Watching my daughter...

...i wish for the time where i was as 'free' as she is. She doesn't give a second thought to how she looks as life is so much more interesting. What can she play with, where can she run, can she take her clothes off, can she sing and dance? How amazing would it be to be like this? And why can't grownups be this way?

I'm going to lunch with my husband today. Am i excited about it? No. I'm more worried that i'm in my size 16 pants today and that my hair is doing it's own thing. My daughter, however, is thrilled that we will get to see "Dada and go weat with him at da place". She could care less that she has yogurt on her face or that her hair hasn't been brushed. She's just excited because she'll get to spend time with someone she loves.

To be more like my little daughter.

That's my goal.

Out of hiding...

...because if i would have stayed hidden any longer, i would have just not ever come out. When you get use to hiding, it's hard to come out into the open. I have to admit though, i missed this blog. I wanted to blog so many times, but none of what i had to say was any where near positive or uplifting. In fact, it was pretty much filled with self-hate kinda stuff that no one needed to hear and that i really didn't need to type.

But this blog is suppose to be my "safe" place to blog and i truly need to remember that. I'm "safe" here as it's pretty much a blog that no one knows about. Don't ask me why i feel the need to write on this blog in private...i guess i don't really want anyone to "know me".

I'm still treading water...moving slowly forward, putting a toe or two into the water. I'm thankful that i've not moved backwards...

And i'll be here more often.

In hiding...

I've been in hiding.

Or maybe just in avoidance mode.

Either way, i've not been blogging here.

Not that i haven't wanted to, but even i get tired of hearing myself with the same old thoughts and brow beatings that i give myself.

But....i do have some good news.

I have stopped eating dinner.

No, not like that. I now eat dinner at 4pm and try not to snack on anything after that. It hasn't been too difficult, surprisingly enough. And the very best part was that as of yesterday morning, i was 202.0lbs.

I know. Exciting, eh?

Actually, it is. With the husband coming home so late, we were eating dinner way too late. Sometimes as late as 8pm. I can't do that anymore. I felt horrible after eating dinner and since i waited so long to eat, well, by the time it was time to eat, i could eat five dang times so much more than i needed to.

I like this "new" way of eating. I feel better in the mornings. I feel better when i go to sleep. And, i seem to sleep better.

And so, yet another notch in my 'getting healthy' plan.

Moving forward....

...and trying to not look back doesn't seem like the smart thing to do. I don't seem to have learned much looking back, though, except for one thing:

This learning to be healthy thing is a life-long journey and not something that i'll only do till i think i'm healthy.

I'm now in my 40ish years. Not liking how i look seems to have been a constant theme through my life as well as not thinking i'm "enough". You know, the "enough" as in not pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, or whatever-enough. How sad that i've wasted so much time in thinking that i'm not "enough"...

In my heart, i am enough. I'm enough for me. And that's what's important, isn't it?

My three year old daughter continues to be my role model in loving one's self. I wish that i could bottle up how much she takes delight in herself. In her toes. In her legs. In her hands. In her belly. In her tush. In her burps. In her farts. And in her giggles. My greatest wish is that she never looses that delight in herself...and i'm blessed that she has reminded me that in God's eyes, we are all made "perfect in His likeness".

This morning, i weighed in at 203.0 lbs. After two weeks of vacation, i'm actually pleased. I enjoyed myself this year at the beach. I wore my one piece bathing suit and swam in the water with my daughter. I wore shorts. My husband told me one evening how pretty i looked.

And you know what?

I did look pretty.

I am continuing to get healthy with a different attitude. That in getting healthy, i am loving me more. That i care enough about me to continue to get healthy. That i want to be healthy for my daughter. That i want to be healthy for my husband. That i want to be healthy for me.

A much better attitude, don't you think?

And some days....

...when i'm barely hanging on, this is what i hang on to.

Today, is one of those days.

Oddly, i know the good in my life. And i'm thankful for it. But some days, i find myself wanting not to hang on because it feels like it is too hard to hang on. I want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend that i don't exist, that i have evaporated into air. That i don't have to fight the fight to be strong, healthy or better. That i can just be in nothing-ness...

This type of thinking doesn't last long....usually because a small, cute toddler will want to see if i'm 'sweeeping' and make me smile. And i will sigh to myself, thankful for the health that i do have, thankful for this toddler who makes me view the world in a better light, and i will slowly, pull myself from under those covers and start the day with her.

I will also make myself remember that there are so many folks out in the world who would love to have my chubby legs to stand on, my eyes to see, my chubby belly that means i have enough to eat, my chubby arms that can hug my child and husband. I will make myself remember this all day long.

Because i am blessed, chubby-ness and all.

