Power to Choose

I have just started taking a class called "Power to Choose". Tonight, in fact, is our second class. We'll meet once a week for 15 weeks because to meet any more than once a week would be complete torture to discuss the chapter we are covering. The book is based on the 12 Steps from Alcoholic Anonymous, which deals with how to overcome your addictions.

What addictions do i have, you ask?

Really? You need to ask?

Food. Sugar. Sweets.

I have only completed the questions for the First Step.

I can see that this book and i are not going to be the best of friends at times already. The hard questions it tends to ask, the no-fluff attitude and reasoning can hit you right between the eyes and make you see, finally, why you are the way you are with certain things (read: why i eat like i am afraid that there will be a shortage of food and my fat @ss will starve) and why the actions that you've taken up till now have not worked completely failed.

Yeah.

It's that kinda book.

Hooray.

My group is also a very small group: there are only six of us, including the instructor and her assistant. No way to hide in this group, which is what i like to try. It is interesting how while all of the women in my group are physically different, we have all come to a place in our lives which is unmanageable. We are at our ends at trying to figure out how to fix the things that "drive our bus". I am in good company in this group as we are all struggling, it seems. I am comfortable in this group of women so far, but i'm not one to share easily so this will push me to open up and be honest.

I don't know if sharing here is a good idea or not; i have a notebook that was suggested that we use to scribble our thoughts, answer to questions and that kind of stuff that i've been using. I am surprised at how much i've written (we are to journal nightly) as i didn't think i would have that much to write.

One thing is for sure...this is just another part of the journey.

Another New Year...

...is almost here. Another year has passed in which i have stayed the same. That means 365 days have gone by with me promising myself that i would change; and 365 days of that not happening.

Impressive, yes?

Not so much. In fact, not impressive at all. It is sad however, very sad. It also means that i have failed again. It is even sadder that i am not really surprised that i have failed at this. And i wonder, what exactly it will take for me to be successful. A heart attack? A stroke, perhaps? To get even more unhealthier? To gain even more weight and reach a size 18? Because all of these things are a possibility in my life if i don't stop this insanity of pretending to get healthy.

I sometimes think to myself "Shit or get off the pot, for heavens sake!". I don't think that you can do healthy part of the way....either you do it or you don't. Is that the problem? Honestly, i don't know. I truly don't know. Maybe i have a sick death wish...i do know that i am so very tired of being sick and tired. I am also running out of time, i think, to make these changes. I am 45 years old, you know. It is almost a 'now or never' situation, although i guess 'better late than never' could also apply, too.

And so, here i am again, at almost the start of another year, promising that i will do better, that i will do my best to change my ways.

Lots to think about...

The view...

...here is amazing.

Even if one is chubby, it is still a beautiful view.

Something to look.....

...forward to! We are headed to the beach at the end of the month again for a week. I am so excited that i can't stand it. I love the beach. I love how i feel when i'm there, listening to the ocean and feeling the sand on my toes. It's been a difficult few weeks for me and i'm ready for the beach.

I recently started a class at the church with Restore Ministries. It has been the hardest class i've ever taken. The class is with about 8/10 other women, who i am shocked to say this, are a lot like me. I thought that i was the only person who felt the way i did about myself and to find out that i have a lot of company, while comforting, is bothersome. There are 4 professional women in the class, 3 Mommies and a mixture of the others. The class is called "Journey to Freedom", which is the title of the book we are using by Scott Reall. The book is utterly fantastic, horrifying, amazing, and scary to read. Basically, it's a book about how to start a lifetime of Hope, Health and Happiness.

I was shocked to discover that i have pretty much lost all hope in changing.

I wasn't surprised that i don't totally depend on God. I, it seems, like to invite God into my life where it suits me and where i think He needs to be.

Shocked to learn that fear holds me back.

Shocked to learn that i don't feel that i a worth fixing.

I think that there are two classes left. I am now working on my "action" plan for change.

I know.

I know.

But i have a little sliver of hope that i am learning the tools that i need to do this. I have learned that this is about "training" and not "trying". Training versus trying is the key to success.

Of course, i'm going to be working on my weight.

There are other things that will be worked on at the same time. Apparently the key is the process of lasting change is to balance the spirit, mind and body. These three things need to be brought together in a type of harmony.

The other thing i learned?

That i can't do this alone.

"All through the Bible, God directly speaks to us about fear. Over and over He reminds us, "Be of great courage, do not be afraid!" Even when i am walking through the valley of the shadow of death, He tells me not to be afraid because He IS WITH ME. The psalmist say in the Bible "I am about to fall, but Lord, your love kept me safe." God is FOR us and NOT against us.

And so, a journey is spirit is in order, too...

Much, much more later...

Time flies.....

....when you don't do anything, doesn't it?

It's now September 27th, late in the evening. My last post was August 9th.

Nothing has changed since August the 9th.

