Thoughts.....

Pickles, my walking buddy
It's almost 3am and i can't sleep. We ate out last night at Martin's BBQ and for me, although it was yummy, it was a huge mistake. I really can't do the eat-out thing anymore unless i am going to eat something clean. It just isn't worth it. My stomach feels like lead. This revelation is a hard one for me as i love to go out to eat. While we really have slowed down eating out, it was really a fun treat to do with my little family. I guess i really need to realize that spending time with my little crew is important, not eating out...

I am taking a diabetic class later on this morning. It's going to be an all-day affair with lots of learning the do's and the don'ts of how my life will now be. How i'll be eating, preparing meals, learning to use my nifty, new meter, and things that are important for diabetics to know. I had to stop reading on my online research; diabetes effects so many things in your body. That shouldn't really be a surprise as i know that everything in your body is suppose to work together so if one part is sick, well, other parts will follow if you don't make changes. I am actually looking forward to taking this class because i feel like i don't know enough to deal with my health right now.

One of the questions on the intake questionnaire is "How do you feel about your health?"

My answer?

Angry.

Angry because it is my fault and if i had cared more about my health, i wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't be diabetic. I wouldn't have high blood pressure. I wouldn't have high cholesterol. I wouldn't have protein in my urine (still not sure what THAT means). I wouldn't be overweight. I thought i would just ignore my health, because, really, what could happen to me? (This is otherwise known as the "Head-In-The-Sand" approach....)

I know, my reasoning is something to behold, isn't it?

After all, if i don't take care of myself, how will i be around to take care of my husband and little daughter?

Pickles and i are now walking buddies. We walk Emma to her bus stop every morning (and continue to walk once the bus leaves) and then we walk to her bus stop to pick her up every afternoon (we leave early from the house to get our walk in before the bus shows up). It has done both Pickles and i good to walk together....she really is a great dog and exercise is good for her, too. The kids at the bus stop love to pet her and Emma giggles when they line up to get on the bus and Pickles lines up with them as if she is getting on the bus, too. Twice a day, i walk Pickles. I know that i will need to incorporate more exercise than just walking Pickles, but i am proud of the fact that i have started with walking which i have always enjoyed.

I really should get a bit more sleep as it's going to be a long day....

Sample Day of Food

"If you have diabetes you should follow a special diet. Here’s a sample diabetic meal plan that is about 1,600 calories and 220 grams of carbohydrates. Remember to drink two 8-ounce glasses of water with each meal."

Breakfast
(360 calories, 52.5 grams carbohydrate)

1 slice toasted whole wheat bread with 1 teaspoon margarine
1/4 cup egg substitute or cottage cheese
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/2 cup skim milk
1/2 small banana


Lunch
(535 calories, 75 grams carbohydrate)

1 cup vegetable soup with 4-6 crackers
1 turkey sandwich (2 slices whole wheat bread, 1 ounce turkey and 1 ounce low-fat cheese, 1 teaspoon mayonnaise)
1 small apple


Dinner
(635 calories, 65 grams carbohydrate)

4 ounces broiled chicken breast with basil and oregano sprinkled on top
2/3 cup cooked brown rice
1/2 cup cooked carrots
1 small whole grain dinner roll with 1 teaspoon margarine
Tossed salad with 2 tablespoons low-fat salad dressing
4 unsweetened canned apricot halves or 1 small slice of angel food cake


Snacks
(Each has 60 calories or 15 grams carbohydrate. Pick two per day.)

16 fat-free tortilla chips with salsa
1/2 cup artificially sweetened chocolate pudding
1 ounce string cheese plus one small piece of fruit
3 cups light popcorn


-Taken from WebMD

So, this isn't good news.....

....at all. Not that this news is unexpected; in fact, it's news that i was pretty sure wasn't "new" news at all. It was just that this news wasn't 'confirmed' by my doctor. Of course, it was mainly not confirmed because i chose to hide from my doctor, cancel my appointments and pretty much keep my head in the sand while singing 'la-de-da' while sticking my fingers in my ears.

Ready for the not-so-shocking news?

I am a diabetic.

In fact, i'm just not a 'little' diabetic, i am REALLY diabetic.

You know, the Type 2 kind?

Yes, that would be me.

The medicine taking, stabbing my finger for numbers, needing to eat correctly, exercise daily, losing weight kind of diabetic that needs to change her life style like NOW kind-of-diabetic.

Yes, that is me.

Apparently, i am NOT too cute to be a diabetic.

Another shocker, yes?

While i am not shocked, i am a bit a LOT scared. I have done what most folks have done: pretend that i am a "healthy-fat" instead of a not-healthy fat. I have pretended to be happy as i am, taking my body and my health for granted. I have pretended that carrying an extra oh, say, an extra 70 pounds is okay. I have pretended to be a healthy-fat for a bit too long.

Isn't that hysterical? I actually convinced myself that i was a 'healthy-fat'!

Not so funny anymore as this pretend game of mine has finally caught up with me....what a surprise, yes?

So, along with my life-style change, a blog overhaul is needed.

Welcome to the new...

This Little Diabetic Piggy Blog
And so i begin on this most important journey....no games, no half-way, no pretending to be healthy, no sneaking foods that are not going to help me.

Being a diabetic is serious, folks.....very serious.

Being a diabetic is a game changer.

I am just sad that it took this to wake me up.

Pray for me, please....or send good vibes my way as i start to navigate my new life.

And maybe even follow along?

I'll need all of the support i can get....

Well then.....

...progress has been made.

