Thoughts.....

Pickles, my walking buddy
It's almost 3am and i can't sleep. We ate out last night at Martin's BBQ and for me, although it was yummy, it was a huge mistake. I really can't do the eat-out thing anymore unless i am going to eat something clean. It just isn't worth it. My stomach feels like lead. This revelation is a hard one for me as i love to go out to eat. While we really have slowed down eating out, it was really a fun treat to do with my little family. I guess i really need to realize that spending time with my little crew is important, not eating out...

I am taking a diabetic class later on this morning. It's going to be an all-day affair with lots of learning the do's and the don'ts of how my life will now be. How i'll be eating, preparing meals, learning to use my nifty, new meter, and things that are important for diabetics to know. I had to stop reading on my online research; diabetes effects so many things in your body. That shouldn't really be a surprise as i know that everything in your body is suppose to work together so if one part is sick, well, other parts will follow if you don't make changes. I am actually looking forward to taking this class because i feel like i don't know enough to deal with my health right now.

One of the questions on the intake questionnaire is "How do you feel about your health?"

My answer?

Angry.

Angry because it is my fault and if i had cared more about my health, i wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't be diabetic. I wouldn't have high blood pressure. I wouldn't have high cholesterol. I wouldn't have protein in my urine (still not sure what THAT means). I wouldn't be overweight. I thought i would just ignore my health, because, really, what could happen to me? (This is otherwise known as the "Head-In-The-Sand" approach....)

I know, my reasoning is something to behold, isn't it?

After all, if i don't take care of myself, how will i be around to take care of my husband and little daughter?

Pickles and i are now walking buddies. We walk Emma to her bus stop every morning (and continue to walk once the bus leaves) and then we walk to her bus stop to pick her up every afternoon (we leave early from the house to get our walk in before the bus shows up). It has done both Pickles and i good to walk together....she really is a great dog and exercise is good for her, too. The kids at the bus stop love to pet her and Emma giggles when they line up to get on the bus and Pickles lines up with them as if she is getting on the bus, too. Twice a day, i walk Pickles. I know that i will need to incorporate more exercise than just walking Pickles, but i am proud of the fact that i have started with walking which i have always enjoyed.

I really should get a bit more sleep as it's going to be a long day....

Sample Day of Food

"If you have diabetes you should follow a special diet. Here’s a sample diabetic meal plan that is about 1,600 calories and 220 grams of carbohydrates. Remember to drink two 8-ounce glasses of water with each meal."

Breakfast
(360 calories, 52.5 grams carbohydrate)

1 slice toasted whole wheat bread with 1 teaspoon margarine
1/4 cup egg substitute or cottage cheese
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/2 cup skim milk
1/2 small banana


Lunch
(535 calories, 75 grams carbohydrate)

1 cup vegetable soup with 4-6 crackers
1 turkey sandwich (2 slices whole wheat bread, 1 ounce turkey and 1 ounce low-fat cheese, 1 teaspoon mayonnaise)
1 small apple


Dinner
(635 calories, 65 grams carbohydrate)

4 ounces broiled chicken breast with basil and oregano sprinkled on top
2/3 cup cooked brown rice
1/2 cup cooked carrots
1 small whole grain dinner roll with 1 teaspoon margarine
Tossed salad with 2 tablespoons low-fat salad dressing
4 unsweetened canned apricot halves or 1 small slice of angel food cake


Snacks
(Each has 60 calories or 15 grams carbohydrate. Pick two per day.)

16 fat-free tortilla chips with salsa
1/2 cup artificially sweetened chocolate pudding
1 ounce string cheese plus one small piece of fruit
3 cups light popcorn


-Taken from WebMD

So, this isn't good news.....

....at all. Not that this news is unexpected; in fact, it's news that i was pretty sure wasn't "new" news at all. It was just that this news wasn't 'confirmed' by my doctor. Of course, it was mainly not confirmed because i chose to hide from my doctor, cancel my appointments and pretty much keep my head in the sand while singing 'la-de-da' while sticking my fingers in my ears.

Ready for the not-so-shocking news?

I am a diabetic.

In fact, i'm just not a 'little' diabetic, i am REALLY diabetic.

You know, the Type 2 kind?

