One foot in front....

....of the other. It seems that i've been on this 'getting healthy' kick forever. Of course, when you start off at 249 lbs, i suppose it should feel that way. It's almost become a dance of sorts; one or three steps forward and then one or five steps back. It's hard. It's very hard. And sometimes, i really, really don't want to do this anymore. I want to be like a normal person. Someone who doesn't have to plan what they will put into their mouths on a daily basis. Someone who can just eat to live instead of planning their life around what they will eat next. The reality of it, however is this: I will always be one of "those" people who have to think about, monitor, and watch what goes into her mouth. I'll always be one of "those" people who will have to exercise and exercise hard. I'll always, always be one of "those" people.

It's not a realization that i like. But it is what it is. I wish that i had started earlier. I wish that i had never stopped taking care of me. I could blame it on a horrific first marriage that i barely came out of....i could blame it on a lot of things. But i am the one who chose to have food become my best friend and my comfort. I was the one who chose to eat food that was less than healthy. I was the one who didn't care about herself. I was the one who was on her way to eating herself to death, it seems. I was the one who made food the most important thing in my life. I was the one who didn't exercise. I was the one who sat on the couch when i should have been exercising. I was the one who did all of that stuff.

When food is your best friend, there is little room for anything else. It's a hard "person" to break up with because it (food) never goes away. It's always there, in the background, waiting to hold your hand, comfort your soul, dry your tears. It's an easy habit to go back to. It's so easy, in fact, that it scares me like nothing else. And i'm no where near winning this battle. I wish that i could figure out all of the "whys" in why i eat, and all of my triggers. I use to think that the "whys" and the "triggers" didn't matter but i am slowly (and i do mean S-L-O-W-L-Y) realizing that if i don't figure out the "whys" and the "triggers", i may never will this battle.

I put the ticker on top of my page to see daily where i am at. I know what i need to do. I even know how i'm suppose to do it. I even know why it's so important for me to do it.

I just wish sometimes that i didn't have to do it.