Feelin' like an....

...like an empty pumpkin head. Really. As i slowly watch my weight creep up yet again, i act like an empty pumpkin head who's head contents have been scooped out and thrown away. I act like it's not happening yet again, like i am not slowly going into hell, like my stomach is not growing. And what makes it SUPER special is that the holidays are coming up. Yep...the holidays where you eat, because, well, you're an empty pumpkin head that's what you do. Yeah. Fun. Times. Ahead. Nothing like watching your butt grow during the holidays.

The thing is, i'm not stupid. Really. I guess i just like to torture myself. I hate that i think of my weight every single day, practically every single hour. And then, even better, i start to rationalize it. You know, talking to myself with amazingly insane comments like "At least i don't weigh 200 lbs" or even worse, "She's bigger than i am". What the difference does that make? I'm still FAT extremely overweight, i gasp for air when i carry my daughter up the stairs, i drink diet coke (that's a whole 'nother post, btw....) like i should be drinking water, i eat portions big enough for elephants. And then complain and whine because i'm FAT overweight. It's no wonder i am. It doesn't even take a genius to figure out why.

I've made so many plans, so many 'start over to-day' plans that i can't count them. I want to be healthy. I want to be slim. But i don't do the hard work that it takes; i don't stick to the plan and the hard work that it takes. And i continue to pretend that "i'm-not-REALLY-fat"....yeah, right, i'm just freakin' fluffy. I look in the mirror at my reflection and i wonder who the woman in the mirror is. Who IS that woman? When i catch a fast glimpse of myself in a mirror when i'm out shopping, i think (don't laugh.....) "She would be even prettier if she lost some weight!". I am horrified when i realize that woman in the mirror who i think would be prettier if she lost some weight is ME.

I don't know what the answer is anymore. What is it? Do i crawl back to WW for the oh, MILLIONTH fifth time? Do i do the Metabolism B book to work on keeping me away from unhealthy carbs that i inhale and love so much? Do i wire my mouth shut? Do i go back to Spark? I don't know anymore. What i do know is that i'm scared to death....scared that i will gain even more weight, scared that i will die because of my weight, scared that i will never, ever win against this fight of mine....and even more terrified that i will pass along these issues to my beautiful, beautiful daughter.

My daughter.

She is who i want to be like. Sunshine loves to run, loves to laugh, loves all of her body parts and thinks that her toes, her belly and especially her belly button is the cutest thing around. She has no concept of how she looks and doesn't care (yeah, i know, she's only two and a half...) how she looks. Sunshine loves life and doesn't obsess over body image or fat worries. She's too busy enjoying life, loving life and playing to bother.

Yes, i want to be like my Sunshine.

I don't push Sunshine to eat. She eats when she's hungry and stops when she's full. If she says "No more, Mommy!" then it's no more. She loves (and i mean LOVES) fruits, yogurt, and more fruit. She has a weakness for Mac and Cheese, but again, stops when she's full. Maybe that's the secret...only and ONLY eat when you're hungry. Surely it cannot be that simple, can it? You hear so much about eating 3 meals with two snacks, eating more protein and less carbs, eating this and not that. Can the secret be to only eat when you're hungry?!?!

I need to think about this. Seriously.

I may have a lot to learn from my Sunshine....