Yes, that would be me.

The medicine taking, stabbing my finger for numbers, needing to eat correctly, exercise daily, losing weight kind of diabetic that needs to change her life style like NOW kind-of-diabetic.

Yes, that is me.

Apparently, i am NOT too cute to be a diabetic.

Another shocker, yes?

While i am not shocked, i am a bit a LOT scared. I have done what most folks have done: pretend that i am a "healthy-fat" instead of a not-healthy fat. I have pretended to be happy as i am, taking my body and my health for granted. I have pretended that carrying an extra oh, say, an extra 70 pounds is okay. I have pretended to be a healthy-fat for a bit too long.

Isn't that hysterical? I actually convinced myself that i was a 'healthy-fat'!

Not so funny anymore as this pretend game of mine has finally caught up with me....what a surprise, yes?

So, along with my life-style change, a blog overhaul is needed.

Welcome to the new...

This Little Diabetic Piggy Blog
And so i begin on this most important journey....no games, no half-way, no pretending to be healthy, no sneaking foods that are not going to help me.

Being a diabetic is serious, folks.....very serious.

Being a diabetic is a game changer.

I am just sad that it took this to wake me up.

Pray for me, please....or send good vibes my way as i start to navigate my new life.

And maybe even follow along?

I'll need all of the support i can get....

Well then.....

...progress has been made.

I am now at 198.6

How sad that a good number on the scale makes me feel better about myself?

Something else to work on...the scale numbers should not determine how i feel about myself.

Perhaps it's because i drink so much water now that i could float away? And since i now make water my drink of choice, it surprises me that i have developed a thirst for water. My old favorites are too 'sweet' and don't quench my thirst. Lets totally forget that over the years, i've read at least a million times about how that happens when you drink water. I guess better late than never that i finally proved this to myself, yes?

I like that my clothes are loose.

I hate that i can never seem to get enough sleep.

A Crossfit gym has just opened up down the road from where we live.

I know, i can't see me doing it, either.....but the gentleman i spoke to on the phone when i called about it tells me that i can and to give it a try before i decide that i can't do it. He tells me that he has others my age and my weight that are making changes to their body and for me to check it out.

I hate that i think i can't do thinks because i am fat.

I hate that i let this kind of thinking rule my life.

I really need to tell the little voice that whispers thees things to me to shut the hell up and go away.

I hate that i don't love me like i love others.

I hate that i feel not worthy.

How does God love me when i feel so un-worthy of His love?

Time to drink more water....i am thirsty.

Again.

And today......

....i am at 200.00 lbs.

Again.

But it's okay because i am excited about it....and i see 199 lbs.

I am drinking a lot of water.

And it is helping to make me realize that i'm not hungry, but that i'm thirsty.

I'm going to go read some other blogs and catch up a bit.

Today, is a good day.

How sad that i let a number on a scale influence me this much?

Good number, good day.

Bad number, bad day.

Must really work on that...

Serious Stuff....

I like to pretend to be cheery.

Especially when i blog.

Truth is, i'm not cheery.

I struggle with depression.

I have for a very long time.

My lows are VERY low.

My highs are VERY high.

There isn't a lot of in-between.

I'm at the low end right now....it's hard to explain to folks. I have so much good in my life and i know this. But like a dark, looming cloud, this stuff follows me where-ever i go, not letting loose, constantly pulling tighter around my neck. I know that i would never harm myself no matter how much i want to; i could never leave my child and my husband with the devastation that suicide leaves behind.

But sometimes, sometimes i just want to drift away.

To close my eyes and never open them again.

To not feel the way i do.

To escape these types of days.

But then, i hear my daughter's giggles and hear "Mommy, come pwlay wiff me!!".....

...and i get up, and begin again.

Yeah....guess who?

My little one and i are in FL, visiting my sister.

The state of FL is otherwise known as "Swamp Land" or "Alligator Land"....

It is very hot here for this Nashville, TN girl. H.O.T. It's so hot that my little one doesn't even want to venture outside....i can't lure her with the promise of a zoo visit or a visit to the Alligator Farm. Of course, at a temp of 94 degrees and humidity half past the temperature in hell, who can possibly blame her?

