 16 shorts not to fit very soon.

I can't let that happen.....

Sadness

Sometimes my sadness gets the best of me. Maybe despair is a better word than sadness. It's a feeling that i will never change, that i will always be this way, that i am not worth trying to change. That i'm not the wife that i should be, that i'm not the mother that i want to be, that i'm not the woman that i want to be and never will be.

This feels like giving up. Like not bothering. Like not trying.

To feel like you are not worth bothering with is a sadness and desperation like no other.

The list of things that are "wrong" with me is endless: i'm fat, i'm ugly, i'm lazy, i can't loose weight, i'm a poor role model for my daughter, i'm not a good enough wife, i'm not a fantastic cook, i snore, i don't keep house well enough, and did i mention that i'm fat?

Yes, it's been that kind of day for me. Actually, it's been that kind of week for me. It gets harder and harder sometimes to care. I do the things that i'm suppose to do and to everyone else, i suppose i look like and feel like the happy wife and mother.

On the inside?

Not so much.

If i could hide under a rock, stay under the covers and not come out, i would. It's a fight sometimes, it truly is. It's almost as though things are too hard to deal with.

The most amazing part of this is that i have a wonderful daughter, a sweet and caring husband, a home and all of the things that one thinks they need to be happy.

So why isn't it working?

Taking Care....

....of yourself when you're a Mommy is tough work. Between cooking, errands, grocery store, laundry, well, you get so busy making sure that everyone has everything they need for lunches, school, and their day that you sometimes forget to take care of you.

Read this:

"Just as the safest car seats, air bags, and seat belts in the world won't help if i am not a cautious driver, it won't matter how care i try to take good care of my kids if i fail to take good care of myself first. Regardless of how much i have on my plate, i can always handle things with a little more strength, grace and gratitude when i feel physically fit."

~Kristin Armstrong

She's right. But sometimes it feels selfish to put yourself first. Maybe that's a mother's issue; by golly, we gotta be ready if a child needs us! Isn't that what mothers do?

Of course, this can just be used as another excuse as to why i feel like i can't get in shape. A good excuse, mind you, but an excuse nevertheless....

It's Monday...

...and i weighed in.

Let's just say i'm happy it's a loss.

This was Sunday's meal...it was awesome. I had a small bowl and one piece of bread. I ate slow. Very slowly. And i savored every single bite.

I was happy.

And so on with the week i go...i have my week planned out at the Y. I have a goal for this week which is to drink at least 6 glasses of water daily. I've even decided that my weigh in day from now on will be on Monday.

I keep thinking that if i "pretend" that i can do this long enough, well, then maybe i "will" be able to do this.

Quote...

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

– e. e. cummings

Where does help come from?

I often wonder how many "this is it" moments that one can possibly have? Two? Three? Four? Fifteen? One hundred? When doe your "this is IT" moment truly become a "THIS IS IT" moment?

I remember long ago when i weighed 120lbs. I was unhappy because i didn't weigh 110lbs, but i remember thinking, "Well, at least i don't weigh 140lbs!". At 140 lbs, i remember thinking "Well, at least i don't weigh 160 lbs!".

At 199lbs, i remember thinking "Well, at least i don't weigh 200lbs!! Because THAT will really be it!!!"

As of this morning, i am 206 lbs.

I am unhealthy.

I complain about it.

I can't keep up with my toddler.

I hate how i look.

I hate how i feel.

I'm tired of hating everything.

And yet, none of the above has set my @ss on fire. None of the above has made me get my butt out of bed early in the morning to do the things i know i need to do to become a healthy mother, woman and wife.

What will it take? A heart attack?

Why do i lack a sense of urgency about my health and my weight? Am i lazy? Or is it that i think that i will fail, so why bother trying?

Yes, i think that's it. I think that i will fail so i don't even bother anymore. I don't ask for help from those that would gladly help me. I don't bother to go to the gym because of how i look and feel. Why try when you know think that you will fail?

I get close to tears every time that i think about this. So, of course, i do my best not to think about it and sooth myself with some sugary treat.

I have a friend who is in her mid-50s who just found out recently that she has stage 3 ovarian cancer. It occurred to me this morning while thinking about her how her life will be cut short because of this cancer; that she would love to have more days, more time to be healthy and to do the things that she needs and wants to do. Yet, i am here, pretty much healthy, and yet, i don't take action to do the best i can do to feel better and keep healthy.

I take my health for granted.

This is a photo of my new necklace. I love this necklace....

"I thirst"

I thirst for hope that i will do this....

Where to begin....

I don't even know where to begin...

WW became something that i couldn't attend due to the cost. Even though there are not money issues here at the ol' casa, we've decided that we need to get on a strict budget and stick to it. Everything that isn't necessary or isn't budgeted for, well, doesn't happen. Period. We need to build up more in our savings; having only 3-6 months of savings doesn't seem enough so we decided to go for a year. It will make us both feel better...

What's that? How's the weight loss going?

I'm feelin' like i'm the lead character on the AC/DC song "Highway to Hell" with my weight loss plan. Really, i suck. I saw a photo of myself that was taken at a baby shower this past weekend. I wanted to throw up....