Instead of doing something, ANYTHING, i've done nothing. Nothing to change me for the better. Nothing to move me one step forward. Nothing to make me take action. I have done nothing but well, think. And all that has done is truly made my head hurt.

Try this way of eating...no, try that way of eating. Oh, try this way of walking. Nah, don't try that; do this instead. I know, lets read a BOOK on how to eat like a caveman/cavewoman. Because, you know, we are still in caveman times. Eat meat. Eat veggies. Eat beans. No, take that back: NO meat and NO beans. No sugar of any kind. What? Fruit sugar? Okay, just a little. I have an idea! Let's go vegan!! Nah, that's insane, i can't be a vegan. Can i maybe be a semi-vegan? Is there such a thing? I'll goggle it. Maybe i should go back to Weight Watchers. I did well there. But is that going to work again? Will a bear crap in the woods?

And on, and on and....on.

While all of this back and forth is going on, i do nothing.

I am full of progress, aren't i?

I am full of something, but it's not progress.

Meanwhile, my 12/14's pants are so snug that i can barely stand it. One would figure that would spring my chubby butt into some kind of action. But no, it hasn't. I just continue to talk to myself:

"You are such a fat @ss!"

"You will always be this way, you know...."

"You will never, ever change, will you?!?"

"How can you teach your daughter to eat well and be healthy if you eat like a pig?"

Yeah.

I'm not the nicest person to myself. I don't even think i know how to be nice to myself.

I'm sad. I'm discouraged. I'm disappointed. I'm, oh, i don't know what i am.

I am off to read and lose myself in a book....

Just thoughts......

My sweet hubby is away on a business trip for a few days and i can't sleep. It's been a very emotional past few weeks around here and not in a good way. My husband's nephew, Matt, who is 21 years old and in the Navy, was "lost at sea". The funeral was heart-wrenching. So young. So smart. So intelligent. So full of love for the Lord. Gone.

I keep coming back to "the Lord gives and the Lord taketh away"...and to the realization that none of us really know what the future has in store for us. Trusting in the Lord seems to be the best thing to count on...

Needless to say, the whole 'juice-a-thon' has taken a back seat to getting through the funeral and then having everyone over after the funeral. I imagine that we will start this weekend...

I stumbled across some 'thinso' site on u-tube.

I'm not sure what to say about those videos yet.

I had no idea that these kind of videos were out there. Yeah, i'm a sheltered girl.

It's late. I'm tired.

....and still a lot sad about Matt.

Reboot Your Life....

A few weeks ago, i watched a movie on Netflicks. It was a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Since watching that documentary, i've done much soul searching, thinking, pondering about what i saw. Juicing? Was i nuts?

No, not nuts, just tired of being sick and tired. Tired of eating foods that seem to clog my system. Tired of feeling fat and sluggish. Tired. Very tired.

Much more research followed all of this thought stuff about juicing before i approached my husband about watching this particular movie, for fear he would think that i had lost my mind.

He didn't think i was insane.

In fact, he is willing to try this with me.

And so, well, we will do this together. We are both sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe, having each other to lean on will make us stronger...

We are in the process of looking for a juicer. We are in the process of studying meals and how juicing fits in to our meals and life. We are excited. We are nervous. But we are willing to give this a try...

This is what i'm reading now that's on the site of this community who also juices:

Before your Reboot, here’s what you need to do:

1. Knowledge is power. Learn some simple, but important facts about food that will help you make informed eating decisions. Read Our Easy Fact Sheets

2. Invest in a good quality juicer.

3. Identify an affordable source of local, seasonal produce and make shopping lists.

4. At least one week prior to beginning your Reboot plan, start changing the way you eat.
Say Goodbye To: processed junk foods, white flours, sugar/desserts, fried food, fast food, processed meats, alcohol and begin to wean yourself off caffeine.
Say Hello To: salads, soups, smoothies with a variety of fruits and vegetables as well as whole grains, nuts, seeds, natural nut butters, beans and legumes.
Transitioning off animal proteins: choose wild-caught fish, organic eggs, gradually decrease poultry during the week and choose only organic varieties when you eat them. If you eat red meat choose only grass-fed organic, lean and don’t eat this past day 3 of the preparation week. By last day of the week, your protein should come from solely plant sources such as beans, nuts, legumes (for example, black beans, hummus, chick peas, lentils, edamame)
Transitioning off dairy: Choose only low or non-fat organic dairy with little to no added sugars. If you choose soy, rice or almond milk also get unflavored/plain to limit the sugar content. Choose organic cheese, and transition from cow’s milk cheese to goat cheese by the middle of the week. By the end of the week (day 5) all dairy should be out of your diet to prepare for the Reboot.