The only place she wants to go is to swimming lessons....yes, my little mermaid is learning to swim. I will probably not be able to keep her out of the pool after she learns!

I haven't worn make-up in a week and a half. There is really no point in wearing make-up when it slides off your face the moment you step outside. I feel naked without make-up but i've been using a fantastic skin lotion that my sister introduced me to called NeriumAD. I'm not one to toot a horn over something amazing because, well, nevermind, but this stuff, IS AMAZING. I truly love this skin cream and trust me, like most women, i've tried just about all of them. My redness is gone and my pores have gotten smaller. Perhaps i should spread this night cream all over my body. sigh.

Being in FL has made me feel not-so-good. It is hot and i'm sure because of my weight (i am at 201.2 as of this morning), i seem to sweat more than usual. Perhaps some women do perspire; i just sweat. I can sweat sitting still. I can sweat just walking out the door here in FL. I see women in their shorts and tank tops and i turn away because i would love to wear shorts (real shorts, not knee length ones) and a tank top. I see my sister in her two piece and i literally have to leave the room. I feel horrible, like a failure.

But then, i realize that i haven't done the hard work to be healthy. I haven't done the exercise to be healthy. I haven't eaten like a healthy person....so i deserve to feel like this. I have had so many 'this is it' moments....perhaps none of them were truly 'this is it' moments. I just know that i feel like giving up and resign myself to the fact that apparently, i don't want to be healthy. I am scared of dying due to my weight. I know i have high blood pressure. I know my cholesterol is sky high. I am probably a diabetic. I am a stroke patient just waiting to happen. I am scared...so very scared. I don't want to leave my young daughter without a mother. I don't want to leave my husband without a wife. I don't want to leave my sister with no family.

Perhaps one change at a time...perhaps just one change at a time.

Surely i can do that....

This week, i have given up diet coke while in FL. It's mostly due to the fact that diet coke isn't as good as water is for quenching my thirst. It wasn't hard as while down here, well, i have managed to drink tons (almost 3 liters a day!) daily. Perhaps i start here....giving up diet coke for water and add to that with getting rid of bread or milk. As much as i like both of those, i do feel better when i don't eat them. And then, add walking. I seem to set myself up for guaranteed failure when i make a huge "starting list".

Maybe my attitude also needs to change. I

just feel helpless in this journey. It has lasted for so very long. I take 3 steps forward and then i take 2 steps back. Being overweight has stopped me from so many things.

How can i possibly teach my daughter to be fearless, love herself, be kind to herself and be active when i don't practice those very same things?

You can't teach what you don't practice...

I did install something called My Diet Coach Pro on my phone. It's a very cool app...perhaps it will help.

Spinach salad tonight for dinner....a huge one.

Off to stop thinking for a bit....

....which hasn't been the case the past few months. It feels good, though, to feel hopeful. It feels as though a door has been cracked open just a bit and the light is shining through that crack...just enough to make me hang on and be hopeful that all the things i have learned through Spark and on my own will finally come together for me and i will not only 'get it' but put together but live it.

 Like so many folks, i have struggled with depression. I don't talk about it, almost as if i pretend i don't struggle with it, then i don't. It's what i like to call my "head in the sand" approach! What bothers me the most about depression, is that i know that it can effect others, like my little daughter and husband. I do my best to not let anyone see, not even them, that i would sometimes just like to pull the covers over my head and raise the white flag. In those moments when i fail, and they do see my struggle, i feel like i have lost hope. Hope that i will be a good mommy and wife; hope that i can beat depression's grip. It's the worst feeling of all, thinking you have lost your hope....because if you truly do lose your hope, then what is left?

 I love watching how my daughter has hope. "Don't worry, Mommy! Let's hope that our plant will survive! Let's pray for it!" She will say this even as our little seedling plants are wilting to their death for lack of water because i have forgotten to water them in a week or so.. She is hopeful in God's promise. I honestly think that i have learned more from my little daughter than i ever would have imagined possible. I thought that i was to be HER teacher....and many times, it's the other way around.

This year, my word of the year is "HOPEFUL".

 A hopeful heart doesn't give up.

 A hopeful mind believes in change for the good.

A hopeful attitude helps in taking care of one's self.

 A hopeful aura means that you don't give up....ever.