I am now at 198.6

How sad that a good number on the scale makes me feel better about myself?

Something else to work on...the scale numbers should not determine how i feel about myself.

Perhaps it's because i drink so much water now that i could float away? And since i now make water my drink of choice, it surprises me that i have developed a thirst for water. My old favorites are too 'sweet' and don't quench my thirst. Lets totally forget that over the years, i've read at least a million times about how that happens when you drink water. I guess better late than never that i finally proved this to myself, yes?

I like that my clothes are loose.

I hate that i can never seem to get enough sleep.

A Crossfit gym has just opened up down the road from where we live.

I know, i can't see me doing it, either.....but the gentleman i spoke to on the phone when i called about it tells me that i can and to give it a try before i decide that i can't do it. He tells me that he has others my age and my weight that are making changes to their body and for me to check it out.

I hate that i think i can't do thinks because i am fat.

I hate that i let this kind of thinking rule my life.

I really need to tell the little voice that whispers thees things to me to shut the hell up and go away.

I hate that i don't love me like i love others.

I hate that i feel not worthy.

How does God love me when i feel so un-worthy of His love?

Time to drink more water....i am thirsty.

Again.

And today......

....i am at 200.00 lbs.

Again.

But it's okay because i am excited about it....and i see 199 lbs.

I am drinking a lot of water.

And it is helping to make me realize that i'm not hungry, but that i'm thirsty.

I'm going to go read some other blogs and catch up a bit.

Today, is a good day.

How sad that i let a number on a scale influence me this much?

Good number, good day.

Bad number, bad day.

Must really work on that...

Serious Stuff....

I like to pretend to be cheery.

Especially when i blog.

Truth is, i'm not cheery.

I struggle with depression.

I have for a very long time.

My lows are VERY low.

My highs are VERY high.

There isn't a lot of in-between.

I'm at the low end right now....it's hard to explain to folks. I have so much good in my life and i know this. But like a dark, looming cloud, this stuff follows me where-ever i go, not letting loose, constantly pulling tighter around my neck. I know that i would never harm myself no matter how much i want to; i could never leave my child and my husband with the devastation that suicide leaves behind.

But sometimes, sometimes i just want to drift away.

To close my eyes and never open them again.

To not feel the way i do.

To escape these types of days.

But then, i hear my daughter's giggles and hear "Mommy, come pwlay wiff me!!".....

...and i get up, and begin again.

Yeah....guess who?

My little one and i are in FL, visiting my sister.

The state of FL is otherwise known as "Swamp Land" or "Alligator Land"....

It is very hot here for this Nashville, TN girl. H.O.T. It's so hot that my little one doesn't even want to venture outside....i can't lure her with the promise of a zoo visit or a visit to the Alligator Farm. Of course, at a temp of 94 degrees and humidity half past the temperature in hell, who can possibly blame her?

The only place she wants to go is to swimming lessons....yes, my little mermaid is learning to swim. I will probably not be able to keep her out of the pool after she learns!

I haven't worn make-up in a week and a half. There is really no point in wearing make-up when it slides off your face the moment you step outside. I feel naked without make-up but i've been using a fantastic skin lotion that my sister introduced me to called NeriumAD. I'm not one to toot a horn over something amazing because, well, nevermind, but this stuff, IS AMAZING. I truly love this skin cream and trust me, like most women, i've tried just about all of them. My redness is gone and my pores have gotten smaller. Perhaps i should spread this night cream all over my body. sigh.

Being in FL has made me feel not-so-good. It is hot and i'm sure because of my weight (i am at 201.2 as of this morning), i seem to sweat more than usual. Perhaps some women do perspire; i just sweat. I can sweat sitting still. I can sweat just walking out the door here in FL. I see women in their shorts and tank tops and i turn away because i would love to wear shorts (real shorts, not knee length ones) and a tank top. I see my sister in her two piece and i literally have to leave the room. I feel horrible, like a failure.

But then, i realize that i haven't done the hard work to be healthy. I haven't done the exercise to be healthy. I haven't eaten like a healthy person....so i deserve to feel like this. I have had so many 'this is it' moments....perhaps none of them were truly 'this is it' moments. I just know that i feel like giving up and resign myself to the fact that apparently, i don't want to be healthy. I am scared of dying due to my weight. I know i have high blood pressure. I know my cholesterol is sky high. I am probably a diabetic. I am a stroke patient just waiting to happen. I am scared...so very scared. I don't want to leave my young daughter without a mother. I don't want to leave my husband without a wife. I don't want to leave my sister with no family.

Perhaps one change at a time...perhaps just one change at a time.

Surely i can do that....

This week, i have given up diet coke while in FL. It's mostly due to the fact that diet coke isn't as good as water is for quenching my thirst. It wasn't hard as while down here, well, i have managed to drink tons (almost 3 liters a day!) daily. Perhaps i start here....giving up diet coke for water and add to that with getting rid of bread or milk. As much as i like both of those, i do feel better when i don't eat them. And then, add walking. I seem to set myself up for guaranteed failure when i make a huge "starting list".

Maybe my attitude also needs to change. I

just feel helpless in this journey. It has lasted for so very long. I take 3 steps forward and then i take 2 steps back. Being overweight has stopped me from so many things.

How can i possibly teach my daughter to be fearless, love herself, be kind to herself and be active when i don't practice those very same things?

You can't teach what you don't practice...

I did install something called My Diet Coach Pro on my phone. It's a very cool app...perhaps it will help.

Spinach salad tonight for dinner....a huge one.

Off to stop thinking for a bit....