Why not to....

....make a blueberry cobbler:

~Although, yes, blueberries ARE good for you, eating a entire blueberry cobbler is not.

~You will not take a small "bite" and leave the rest alone.

~You will add more sugar for cobbler than the recipe calls for.

~You will eat bite, after bite, after bite, until the entire cobbler is gone.

~You will get sick in the middle of the night because you ate a entire blueberry cobbler.

oh, yes, i did.

I ate 97% of a blueberry cobbler last night. The only reason that i didn't eat the entire 100% is that i had to bring my husband a cup of it. Otherwise, it would have been mine.

So, then, lets add 'blueberry cobbler' to the "red list" of foods below.

sigh.

I suck.

Reading.....

...yet another book to try and understand why i am the way i am.

As if the answer can be found in a book?

At this point, i'll look anywhere...even in a book.

The book i'm reading now is called "Hungry" by Allen Zadoff. He hit 350 pounds at 28 years old and started the next many years doing the dieting dance. He's funny...and does have some insight. But, his insights are sometimes scary.

I'm on the "Red, Yellow, Green" chapter. I'm suppose to make a list of my "Red" foods, which are foods i can't handle. Basically that means that i am to list any foods that i can't stop eating once i start.

"Red Foods":
~Anything chocolate
~Cake/Cupcakes, Muffins
~Candy
~Doughnuts
~Toasted Sourdough bread with butter
~Sodas
~Oreos
~Cereal (especially sugary ones....)
~Bagels (toasted with Cream Cheese...)

Behaviors i can't handle are next. These are the behaviors that cause me to make bad choices, overeat, etc.

"Red Behaviors":
~being anxious?
~getting nervous or stressed?

"Yellow Foods":
~Ice Cream
~Sandwiches like Grilled Cheese
~Potato chips/chips in general
~Steak

"Green Foods":
~Spinach
~Veggies (all...)
~Chicken
~Fruit

Great, here's the bad part of this "Traffic Light" scenario.

"Think of this list like your own personal food traffic light. Green foods are always "go". Yellow foods mean "caution". And red foods and behaviors stop you dead in your tracks."

And it gets worse...

"Ignore the traffic signals and you risk accident and injury. You speed up when you see a yellow. If it's late at night and nobody is looking, especially a police officer, you may just run the red light or drive up on the sidewalk."

sigh...yeah, i would run a red light for a doughnut or two. And i would probably drive on the sidewalk if i was anxious enough.

If you're a 'food junkie', you must abstain from your red light foods and behaviors.

And guess what, folks?

I'm pretty dang sure that i'm a food junkie like this guy.

Doesn't it suck that my favorite foods are on the red list and my not-so-favorite foods are on the green list?

I still have some way to go on this book....but i do see it. I get anxious, i grab a red light food....and there i go, eating my weight in whatever poison i have in my grubby little hand.

So.....if i take away being anxious, being a nervous ball of fluff, take away the red light foods....

....maybe i have a chance at being normal. Whatever that is.

It is an interesting concept, though and one that i've never considered.

Off to read more...

Still struggling...

...and i am truly bothered by it. It's not like it takes a genius or a rocket scientist to know what it takes to be healthy. It's not like i don't know. And yet, i "pretend" that i'm going to do this. I "pretend" that i have what it takes to do this. I "pretend" that THIS time, i'm serious. I "pretend" that i'm ready, that i'm strong enough to do this.

I rush up to the starting line to put my toes on it...and BANG!

I go no where very fast.

Do i have to hit dirt bottom to realize that this is truly serious? Do i have to have a freakin' heart attack to get it? Do i have to have diabetes to understand just how important it is that i take care of me and loose the rest of this weight? Do i have to continue to huff and puff up my stairs to understand the seriousness of the fact that very soon, i'll be FAT MOMMY and not CHUBBY MOMMY?

Apparently so.

Because apparently, i don't get it.

It's insane odd that i don't "think" that i'm overweight, isn't it? I look at myself in the mirror, and don't see an overweight me. What in the world am i looking at?!?! I love how i'll occasionally be somewhere and see this cute, fat woman and think to myself, "Dang, she'd be really beautiful if she lost that weight!" and then realize, in horror, that it is MY reflection that i'm looking at.

I just think it's insane that i have clothes that go from size 12 to size 16 in my closet. Really, i do. At this rate, i might as well start buying clothes that are even bigger. And this is really hysterical: I refuse to buy size 18 clothes. I guess that i'll be running around naked if i hit a size 18.

I actually watch "The Biggest Looser" and eat a snack while i'm watching.

I am insane.

sigh.

What is it going to take for me to get off my butt? I know how i feel when i'm doing the things that make me healthy. I know how i feel when i'm doing the things that don't make me healthy. There is a lot of difference in those two feelings. And yet, even that's not enough for me. It's almost like i need a diet babysitter to keep me on track.

And maybe, what scares me the most, is if i do get healthy, if i do the hard work, in the end, will i fail and end up where i first began? Is that worse than never getting there? Failing? At least this way, geeze, i've already failed by not even trying.

I want to scream at myself: "Stop THINKING about doing this, and JUST DO IT!"

Because just thinking, well, does nothing.

I want to go to the Pilate's class tomorrow morning, but as usual, i'm worried that i'll be the only overweight one there. Like that should be my biggest concern, right? I should be concerned that i'll die in the middle of the class because i can't get through it.