 And so.....here is to a most "hopeful" New Year!

....and be prepared. If anything has contributed to my not being at goal, it would be how I don't practice follow thru by being prepared for my day food-wise. I don't take the time to plan; and if I do, I don't follow thru.....which then leaves me totally unprepared for my day.

 If I don't have a plan, I will continue to fail.

 If I don't follow thru, I will continue to fail.

 I am tired of failing.

 I have to sit down and plan my week's food. I have to follow my plan..... .....and in doing that, I will be prepared and make good food choices.

How come something that sounds so easy has been so hard for me to do?!?!

Grocery store today.....bagged spinach, fruits, veggies, frozen, cooked sliced chicken breast will make life easier. I dug out my most favorite water bottle yesterday; I have no idea why it is so easy to meet my water goals when I drink from this bottle, but I don't struggle with water when I have that water bottle.

 I haven't done any measurements yet. I know it is important to do, so in the morning, I will dig out my tape measure. I hate doing measurements....but it needs to be done and recorded.

Not knowing where else to turn, I am here to begin again. I am tired of being tired. I am so very tired of being tired. I have found my rock bottom and have no where to go other than up from this point. I can't go any lower. I have an amazing husband. I have a beautiful daughter. But I am existing at this weight and use it as an excuse to not play with my daughter, or dress up to go out with my husband. I am tired do existing.... And so, I begin.....again.

Run....

No, i'm not running. It's hard to imagine me right now running at 205.3 lbs. In fact, it's hard to imagine me doing anything where i don't feel like i'm moving my mass around with lots off effort. Summer does that to you, you know. No, it's something even more unimaginable. And it's all started with a book. Not just any book, mind you, but a book called Eat To Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, M.D. Keep in mind that when i bought this book, i had no idea that this book was a 'vegan' book plan. If i had, i probably never would have picked it up. Oh, it's not that i don't like veggies, it's just that i tend to eat like it seems most Americans eat: high carbs, lots of fats, lots of breads, lots of sugar and lots of junk. Going from that to eating like a vegan is like, well, wiring my mouth shut. I thought it would be impossible for me to eat the vegan way. In fact, in my more lucid moments, i'm still not sure. But i do know this, i'm scared. I know that i'm not healthy. I know that i'm borderline (if not already) diabetic. I know my blood pressure isn't anywhere near the healthy range. I feel like staying in bed most days, not moving and only getting up to potty or eat. Thank God for my daughter and husband, otherwise, i'm sure that i would be that person. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a healthy wife and mother. And i want a life where i am fully engaged and not sitting on the side lines. Am i insane for even thinking about trying Dr. Fuhrman's way? Maybe so, but something has to give Something HAS to change. I'm almost done with the book....just a few more chapters left. The thing is, this way of eating looks do-able. And i think that it will save my life.

Friday.

So much to do, and i'm afraid that i am not keeping up very well. I feel like a disorganized mess lately; what is that saying? If you fail to plan then get ready to fail? Yes, that's how i feel today. I sat down to make a list, and even THAT became a bit much to deal with. Looking at the list makes all that i need to do seem all that more overwhelming. I may need to change my blog name to "This Little Piggy Complains...." I do think, however, that i know how a hamster on a wheel feels....

Just Random....

....thoughts. I've been on a mini-vacation with my little tot to see my sister and her three children. While a fantastic time, it's a tiring time as there are four children and only 2 adults. The odds are not in our favor! The ages of the four are 12, 11, 8, and 5. Those ages are so much fun and yet, those ages are also the ages to drive mothers to drink.

I have had a headache the past few days that just won't go away. It is one of those constant kind of headaches that just won't be tamed with aspirin. I would love nothing better to sleep, alone in my comfy bed, but that's just not in the cards for this Mommy. I am willing to bed that this headache is due to my cutting down on the caffeine by not drinking so much Diet Coke. It's time to let go of that vice....it has truly gotten out of hand. Why drink diet drinks when i can drink water? I've been asking myself that the past few days and my answers are getting bitchier; i'm afraid that i also have huge (and i mean MAJOR HUGE) issues with sugar. I'm going to research some stuff, but i truly think that sugar is something that i need to pay attention to and pay attention to N.O.W.

sigh.

