How selfish....

...of me. Really. Actually, it's more than selfishness; it's almost a self protecting kinda thing that i do that isn't attractive at all. And i'm doing it more and more often to make myself feel better. I am horrified afterwards, and embarrassed but that doesn't keep me from doing it again and again.

I compare myself to people on TV. I know, i know, a lot of people do. But i don't compare myself to the beautiful people or the famous people, or even the skinny beautiful people. I compare myself to the morbidly obese people that i find. Most of these folks, i find on the medical channel in situations where they are usually fighting for their lives because of their obesity. They are women and men who started off as children, normal (and sometimes chubby) and became obese. These men and women weigh from 400+ to over a thousand pounds and who struggle daily not only to live but to understand why. Why they are the way they are. How they go to be the way they are. And most of all, if they can change.

One of the women who i watched on a show made an online appeal to doctors to do weight loss surgery on her. Amy had a computer that she would rest on her chest as she laid in bed; she no longer could leave her bed. But her makeup was perfect, her nails, done. And i thought the thought that i always think about me: "she would be beautiful if she lost weight". But, no one would touch her because of her weight. Amy was just too overweight for any doctor to take the risk that she would die. But she would die, she felt, if she didn't have this done. This young woman, who had children, was almost over a thousand pounds. The show hit upon her feelings, how she felt about her weight, how she knew she was addicted to food and how she didn't want to die. She worried about her children, about their health. Finally, a doctor responded to her plea and did the surgery. She came out of surgery and seemed in high spirits. And then, her heart couldn't take the demands of surgery....and this beautiful, young woman who was also a mother, died.

I was completely, overwhelmingly, stunned....and then angry. Angry at Amy. Angry because she died. Angry because she had done this to herself. Angry because people who loved her, brought food to her that they shouldn't have. Angry because her daughter was now mother-less. Angry because she ate herself to this point. Angry because she had waited too late to take care of herself. And very, VERY angry....because i could be Amy.

I could be Amy.

But then, i started what i usually do: i started to rationalize.

After all, "i" wasn't almost a thousand pounds. "I" was able to get out of bed. "I" was healthier than "she" was. I was smarter than "she" was because "i" wouldn't let myself get to where "she" was. "I" could lose weight IF "i" wanted to.

Right? "I" wasn't Amy....

But i knew in my heart that i was an Amy in the making.

It scares me every day to know that there is really no difference between Amy and i. I, slowly, am eating my way along to a unhealthy, deadly place. And i am scared that i don't know how to stop, that i am not strong enough to stop eating. That i am not strong enough to get myself healthy. That i won't do the hard work that it takes.

And i will become Amy...

One step forward....

....and what feels like a million steps, back. But it is what it is and all i can do is move forward. One freakin' step at a time. Some days, like today, i feel like my feet are encased in cement, weighing me down to a slow, slow crawl. That i will never move forward or have the strength to.

Ah, yes, it was Biggest Loser night. How did you know? I bet that i am the only person in the world who watches that show and either a) cries or b) eats ice cream as i watch. Never mind that less than 4 feet away sets an amazing treadmill. As i watch others face their demons, i sit with mine and wonder why i find it so difficult to face mine. No one can face your demons for you, you know. It's one of those things that must be done alone and preferably without ice cream.

It's very late....almost 3:30am. I need sleep....

Feelin' like an....

...like an empty pumpkin head. Really. As i slowly watch my weight creep up yet again, i act like an empty pumpkin head who's head contents have been scooped out and thrown away. I act like it's not happening yet again, like i am not slowly going into hell, like my stomach is not growing. And what makes it SUPER special is that the holidays are coming up. Yep...the holidays where you eat, because, well, you're an empty pumpkin head that's what you do. Yeah. Fun. Times. Ahead. Nothing like watching your butt grow during the holidays.

The thing is, i'm not stupid. Really. I guess i just like to torture myself. I hate that i think of my weight every single day, practically every single hour. And then, even better, i start to rationalize it. You know, talking to myself with amazingly insane comments like "At least i don't weigh 200 lbs" or even worse, "She's bigger than i am". What the difference does that make? I'm still FAT extremely overweight, i gasp for air when i carry my daughter up the stairs, i drink diet coke (that's a whole 'nother post, btw....) like i should be drinking water, i eat portions big enough for elephants. And then complain and whine because i'm FAT overweight. It's no wonder i am. It doesn't even take a genius to figure out why.

I've made so many plans, so many 'start over to-day' plans that i can't count them. I want to be healthy. I want to be slim. But i don't do the hard work that it takes; i don't stick to the plan and the hard work that it takes. And i continue to pretend that "i'm-not-REALLY-fat"....yeah, right, i'm just freakin' fluffy. I look in the mirror at my reflection and i wonder who the woman in the mirror is. Who IS that woman? When i catch a fast glimpse of myself in a mirror when i'm out shopping, i think (don't laugh.....) "She would be even prettier if she lost some weight!". I am horrified when i realize that woman in the mirror who i think would be prettier if she lost some weight is ME.

