I'm on the right....

....not really. I just feel like i look like that right now. You know, white (i have no tan whatsoever....) and very fat fluffy. Be that as it may, i am looking into joining TOPS.
Yes, TOPS. You know, "Take Off Pounds Sensibly"? At $26 a year, well, it's a bit more of a bargain than WW with it's "joining fee", "weekly fee" and the "pay even if you don't show" fee. This TOPS group meets on Thursday nights....and it's very close by.

I still have lots of mixed thoughts, lots of questions running through my mind. But the one thing that i don't have mixed thoughts about, or any questions about, is how much i need to do this and how i need to become successful this time. I am scared....because i now have medical reasons to do this and not just the usual "gee, i'm fat" reasons.

I'm off to read....

It needs batteries....

...the scale, that is. It seems that it also decided to take a holiday and let it's batteries run out. Or maybe it's in protest because i will be 'friends' again with it and it will have to deal with my cussing, crying and screaming as i step on it. Who knew that a stupid device with red numbers could cause such a mood shift instantly?

Now? Maybe Tomorrow?

Or maybe next year? Or the year after that? I know, let's just wait till i have really high blood pressure, till i gain even more weight, till i have achy joints, till i can't breathe after i walk up a flight of stairs, till i can't chase my daughter or maybe till i hate myself just a little bit more?

Oh, wait....that's right.

All of THOSE things have already happened.

And so, i've jazzed up my blog to get ready.

Ready for what, you ask?

Ready to try.....again.

Ready to try once again to loose weight. But this time, well, i have a plan. And i have this blog. Because a fat girl just can't talk to just anyone about being fat, right?

I'm reading books about women who are former fat girls who have lost weight. A lot of weight. And most importantly, they have kept it off...and have written books about their journey. I have been stunned at what i've read. Really. I can't believe that there are other women, other fat women, who do the SAME things that i do.

Like walk in the earliest/latest hours of the day so no one will see them exercise.

Like play the game "Am i the fattest woman here?" game.

Like eat and destroy all evidence.

I truly thought, well, that i was the only one.

I'm not....apparently, i have lots of company in the fat.

I'm scared, of course. Scared that i can't do it. Scared that i will once again, fail. Scared at what will happen to me if i don't try to lose this weight again.

Because i truly believe that i am fighting for my life if i don't get rid of this fat...

Off to read more....

How selfish....

...of me. Really. Actually, it's more than selfishness; it's almost a self protecting kinda thing that i do that isn't attractive at all. And i'm doing it more and more often to make myself feel better. I am horrified afterwards, and embarrassed but that doesn't keep me from doing it again and again.

I compare myself to people on TV. I know, i know, a lot of people do. But i don't compare myself to the beautiful people or the famous people, or even the skinny beautiful people. I compare myself to the morbidly obese people that i find. Most of these folks, i find on the medical channel in situations where they are usually fighting for their lives because of their obesity. They are women and men who started off as children, normal (and sometimes chubby) and became obese. These men and women weigh from 400+ to over a thousand pounds and who struggle daily not only to live but to understand why. Why they are the way they are. How they go to be the way they are. And most of all, if they can change.

One of the women who i watched on a show made an online appeal to doctors to do weight loss surgery on her. Amy had a computer that she would rest on her chest as she laid in bed; she no longer could leave her bed. But her makeup was perfect, her nails, done. And i thought the thought that i always think about me: "she would be beautiful if she lost weight". But, no one would touch her because of her weight. Amy was just too overweight for any doctor to take the risk that she would die. But she would die, she felt, if she didn't have this done. This young woman, who had children, was almost over a thousand pounds. The show hit upon her feelings, how she felt about her weight, how she knew she was addicted to food and how she didn't want to die. She worried about her children, about their health. Finally, a doctor responded to her plea and did the surgery. She came out of surgery and seemed in high spirits. And then, her heart couldn't take the demands of surgery....and this beautiful, young woman who was also a mother, died.

I was completely, overwhelmingly, stunned....and then angry. Angry at Amy. Angry because she died. Angry because she had done this to herself. Angry because people who loved her, brought food to her that they shouldn't have. Angry because her daughter was now mother-less. Angry because she ate herself to this point. Angry because she had waited too late to take care of herself. And very, VERY angry....because i could be Amy.

I could be Amy.

But then, i started what i usually do: i started to rationalize.

After all, "i" wasn't almost a thousand pounds. "I" was able to get out of bed. "I" was healthier than "she" was. I was smarter than "she" was because "i" wouldn't let myself get to where "she" was. "I" could lose weight IF "i" wanted to.

Right? "I" wasn't Amy....

But i knew in my heart that i was an Amy in the making.

