Yeah....guess who?

My little one and i are in FL, visiting my sister.

The state of FL is otherwise known as "Swamp Land" or "Alligator Land"....

It is very hot here for this Nashville, TN girl. H.O.T. It's so hot that my little one doesn't even want to venture outside....i can't lure her with the promise of a zoo visit or a visit to the Alligator Farm. Of course, at a temp of 94 degrees and humidity half past the temperature in hell, who can possibly blame her?

The only place she wants to go is to swimming lessons....yes, my little mermaid is learning to swim. I will probably not be able to keep her out of the pool after she learns!

I haven't worn make-up in a week and a half. There is really no point in wearing make-up when it slides off your face the moment you step outside. I feel naked without make-up but i've been using a fantastic skin lotion that my sister introduced me to called NeriumAD. I'm not one to toot a horn over something amazing because, well, nevermind, but this stuff, IS AMAZING. I truly love this skin cream and trust me, like most women, i've tried just about all of them. My redness is gone and my pores have gotten smaller. Perhaps i should spread this night cream all over my body. sigh.

Being in FL has made me feel not-so-good. It is hot and i'm sure because of my weight (i am at 201.2 as of this morning), i seem to sweat more than usual. Perhaps some women do perspire; i just sweat. I can sweat sitting still. I can sweat just walking out the door here in FL. I see women in their shorts and tank tops and i turn away because i would love to wear shorts (real shorts, not knee length ones) and a tank top. I see my sister in her two piece and i literally have to leave the room. I feel horrible, like a failure.

But then, i realize that i haven't done the hard work to be healthy. I haven't done the exercise to be healthy. I haven't eaten like a healthy person....so i deserve to feel like this. I have had so many 'this is it' moments....perhaps none of them were truly 'this is it' moments. I just know that i feel like giving up and resign myself to the fact that apparently, i don't want to be healthy. I am scared of dying due to my weight. I know i have high blood pressure. I know my cholesterol is sky high. I am probably a diabetic. I am a stroke patient just waiting to happen. I am scared...so very scared. I don't want to leave my young daughter without a mother. I don't want to leave my husband without a wife. I don't want to leave my sister with no family.

Perhaps one change at a time...perhaps just one change at a time.

Surely i can do that....

This week, i have given up diet coke while in FL. It's mostly due to the fact that diet coke isn't as good as water is for quenching my thirst. It wasn't hard as while down here, well, i have managed to drink tons (almost 3 liters a day!) daily. Perhaps i start here....giving up diet coke for water and add to that with getting rid of bread or milk. As much as i like both of those, i do feel better when i don't eat them. And then, add walking. I seem to set myself up for guaranteed failure when i make a huge "starting list".

Maybe my attitude also needs to change. I

just feel helpless in this journey. It has lasted for so very long. I take 3 steps forward and then i take 2 steps back. Being overweight has stopped me from so many things.

How can i possibly teach my daughter to be fearless, love herself, be kind to herself and be active when i don't practice those very same things?

You can't teach what you don't practice...

I did install something called My Diet Coach Pro on my phone. It's a very cool app...perhaps it will help.

Spinach salad tonight for dinner....a huge one.

Off to stop thinking for a bit....

....which hasn't been the case the past few months. It feels good, though, to feel hopeful. It feels as though a door has been cracked open just a bit and the light is shining through that crack...just enough to make me hang on and be hopeful that all the things i have learned through Spark and on my own will finally come together for me and i will not only 'get it' but put together but live it.

 Like so many folks, i have struggled with depression. I don't talk about it, almost as if i pretend i don't struggle with it, then i don't. It's what i like to call my "head in the sand" approach! What bothers me the most about depression, is that i know that it can effect others, like my little daughter and husband. I do my best to not let anyone see, not even them, that i would sometimes just like to pull the covers over my head and raise the white flag. In those moments when i fail, and they do see my struggle, i feel like i have lost hope. Hope that i will be a good mommy and wife; hope that i can beat depression's grip. It's the worst feeling of all, thinking you have lost your hope....because if you truly do lose your hope, then what is left?

 I love watching how my daughter has hope. "Don't worry, Mommy! Let's hope that our plant will survive! Let's pray for it!" She will say this even as our little seedling plants are wilting to their death for lack of water because i have forgotten to water them in a week or so.. She is hopeful in God's promise. I honestly think that i have learned more from my little daughter than i ever would have imagined possible. I thought that i was to be HER teacher....and many times, it's the other way around.

This year, my word of the year is "HOPEFUL".

 A hopeful heart doesn't give up.

 A hopeful mind believes in change for the good.

A hopeful attitude helps in taking care of one's self.

 A hopeful aura means that you don't give up....ever.

 And so.....here is to a most "hopeful" New Year!

....and be prepared. If anything has contributed to my not being at goal, it would be how I don't practice follow thru by being prepared for my day food-wise. I don't take the time to plan; and if I do, I don't follow thru.....which then leaves me totally unprepared for my day.

 If I don't have a plan, I will continue to fail.

 If I don't follow thru, I will continue to fail.

 I am tired of failing.

 I have to sit down and plan my week's food. I have to follow my plan..... .....and in doing that, I will be prepared and make good food choices.

How come something that sounds so easy has been so hard for me to do?!?!