I often feel that i'm a huge failure at taking care of this body of mine that God has given me. I put junk into it as food and expect to feel good and lose weight. If you put junk into your body, shouldn't you expect your body to act like junk? That's not scientific stuff, yes? If i put in bad fuel, then that's what my body has to work with. I have this nagging, nagging thought that i truly need to go plant based and stay away from the red meat. I know how to eat this way. I know how much better i feel when i eat this way.

More sighing.

I came across a blogger that talks about sugar. She is reading a book called "Overcoming Sugar Addiction: How I Kicked My Sugar Habit..." by Karly Randolph Pitman. As i read what this blogger wrote about an incident with cupcakes, i could see myself. I could see me doing the exact same thing. I've ordered this book. While excited about this book, i'm nauseated. I almost don't want to know what this book has to say. Yep, that's a great way to deal with things, isn't it?

More thoughts....

We stayed at Reynolds Plantation at the Ritz Carlton and walking was part of this vacation. It is a beautiful place with lots of things/activities to do. The walking was actually relaxing and dare i say it, fun. I had no problem keeping up with the kids, but by the end of the night, i was so ready to park my tail in bed. My weight actually went down while i was there; i ate like my 118 pound sister does and it was a good learning experience. While my sister does love good food, she doesn't use it as a reward like i do. She is satisfied with sharing a meal and a dessert and will actually leave food on her plate. Apparently, the stories that my mother told us of all of the starving children in the world to get us to clean our plates only bothered me. Claudine reminds me so much of my mother....her features, her manners and the way she speaks are like catching a glimpse of my mother. Those glimpses make me miss our Mom that much more, but are comforting to see in my sister. The older we get, the more thankful i am for her...

There is a pile of laundry to do, things to catch up on, and some plans to make as this week is Spring Break for the tot. Off to do what i need to do...

Temper

One of the things i try not to do is yell and lose my temper at my little daughter. I still remember how it felt to be yelled at at a young age (it's a Spanish thing, i think....we yell and forgive in the time span of 5 seconds) and it felt horrible to have someone so much bigger than me yell at me.

I lost my temper about an hour ago at my little daughter.

She is sleeping now, hands tucked under her little chin like she is saying her prayers.

I feel horrible.

Why did i lose my temper?

I was folding laundry in the bedroom and i heard some noises coming from the kitchen. My little snack monster had gotten into the little bags of cookies, which to be honest with you, i shouldn't have in this house anyway. The little bags of cookies are the perfect size for her to have as a treat for after school with a glass of milk though. I think that maybe what i'm upset about: i am using cookies as a 'treat' for her. You know, "if you have a good day at school, you can have a treat!" kinda thing.

Of course, truth be told, i'm upset with myself and not her....

I desperately don't want her to have my eating habits. I don't want sugar to be considered a 'food' group for her. I don't want her to think of food as 'treats'. I want her to see food as i wish i could see it: fuel for our bodies. Somewhere along the line, i started seeing food as the reason for everything. Need to celebrate? Let's get great food! Holiday? Let's get great food! Are we sad? Let's get great food! Are we happy? Hooray! Let's get lots of great food.

I don't want her to be like me.

I don't want food to be her friend.

A Very Long Weekend...

Note to self: Never, ever, EVER let your husband go to Costco alone and hungry. Trust me on this one, folks. He came back with more garbage (read: cupcakes, bagels, etc) than either one of us need. While i can blame him for bringing it to the house, i can't blame him for me eating two (sigh) carrot cake cupcakes. I should have followed my first instinct and thrown those freakin' cupcakes in the trash as soon as i saw them....but nope, i didn't.

Why is just walking away from food (okay, not 'good' food, but cupcakes!) so hard? Why do i hear this voice inside saying: "Oh, you have worked SO hard these past few days! It won't hurt! Look at it as a "reward"...." You would think that i was a dog the way i reward myself with treats!

sigh.....

woof

Re-Sparking....

....again. You would think that it would be easier to just keep "the Spark" alive instead of letting it burn out, yes? And yet, it seems i haven't learned this yet. I am thinking that perhaps i should just set my self on fire each morning so this won't happen again.