5. Preparation the Night before your Reboot.
Stop all NON-PRESCRIPTION vitamins/supplements during the Reboot unless you have been advised to take them by a physician.
Don’t take any self-prescribed, over-the-counter medications.
Hydrate well (at least 64-72 ounces a day)
Set up your juicer the night before – get all parts cleaned and ready on your kitchen counter. You can even prep your veggies and fruits by cleaning them ahead of time and storing them in the fridge to make your morning run more smoothly.
Go to bed early and get a good night’s sleep.


and i'm reading this, too, getting ready:

Meal Plan: Day 1
 
First Thing in the Morning:

Herbal Tea or hot water with lemon
 
Breakfast:
Cherry Cinnamon Apple Bake
This dish is delicious warm or cool.
Double the recipe for an extra serving.

1 cup Cherries (cut and discard pit)
2 Apples cored and chopped
3 Tbsp. Raisins (choose golden variety for a twist)
1 Tbsp. Cinnamon (or more to taste)
1/2 tsp. Nutmeg

Spray baking dish with expeller pressed canola oil
Place into oven safe baking dish and cover
Bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes or until apples are soft
Cool and enjoy!

Calories: 249
Protein: 2 g
Fiber: 9 g
 
Mid-Morning Juice:
Green Juice
6 leaves Kale
2 cups Spinach
1/2 Cucumber
4 stalks Celery
2 Apples
1” Ginger root

Calories: 180
Protein: 12 g
Fiber: 1 g
 
Lunch:
Arugula Spinach Salad and Mustard Vinaigrette Dressing
2 cups Arugula
1 cup Spinach
1/3 Avocado
1/2 cup thinly sliced red Onion
1/2 cup chopped Tomato (heirloom in the summer)
1/2 cup Jicama

Mustard Vinaigrette
1/3 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
1 1/2 Tbsp. Grain mustard
2/3 cups Cold Pressed Olive Oil
Sea Salt & fresh ground Pepper to taste

Puree the vinegar and mustard in a blender. With the blender running, slowly pour in the olive oil. Season to taste with the salt and pepper. Keeps up to 1 week in the refrigerator.
For Honey Mustard Vinaigrette: Add 3/4 Tbsp. Raw Honey
Makes 8-9 servings

Salad and 2 Tbsp. Mustard Dressing:

Calories: 278
Protein: 3.5 g
Fiber: 9 g

Raw Carrot Ginger Soup
Makes 2, 1 1/2 cup servings – save 1 for dinner
3 cups Carrot Juice
1 ripe Avocado
2 Tbsp. Agave Nectar
1 Tbsp. Ginger, minced
1/4 tsp. ground Cayenne Pepper
1/4 tsp. Sea Salt
1/2 cup Coconut Meat, optional
2 Tbsp. Avocado or Olive Oil, for garnish
2 Tbsp. Fresh Cilantro, chopped, for garnish

Puree the first seven ingredients in a blender until completely smooth. Taste and adjust the seasonings if necessary. Garnish the soup with a drizzle of oil and the chopped cilantro.

Per Serving:
Calories: 234
Protein: 2 g
Fiber: 7 g
 
Dinner:
Reboot Green Salad
Make it big! Any greens you like such as romaine hearts, baby romaine, baby spinach, baby arugula, add any veggie you like: cucumber, carrot, celery, pepper, tomato, fennel, radish, sprouts (not bean sprouts), onion, fresh herbs. Avocado may also be added for more substance.
Dress with Ginger Honey Soy Dressing

Salad and 2 Tbsp. Dressing:

Calories: 278
Protein: 3.5 g
Fiber: 9 g

Steamed Snow Peas, Broccoli and Green Beans with Ginger Honey Soy Dressing
1/3 lb. Snow Peas, ends trimmed
1/3 lb. Green Beans, ends trimmed
1 head Broccoli, cut into florets

Heat a pot with boiling salted water and cover with a steamer basket. Add the vegetables and steam about 5 minutes, until the vegetables are cooked but still green and crisp. Drizzle with the Ginger Honey Soy Dressing.

Steamed Veggies and Dressing:

Calories: 203
Protein: 3 g
Fiber: 4 g

Ginger Honey Soy Dressing
2 Tbsp. Minced Fresh Ginger
2 Tbsp. Minced Fresh Garlic
2 Tbsp. Raw Honey
4 Tbsp. Nama Shoyu or Tamari
4 Tbsp. Olive Oil

Puree the first four ingredients in a blender. With the blender running, slowly add the oil until the dressing is emulsified. Keep up to 1 week in the refrigerator.

Makes 5-6 servings
Per serving:

Calories: 133
Protein: 0.5 g
Fiber: 0 g

Before Bed
Herbal Tea (add lemon optional)

It is interesting how Robert is approaching this as to how i am approaching this: I plan on telling no one what i'm doing. NO ONE. Robert, however, has no issue with telling folks about this. I guess i have less tolerance with the questions or comments like "Really?? I heard that wasn't healthy....blah, blah, blah" from someone who knows nothing about the program.

Crossing our fingers....