Where does help come from?

I often wonder how many "this is it" moments that one can possibly have? Two? Three? Four? Fifteen? One hundred? When doe your "this is IT" moment truly become a "THIS IS IT" moment?

I remember long ago when i weighed 120lbs. I was unhappy because i didn't weigh 110lbs, but i remember thinking, "Well, at least i don't weigh 140lbs!". At 140 lbs, i remember thinking "Well, at least i don't weigh 160 lbs!".

At 199lbs, i remember thinking "Well, at least i don't weigh 200lbs!! Because THAT will really be it!!!"

As of this morning, i am 206 lbs.

I am unhealthy.

I complain about it.

I can't keep up with my toddler.

I hate how i look.

I hate how i feel.

I'm tired of hating everything.

And yet, none of the above has set my @ss on fire. None of the above has made me get my butt out of bed early in the morning to do the things i know i need to do to become a healthy mother, woman and wife.

What will it take? A heart attack?

Why do i lack a sense of urgency about my health and my weight? Am i lazy? Or is it that i think that i will fail, so why bother trying?

Yes, i think that's it. I think that i will fail so i don't even bother anymore. I don't ask for help from those that would gladly help me. I don't bother to go to the gym because of how i look and feel. Why try when you know think that you will fail?

I get close to tears every time that i think about this. So, of course, i do my best not to think about it and sooth myself with some sugary treat.

I have a friend who is in her mid-50s who just found out recently that she has stage 3 ovarian cancer. It occurred to me this morning while thinking about her how her life will be cut short because of this cancer; that she would love to have more days, more time to be healthy and to do the things that she needs and wants to do. Yet, i am here, pretty much healthy, and yet, i don't take action to do the best i can do to feel better and keep healthy.

I take my health for granted.

This is a photo of my new necklace. I love this necklace....

"I thirst"

I thirst for hope that i will do this....