I don't know what the answer is anymore. What is it? Do i crawl back to WW for the oh, MILLIONTH fifth time? Do i do the Metabolism B book to work on keeping me away from unhealthy carbs that i inhale and love so much? Do i wire my mouth shut? Do i go back to Spark? I don't know anymore. What i do know is that i'm scared to death....scared that i will gain even more weight, scared that i will die because of my weight, scared that i will never, ever win against this fight of mine....and even more terrified that i will pass along these issues to my beautiful, beautiful daughter.

My daughter.

She is who i want to be like. Sunshine loves to run, loves to laugh, loves all of her body parts and thinks that her toes, her belly and especially her belly button is the cutest thing around. She has no concept of how she looks and doesn't care (yeah, i know, she's only two and a half...) how she looks. Sunshine loves life and doesn't obsess over body image or fat worries. She's too busy enjoying life, loving life and playing to bother.

Yes, i want to be like my Sunshine.

I don't push Sunshine to eat. She eats when she's hungry and stops when she's full. If she says "No more, Mommy!" then it's no more. She loves (and i mean LOVES) fruits, yogurt, and more fruit. She has a weakness for Mac and Cheese, but again, stops when she's full. Maybe that's the secret...only and ONLY eat when you're hungry. Surely it cannot be that simple, can it? You hear so much about eating 3 meals with two snacks, eating more protein and less carbs, eating this and not that. Can the secret be to only eat when you're hungry?!?!

I need to think about this. Seriously.

I may have a lot to learn from my Sunshine....

Oh yes....

.....like i needed to make these? These lovely little things are Cake Balls. There should be a law against Cake Balls. So very easy to make, and SO very easy for a fat girl to eat. They are worse than chips and salsa, worse than, well, any food i can think of.

How do you make these lovely little balls? I found the recipe on Bakerella's site; i truly believe that every time i visit her site, i gain more weight and i crave a vat of whatever it is that she has made. For that reason, i'm not going to bother posting the recipe for out of fear that i will make more.

But Cake Balls make wonderful gifts for skinny people you don't like. You know, so you can try to get them to be carb-junkies, too....

A Room With A View....

I saw some photos taken of me yesterday. I was horrified, upset, disgusted, ashamed, and simply stunned. Not sure why i was stunned....i know that i am fat as a freakin' whale obese. Still though, i don't "feel" like i look like that woman in the photos. I feel pretty. Heck, some days, i even feel beautiful. But after seeing these photos, seeing truly how i look, well, i am truly ashamed.

It's not a secret how i got here. I ate too much and didn't move my tail enough. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. But it makes my heart hurt to be here. It makes my soul hurt to be here. I am not only fat, but unhealthy. And if i continue this way, i am in a lot of trouble.

Thinking of a plan.....thinking of a plan.

I need a plan desperately.

Another one of those days....

....where there truly isn't enough cheese, cupcakes, lasagna or diet coke to make it better. I truly believe that if a traveling circus would come through my town, i would join it and run away from home.

But Mommies can't run away from home. Truly, i love being a Mother. But today is one of those days that has me questioning what in the heck i was thinking. My little, cute daughter is a freakin' drama queen. She has turned into a holy terror-tot. Of course, she's only this way at home. Her pre-school teacher thinks she's "just the sweetest little thang!". This little "thang" is going to drive me insane. Everything.....and i mean EVERYTHING is cause for whining. Or crying. Or throwing yourself on the floor.

It's enough to make a person want to eat themselves to death.

Okay, maybe not really.

I feel horrible for complaining. Really, i do. But these past few days, i have celebrated when she's tucked safely into bed and i can just bask in quietness. Last night, i wanted to turn in my Mommy badge. How horrible is that?

Enough....i'm off to suck down a diet coke.

Fall is here....

I love Fall. It truly is my favorite time of the year. The leaves begin to change color, the air becomes cooler and it seems that everything nature wise is slowly going to sleep until the return of Spring. Most people, i think, prefer Spring, because of the blooming of plants and the promise of warmer weather; but Fall gives me the sense of hope for some reason. And of course, the holidays are around the corner and all of the events that come with that. As much as i think that i love the holidays, the truth is, it's not been the same since my Mother passed away in January 2007. Her missing presence is difficult; truth be told, she will never be replaced. No one can cook like she can, no one can smile like she can, no one, well, you get the point.

I am 'planning' on starting running on Monday. I have found a website called "Couch to 5K" so now there is a plan. Surely i can do this if i follow the plan. In last Runner's World, there were folks who started back running much older than i and continue to run. I want to be a runner. I want to do a 5K. I want to do a half marathon. Maybe one day, i can do a whole marathon.

Maybe. Maybe one day....