It scares me every day to know that there is really no difference between Amy and i. I, slowly, am eating my way along to a unhealthy, deadly place. And i am scared that i don't know how to stop, that i am not strong enough to stop eating. That i am not strong enough to get myself healthy. That i won't do the hard work that it takes.

And i will become Amy...

One step forward....

....and what feels like a million steps, back. But it is what it is and all i can do is move forward. One freakin' step at a time. Some days, like today, i feel like my feet are encased in cement, weighing me down to a slow, slow crawl. That i will never move forward or have the strength to.

Ah, yes, it was Biggest Loser night. How did you know? I bet that i am the only person in the world who watches that show and either a) cries or b) eats ice cream as i watch. Never mind that less than 4 feet away sets an amazing treadmill. As i watch others face their demons, i sit with mine and wonder why i find it so difficult to face mine. No one can face your demons for you, you know. It's one of those things that must be done alone and preferably without ice cream.

It's very late....almost 3:30am. I need sleep....

Feelin' like an....

...like an empty pumpkin head. Really. As i slowly watch my weight creep up yet again, i act like an empty pumpkin head who's head contents have been scooped out and thrown away. I act like it's not happening yet again, like i am not slowly going into hell, like my stomach is not growing. And what makes it SUPER special is that the holidays are coming up. Yep...the holidays where you eat, because, well, you're an empty pumpkin head that's what you do. Yeah. Fun. Times. Ahead. Nothing like watching your butt grow during the holidays.

The thing is, i'm not stupid. Really. I guess i just like to torture myself. I hate that i think of my weight every single day, practically every single hour. And then, even better, i start to rationalize it. You know, talking to myself with amazingly insane comments like "At least i don't weigh 200 lbs" or even worse, "She's bigger than i am". What the difference does that make? I'm still FAT extremely overweight, i gasp for air when i carry my daughter up the stairs, i drink diet coke (that's a whole 'nother post, btw....) like i should be drinking water, i eat portions big enough for elephants. And then complain and whine because i'm FAT overweight. It's no wonder i am. It doesn't even take a genius to figure out why.

I've made so many plans, so many 'start over to-day' plans that i can't count them. I want to be healthy. I want to be slim. But i don't do the hard work that it takes; i don't stick to the plan and the hard work that it takes. And i continue to pretend that "i'm-not-REALLY-fat"....yeah, right, i'm just freakin' fluffy. I look in the mirror at my reflection and i wonder who the woman in the mirror is. Who IS that woman? When i catch a fast glimpse of myself in a mirror when i'm out shopping, i think (don't laugh.....) "She would be even prettier if she lost some weight!". I am horrified when i realize that woman in the mirror who i think would be prettier if she lost some weight is ME.

I don't know what the answer is anymore. What is it? Do i crawl back to WW for the oh, MILLIONTH fifth time? Do i do the Metabolism B book to work on keeping me away from unhealthy carbs that i inhale and love so much? Do i wire my mouth shut? Do i go back to Spark? I don't know anymore. What i do know is that i'm scared to death....scared that i will gain even more weight, scared that i will die because of my weight, scared that i will never, ever win against this fight of mine....and even more terrified that i will pass along these issues to my beautiful, beautiful daughter.

My daughter.

She is who i want to be like. Sunshine loves to run, loves to laugh, loves all of her body parts and thinks that her toes, her belly and especially her belly button is the cutest thing around. She has no concept of how she looks and doesn't care (yeah, i know, she's only two and a half...) how she looks. Sunshine loves life and doesn't obsess over body image or fat worries. She's too busy enjoying life, loving life and playing to bother.

Yes, i want to be like my Sunshine.

I don't push Sunshine to eat. She eats when she's hungry and stops when she's full. If she says "No more, Mommy!" then it's no more. She loves (and i mean LOVES) fruits, yogurt, and more fruit. She has a weakness for Mac and Cheese, but again, stops when she's full. Maybe that's the secret...only and ONLY eat when you're hungry. Surely it cannot be that simple, can it? You hear so much about eating 3 meals with two snacks, eating more protein and less carbs, eating this and not that. Can the secret be to only eat when you're hungry?!?!

I need to think about this. Seriously.

I may have a lot to learn from my Sunshine....

Oh yes....

.....like i needed to make these? These lovely little things are Cake Balls. There should be a law against Cake Balls. So very easy to make, and SO very easy for a fat girl to eat. They are worse than chips and salsa, worse than, well, any food i can think of.

How do you make these lovely little balls? I found the recipe on Bakerella's site; i truly believe that every time i visit her site, i gain more weight and i crave a vat of whatever it is that she has made. For that reason, i'm not going to bother posting the recipe for out of fear that i will make more.

But Cake Balls make wonderful gifts for skinny people you don't like. You know, so you can try to get them to be carb-junkies, too....