Grocery store today.....bagged spinach, fruits, veggies, frozen, cooked sliced chicken breast will make life easier. I dug out my most favorite water bottle yesterday; I have no idea why it is so easy to meet my water goals when I drink from this bottle, but I don't struggle with water when I have that water bottle.

 I haven't done any measurements yet. I know it is important to do, so in the morning, I will dig out my tape measure. I hate doing measurements....but it needs to be done and recorded.

Not knowing where else to turn, I am here to begin again. I am tired of being tired. I am so very tired of being tired. I have found my rock bottom and have no where to go other than up from this point. I can't go any lower. I have an amazing husband. I have a beautiful daughter. But I am existing at this weight and use it as an excuse to not play with my daughter, or dress up to go out with my husband. I am tired do existing.... And so, I begin.....again.

Run....

No, i'm not running. It's hard to imagine me right now running at 205.3 lbs. In fact, it's hard to imagine me doing anything where i don't feel like i'm moving my mass around with lots off effort. Summer does that to you, you know. No, it's something even more unimaginable. And it's all started with a book. Not just any book, mind you, but a book called Eat To Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, M.D. Keep in mind that when i bought this book, i had no idea that this book was a 'vegan' book plan. If i had, i probably never would have picked it up. Oh, it's not that i don't like veggies, it's just that i tend to eat like it seems most Americans eat: high carbs, lots of fats, lots of breads, lots of sugar and lots of junk. Going from that to eating like a vegan is like, well, wiring my mouth shut. I thought it would be impossible for me to eat the vegan way. In fact, in my more lucid moments, i'm still not sure. But i do know this, i'm scared. I know that i'm not healthy. I know that i'm borderline (if not already) diabetic. I know my blood pressure isn't anywhere near the healthy range. I feel like staying in bed most days, not moving and only getting up to potty or eat. Thank God for my daughter and husband, otherwise, i'm sure that i would be that person. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a healthy wife and mother. And i want a life where i am fully engaged and not sitting on the side lines. Am i insane for even thinking about trying Dr. Fuhrman's way? Maybe so, but something has to give Something HAS to change. I'm almost done with the book....just a few more chapters left. The thing is, this way of eating looks do-able. And i think that it will save my life.

Friday.

So much to do, and i'm afraid that i am not keeping up very well. I feel like a disorganized mess lately; what is that saying? If you fail to plan then get ready to fail? Yes, that's how i feel today. I sat down to make a list, and even THAT became a bit much to deal with. Looking at the list makes all that i need to do seem all that more overwhelming. I may need to change my blog name to "This Little Piggy Complains...." I do think, however, that i know how a hamster on a wheel feels....

Just Random....

....thoughts. I've been on a mini-vacation with my little tot to see my sister and her three children. While a fantastic time, it's a tiring time as there are four children and only 2 adults. The odds are not in our favor! The ages of the four are 12, 11, 8, and 5. Those ages are so much fun and yet, those ages are also the ages to drive mothers to drink.

I have had a headache the past few days that just won't go away. It is one of those constant kind of headaches that just won't be tamed with aspirin. I would love nothing better to sleep, alone in my comfy bed, but that's just not in the cards for this Mommy. I am willing to bed that this headache is due to my cutting down on the caffeine by not drinking so much Diet Coke. It's time to let go of that vice....it has truly gotten out of hand. Why drink diet drinks when i can drink water? I've been asking myself that the past few days and my answers are getting bitchier; i'm afraid that i also have huge (and i mean MAJOR HUGE) issues with sugar. I'm going to research some stuff, but i truly think that sugar is something that i need to pay attention to and pay attention to N.O.W.

sigh.

I often feel that i'm a huge failure at taking care of this body of mine that God has given me. I put junk into it as food and expect to feel good and lose weight. If you put junk into your body, shouldn't you expect your body to act like junk? That's not scientific stuff, yes? If i put in bad fuel, then that's what my body has to work with. I have this nagging, nagging thought that i truly need to go plant based and stay away from the red meat. I know how to eat this way. I know how much better i feel when i eat this way.

More sighing.

I came across a blogger that talks about sugar. She is reading a book called "Overcoming Sugar Addiction: How I Kicked My Sugar Habit..." by Karly Randolph Pitman. As i read what this blogger wrote about an incident with cupcakes, i could see myself. I could see me doing the exact same thing. I've ordered this book. While excited about this book, i'm nauseated. I almost don't want to know what this book has to say. Yep, that's a great way to deal with things, isn't it?

More thoughts....

We stayed at Reynolds Plantation at the Ritz Carlton and walking was part of this vacation. It is a beautiful place with lots of things/activities to do. The walking was actually relaxing and dare i say it, fun. I had no problem keeping up with the kids, but by the end of the night, i was so ready to park my tail in bed. My weight actually went down while i was there; i ate like my 118 pound sister does and it was a good learning experience. While my sister does love good food, she doesn't use it as a reward like i do. She is satisfied with sharing a meal and a dessert and will actually leave food on her plate. Apparently, the stories that my mother told us of all of the starving children in the world to get us to clean our plates only bothered me. Claudine reminds me so much of my mother....her features, her manners and the way she speaks are like catching a glimpse of my mother. Those glimpses make me miss our Mom that much more, but are comforting to see in my sister. The older we get, the more thankful i am for her...

There is a pile of laundry to do, things to catch up on, and some plans to make as this week is Spring Break for the tot. Off to do what i need to do...