For those of you who don't know what "Spark" is, it is this: an AMAZING website to help you get a 'spark' to get healthy and to lose weight. There are boards to meet others who are like you, there is a place to log your food, a place to log your exercise, a place to blog, graphs/tracking/tickers for your weight and a place to meet others who are on the same journey that you're on. There are SIMPLE EASY plans to follow. There is even a recipe site attached to Spark with a gazillion recipes! Every think you need to get healthy and fit is right there.

The very best thing about Spark?

It's TOTALLY FREE!

FREE, FREE, FREE, FREEEEE!

All of it....okay, if you want to buy The Spark Book, it'll cost you a little. To buy the Boot Camp video costs a little, too. But honestly, The Spark website is amazing.

If you want to check it out yourself, you can click HERE

Okay, off my Spark soapbox!

It is scary to look back and to see how long i've been talking about getting healthy. I seem to have wasted a lot of time talking, planning, thinking, talking some more instead of just following the suggestions of Spark and picking three small goals and starting from there. I must think that i am a professional Sparking or something! If i would just FOLLOW the plan that is here; that's all i have to do. It's already all done for me. It's already proven to work. Instead, i have "planned" my own way.....which has lead me back to the same exact starting point each and every time. It's almost like Ground Hog Day for me!

One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

One moment at a time.

One second at a time.

It is apparent to me that i need more help with getting on the bandwagon, so i've found a therapist. I have to figure out what in the heck is going on. One thing is for sure, though: i am following The Spark plan. I have picked out my three mini-goals to start with. I am making my motivation sheet. I am going to blog. And i am going to drink the water. I am to the point where i don't give a flip how long it takes me, i am going to get healthy and lose this weight....i am rock bottom and there is no where to go but up from where i am.

Rock bottom is not a good place to be. It is like a pit of despair that you can't seem to get out of or shake off. It is a sad, rotten place to be. I've been here for a bit now, and if i don't get out soon, i'm worried at what i would do to get healthy.

Yeah, it sucks that much. :o/

Even the sight of Spring has not helped me much. Spring is the time of re-birth and new beginnings, right? I have to get help with this. I have to...

Wish me good vibes, my friends....please.

Needing Friends....

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

"Don't forget your sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'sisters' means ALL the women. your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Careers end.

BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are
between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you....Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

~ Author Unknown

It's Monday...

....and the start to another week. I feel a bit better and not so much into my funk as i did. I am grateful for that; i know that i tend to rub off on my little family when i'm like that. If i am in a mood, i cast a large shadow around me, engulfing everything in my path.

I'm doing my Body By Vi shakes....honestly, i have to admit that i love those shakes. Those shakes are a no-brainer for me and so easy to fix. I can fix whatever flavor i want and there are so many recipes that others have shared. The fact that i can pour it into a large cup and run out the door with it if i'm running late is a HUGE plus, too. I need as little 'let me think about this' as i can get most days and these shakes, well, they fill that need. I eat dinner with the family and i'm good. So, lets see how my progress goes, yes?

Beautiful spring-like day today. I love this kind of weather. It truly puts me in a better frame of mind to be outside and be active. I can feel my skin drink up the sun as i am in it. It's a good feeling and a great re-charger.

Off to enjoy my day...

Here's an idea....

...that just might work! So i'm off to find some great lipstick, fantastic jewelry and some amazing shoes!

Never enough?

It is another one of those days where I wish I could crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and just stay there, hidden from the world.

I have so much to do and yet no will or motivation to do any of it. It is almost as if I don't care. How can that be? How and why do I get like this? I don't care if I eat or not, I don't care if I grab a shower or not, I don't seem to care that I have so much that I need to get done.

I do know this: I am tired of thinking about food, about planning menus, about my weight, about my stomach, my heart and the scale. I feel like I am just never enough...never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough or organized enough.

I feel like I am never enough.

Maybe this mood has come about from the 15-week class I am taking called Power to Choose. I am only in my third week and yet while I can feel God stirring in my heart, I feel like I am stuck in a pit of hopelessness. There are 12-Steps to this program, and I swear, the steps are getting harder instead of becoming easier!

A nap.

Yes, I think I would like a nap.

If you are inclined to do the praying thing, please pray for peace of mind for me....many thanks.