The List

Well, i've worked on this list periodically yesterday. It was sad that it was such an easy list to do; really, not much thinking at all. While i knew that my weight 'stopped' me from doing some things, well, i wasn't ready for all that it I stopped me from doing.

When i look back over photos taken years ago of me, i am surprised. I remember thinking that folks must hear moo'ing noises from me back then because i weighed so much. Please tell me how i thought this when i weighed 125lbs? What in the world is wrong with my wiring that i let myself actually think this? What is it that i see when i look in the mirror? Do i even "see" me? Why can't i just freakin' love myself, all of me, warts, bumps, rolls and all? Is loving yourself a decision that you make? Because for me, well, it doesn't come naturally.

And so....here is "the" list of things that i have not done due to how i look:

1. Running with others because of how i look
2. Dating certain men...you know the ones.
3. Wearing dresses or skirts
4. Wearing color in my clothes (other than brown, black, grey....)
5. Swimming with others
6. Going to the gym (unbelieveable, eh?)
7. Meeting new people
8. Talking in class or at meetings (after all, who wants to listen to the fat girl?)
9. Taking a yoga and pilates class
10. Not having photos taken of myself. Ever. Ever.
11. Not eating in front of others (much better to eat in secret....sigh)
12. Not going for a job interview that i was highly recommended for
13. Always wearing sleeves
14. Not going hiking, even though i have a passion for being outdoors
15. Not going to WW meetings because i didn't loose
16. Not getting family photos done because of how "i" look
17. Not taking on leadership roles
18. Not traveling unless i have to...and i love to travel
19. Not walking in my own neighborhood during the day. (I walk at 6am or after dark)
20. Not going to doctor appointments because of the scale.

What a list.

So, here is my new plan.

I am going to love myself.

All of me.

Every single bit of me.

Amazing that at the 40-ish age i am that i haven't learned how to do this yet.

I am going to be like my little three year old daughter. She loves her toes. She loves her hands. She loves her feet. She loves her legs. She loves her "cwute butt". She loves her nose. She loves her eyes and lips. She pats her belly in complete delight.

I am going to follow her lead and love me.

Stunning what you can learn from a three year old.

Of course, i'm not sure how to go about this...maybe i'll do that goofy, "I-love-me" to myself 100 times a day as a mantra.

sigh................

Another one....

...of those kinda days where it's tough to get moving. I would love, love, love to crawl back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and just stay there for a bit. But with a toddler, that's not going to happen unless i want my tot to stick her fingers in my nose to see if "Mama sweeping?!?".

It's nearly noon. Breakfast is long gone, dishes are cleaned up, beds are made, dinner is in the crock pot, laundry load has been started, another load folded, the kitchen is cleaned up, one bathroom is cleaned and my little tot is hopefully not eating entertaining herself with play-doh.

Lunch is next.

And all i can think about right this second is eating pizza. Not one slice. Maybe three slices. From my favorite pizza place. A large cheese pizza....

Forgive me....most folks have fantasies of sex. I have fantasies of food. The Food Network is my porn site, sigh...

I won't have the pizza. I'll have what i have planned. And i'll continue to crave the pizza, but i'll eat what i have planned.

Sometimes, during moments HOURS of this kind of cravings, the only thing i can do, is pray. I know it might sound odd...but that's what i do. I don't understand sometimes why i WANT things like pizza. Or chocolate cake. I'm not hungry. I know i'm not hungry. Maybe i want to eat this stuff to stop 'feeling' whatever i'm feeling.

What i do know, is that it is tiring. I think of food constantly. What i'll have for breakfast. What i'll do for a snack. What i'll have for lunch, dinner, tomorrow's dinner, next weekend's breakfast. If i spent this much brain power on other things, well, no telling how much brain i would have.

I'm tired of thinking of food. Surely normal (whatever "normal" is....) weight people don't think of food all of the time. I'd ask a normal weighed person, but really, i'm too embarrassed to even ask, and i don't know that i want to hear the answer because then i'll know for sure that i'm really as weird as i think i am.

That knowledge may be too much for today.

We are leaving for the beach next week. I would rather be beaten with 100 mosquito bites than take my body to the beach in a bathing suit...but i refuse to miss being on the beach with my daughter. This morning, i was 199 lbs...which was a pleasant surprise as i've been spending my time in the 200+ range.

And that's something i'm tired of, too.

I'm tired of my weight stopping me from things.

My gosh, when i think of the things that my weight has stopped me from doing, i get even more sick of myself.

I should make a list of those things and maybe it will be something that inspires me to keep working on being a healthier person.

Yes, i'll do that today and post it later.

What do i have to loose by not making that list?

Nothing.