New Year's Eve

A hopeful smile...for a wonderful New Year.

No! Really?!?!

Just for giggle and grins, i took a "Food Addiction" Quiz. Yeah, i know, i'm just a fat fluffy ball of fun, aren't i? And guess what this "Food Addiction" Quiz revealed? Come on, now, go ahead, guess....no?

Okay, read at the bottom....

What a bloody surprise, eh?

So, for more giggles and grins, i'm going to go back to this site to "read more about overeating" because i don't already think about food enough. And then i'll search the Internet to see what else i can 'learn' about overeating. Because, i'm like that...sigh

I'm still working on my New Year's Resolutions List to see how many i can blow to pieces in one day...nothing like making progress!

Food Addiction - Quiz Results
The results indicate that there is a high level of concern that you may be overeating. It is probable that you have or are well on your way to having an overeating problem. Results indicate that your eating behavior may be at level of concern that professional evaluation with your physician or other trusted health care professional is indicated. We suggest that you read other material provided on this site and elsewhere to learn more about overeating and the help that is available.

A Santa Photo....

....umm, yeah. That's dear, sweet, stinky Pachi on Santa's lap. Santa looks completely thrilled, doesn't he? But Santa was a good Santa and my sweet Cupcake couldn't stop staring or giggling at him, so it's okay that Pachi was in the photo.

I do think, however, that we've learned our lesson and will not have our "traditional Santa and Cupcake photo done on Christmas Eve" ever, EVER, EVER again. Next year, i will be one of the FIRST ones in October November to get their child's photo done with Santa! The mall here is just too dang busy to be anywhere near it on Christmas Eve.

And now....we are getting ready for the New Year. I love New Year's Eve....so dinner needs to be planned, perhaps some more baking, and figuring out what we'll watch that night. Of course, the chance that i will actually be AWAKE for the the start of the New Year is slim, but, i have high hopes that i will be.

ah, yes....a New Year.

Dear God...

....i weighed this morning. I wanted to throw-up. I logged it on the side of this blog. And i really wasn't surprised at what the huge @ss number was. Okay, i was a little surprised...or maybe it was that i was a little horrified. As of this morning, December 29, 2009, i weighed in at 199.4 lbs. Isn't that the size of a small elephant? I am only .6 away from 200 lbs. I swore that i would NEVER, EVER, EVER be in the 200s again. At my highest weight of 249 lbs, i swore that when i lost this weight, i would never be one to move back up the ladder in weight again. That i would be different.

Ummm. Sure. I'm different, alright. No more of the holiday crap, that's for sure.

I've thought about my goals. I could make a list of them a mile long....really. But for today, for this week, i am going to drink water. I am going to drink my 'recommended' amount of 8 glasses of water. I'll add to my weekly goal list next week; perhaps if i approach it this way, i won't be so willing to chuck in the towel when i get upset/anxious/insane.

I do need to figure out a date to reach goals, i think. And i need to more my cute, fluffy self to the Y very soon. I'll be going alone, but you know, this journey, to a certain extent, is done alone, so i'll deal with it. I'll just still be "the fat girl in the back of the class" where i feel like i am part of the wall. But i promise myself, i won't be there in the back of the class forever....not this time. I will be at that TOPS meeting on Thursday come hell or high water; i may have to force myself to go, i may have to force myself to get out of my car and walk into that meeting, but i'll be there. I'll be there and i'm not going to miss ANY of those meetings. Period.

Off to feed the little one, dig out and do more laundry and work on my goal list.

I can do this, right?

I'm on the right....

....not really. I just feel like i look like that right now. You know, white (i have no tan whatsoever....) and very fat fluffy. Be that as it may, i am looking into joining TOPS.
Yes, TOPS. You know, "Take Off Pounds Sensibly"? At $26 a year, well, it's a bit more of a bargain than WW with it's "joining fee", "weekly fee" and the "pay even if you don't show" fee. This TOPS group meets on Thursday nights....and it's very close by.

I still have lots of mixed thoughts, lots of questions running through my mind. But the one thing that i don't have mixed thoughts about, or any questions about, is how much i need to do this and how i need to become successful this time. I am scared....because i now have medical reasons to do this and not just the usual "gee, i'm fat" reasons.

I'm off to read....

It needs batteries....

...the scale, that is. It seems that it also decided to take a holiday and let it's batteries run out. Or maybe it's in protest because i will be 'friends' again with it and it will have to deal with my cussing, crying and screaming as i step on it. Who knew that a stupid device with red numbers could cause such a mood shift instantly?

Now? Maybe Tomorrow?

Or maybe next year? Or the year after that? I know, let's just wait till i have really high blood pressure, till i gain even more weight, till i have achy joints, till i can't breathe after i walk up a flight of stairs, till i can't chase my daughter or maybe till i hate myself just a little bit more?

Oh, wait....that's right.

All of THOSE things have already happened.

And so, i've jazzed up my blog to get ready.

Ready for what, you ask?

Ready to try.....again.

Ready to try once again to loose weight. But this time, well, i have a plan. And i have this blog. Because a fat girl just can't talk to just anyone about being fat, right?

I'm reading books about women who are former fat girls who have lost weight. A lot of weight. And most importantly, they have kept it off...and have written books about their journey. I have been stunned at what i've read. Really. I can't believe that there are other women, other fat women, who do the SAME things that i do.

Like walk in the earliest/latest hours of the day so no one will see them exercise.

Like play the game "Am i the fattest woman here?" game.

Like eat and destroy all evidence.

I truly thought, well, that i was the only one.

I'm not....apparently, i have lots of company in the fat.

I'm scared, of course. Scared that i can't do it. Scared that i will once again, fail. Scared at what will happen to me if i don't try to lose this weight again.

Because i truly believe that i am fighting for my life if i don't get rid of this fat...

Off to read more....