I have an amazing treadmill here at home that is gathering dust. No one will see overweight me if i got on it.

Enough complaining.

Enough.

I'm tired of listening to me already.

Maybe i'll pick just one healthy thing to do a week. Like for the rest of the week, i'll commit to going to the classes i've picked out. Surely that i can do just ONE thing, right?

Okay, that's what i'm going to try.

Anger....

The thing about writing when no one really knows who you are is that you can be totally honest without worrying about hurting yourself. You can say what your heart feels and not worry that someone will say something along the lines of 'You don't realllly feel that way, do you?' and have to come up with an intelligent answer.

The Chubby Mommy is a good name for me. Of course, i did play with other names like "The REALLY Chubby Mommy" and "The Chubby Mommy with the Pretty Face" for my secret blog. And then, of course, there were the "The Growing Chubby Mommy Blogs" and "The Chubby Mommy Eats Again"....

Back to "Anger"....

I have anger 'issues'. And it's not pretty. I've always thought that my being angry was my best kept secret next to my being chubby but it's not really a secret. I hate my anger. It's a non-forgiving type of anger that stretches way back to my much younger years. I know the roots of where my anger started. And i know why the anger runs so hot. Instead of fading, this anger has gotten worse. This anger of mine has grown and has spilled over into other areas of my life. I'm embarrassed by it, and i'm ashamed of it.

Instead of realizing that i need to do something about this anger of mine, i keep feeding it. What started out as anger towards my father for how he treated my mother has turned into heart wrenching mess. My father has issues; he has always had issues. Hurtful, ugly issues. And his issues continue to this day.

What is interesting about my anger is that my husband tells me that the only place that my anger doesn't spill over to is with my daughter. There, he says, he sees
a gentleness and a sweetness that he wishes i would share with others.

I don't do forgiveness well. Okay, i suck at forgiveness.

How would it be if God was like that in the forgiveness area?

What if he was not forgiving?

I'm reading a book now about "Women and their Anger Issues".

I'm only as far as Chapter 2.

It's hard to read, because i see myself. And it's not in a pretty light.

And of course, it leads me back to being fat chubby....do i eat to sooth my anger? Or is food my constant source of comfort no matter what the emotion may be? Are my issues with food due to my anger?

Either way, both my anger and food issues need to be dealt with. Both have had enough time in my life, i think. Those issues have been a part of me for so long, i wonder what i would be like without them?

I suppose it's time to pull up the big-girl panties and start figuring things out...i am uncomfortable looking at me on the inside and the outside. Self love isn't one of those things that i'm blessed with. In fact, it's kinda hard to find for me.

How can i teach my daughter healthy traits if i don't learn them for myself first?

Begin Again...

Well, i've mapped out my classes for this week.

Monday: Basic Zumba 11:15am-12:00pm
Tuesday: Flow Yoga 9:30am-10:30am OR Basic Step 7:30pm-8pm
Wednesday: Zumba 9:15am-10am
Thursday: Mat Pilates 9:30am-10:30am
Friday: Beginner Running Class 8:15am- 9:15am
Saturday: Zumba 10:15am-11:15am

My size 16 shorts are VERY snug.

I'm sick. I'm sad. I'm disgusted.

But what did i expect? Really? I stopped exercising. I eat crap. I rarely drink water. I drink diet soda. I eat stuff i know to stay away from.

If i don't get off my rear, i can expect those size 16 shorts not to fit very soon.

I can't let that happen.....

Sadness

Sometimes my sadness gets the best of me. Maybe despair is a better word than sadness. It's a feeling that i will never change, that i will always be this way, that i am not worth trying to change. That i'm not the wife that i should be, that i'm not the mother that i want to be, that i'm not the woman that i want to be and never will be.

This feels like giving up. Like not bothering. Like not trying.

To feel like you are not worth bothering with is a sadness and desperation like no other.

The list of things that are "wrong" with me is endless: i'm fat, i'm ugly, i'm lazy, i can't loose weight, i'm a poor role model for my daughter, i'm not a good enough wife, i'm not a fantastic cook, i snore, i don't keep house well enough, and did i mention that i'm fat?

Yes, it's been that kind of day for me. Actually, it's been that kind of week for me. It gets harder and harder sometimes to care. I do the things that i'm suppose to do and to everyone else, i suppose i look like and feel like the happy wife and mother.

On the inside?

Not so much.

If i could hide under a rock, stay under the covers and not come out, i would. It's a fight sometimes, it truly is. It's almost as though things are too hard to deal with.

The most amazing part of this is that i have a wonderful daughter, a sweet and caring husband, a home and all of the things that one thinks they need to be happy.

So why isn't it working?

Taking Care....

....of yourself when you're a Mommy is tough work. Between cooking, errands, grocery store, laundry, well, you get so busy making sure that everyone has everything they need for lunches, school, and their day that you sometimes forget to take care of you.

Read this:

"Just as the safest car seats, air bags, and seat belts in the world won't help if i am not a cautious driver, it won't matter how care i try to take good care of my kids if i fail to take good care of myself first. Regardless of how much i have on my plate, i can always handle things with a little more strength, grace and gratitude when i feel physically fit."

~Kristin Armstrong

She's right. But sometimes it feels selfish to put yourself first. Maybe that's a mother's issue; by golly, we gotta be ready if a child needs us! Isn't that what mothers do?

Of course, this can just be used as another excuse as to why i feel like i can't get in shape. A good excuse, mind you, but an excuse nevertheless....