It's Monday...

....and the start to another week. I feel a bit better and not so much into my funk as i did. I am grateful for that; i know that i tend to rub off on my little family when i'm like that. If i am in a mood, i cast a large shadow around me, engulfing everything in my path.

I'm doing my Body By Vi shakes....honestly, i have to admit that i love those shakes. Those shakes are a no-brainer for me and so easy to fix. I can fix whatever flavor i want and there are so many recipes that others have shared. The fact that i can pour it into a large cup and run out the door with it if i'm running late is a HUGE plus, too. I need as little 'let me think about this' as i can get most days and these shakes, well, they fill that need. I eat dinner with the family and i'm good. So, lets see how my progress goes, yes?

Beautiful spring-like day today. I love this kind of weather. It truly puts me in a better frame of mind to be outside and be active. I can feel my skin drink up the sun as i am in it. It's a good feeling and a great re-charger.

Off to enjoy my day...

Here's an idea....

...that just might work! So i'm off to find some great lipstick, fantastic jewelry and some amazing shoes!

Never enough?

It is another one of those days where I wish I could crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and just stay there, hidden from the world.

I have so much to do and yet no will or motivation to do any of it. It is almost as if I don't care. How can that be? How and why do I get like this? I don't care if I eat or not, I don't care if I grab a shower or not, I don't seem to care that I have so much that I need to get done.

I do know this: I am tired of thinking about food, about planning menus, about my weight, about my stomach, my heart and the scale. I feel like I am just never enough...never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough or organized enough.

I feel like I am never enough.

Maybe this mood has come about from the 15-week class I am taking called Power to Choose. I am only in my third week and yet while I can feel God stirring in my heart, I feel like I am stuck in a pit of hopelessness. There are 12-Steps to this program, and I swear, the steps are getting harder instead of becoming easier!

A nap.

Yes, I think I would like a nap.

If you are inclined to do the praying thing, please pray for peace of mind for me....many thanks.

An update....

....of sorts just to keep myself moving along. You know, as opposed to standing still and not moving at all, which seems to happen a lot of the time around here. Of course, i don't know if i stand still or move in circles; either way, i seem to end up in the same spot!

Things are okay. Not good, not great, but okay.

I still have hope, i think, that i can do this healthy thing. Really, though, it shouldn't be that hard to do the healthy thing because i know that it's the right thing to do, not only for me, but for everyone around me. I sometimes wonder if it's not more for them than for me...

In late December, we got a puppy. Pickles is a Shiffon and is cute as a button. She is now my walking partner. Every day after i drop off Emma at school, i come back and grab Pickles and her leash and we walk. It's the best thing ever...and she and i both feel great afterwards. I truly should have begged my husband for a dog much sooner!

More later....more later.

So, this is what....

....i've decided to do now.

No, i'm not going to eat grass.

I'm going to do my 'own' program.

Yeah.

Brillant, eh?

My 'own' program is going to consist of combining ww with The ViSalus Sciences® Body by Vi™.

Yes, yes, it's a 'shake' program. I don't sell it, no one pays me to say this, but dang it, those shakes are fantastic and keep me full. I think that what i like most about combining these two programs is that it makes it 'stupid-simple' for me. Two shakes a day, two snacks a day and a healthy meal at dinner. No thinking required of me to plan; i can have whatever flavor of shake i want twice a day and plan my dinner (or lunch).

I need 'stupid-simple'.

This way, perhaps, i can stop thinking about food. I constantly think about food. What i want to eat, what i shouldn't eat, what i can maybe eat....all day long. I know that i can't banish food from my life. But i have to find a way to minimize how i think, act, feel towards it.

I'm not a dog.

Food isn't a reward.

It's fuel to keep my body healthy.

I recently lost my 'motivation notebook'. It's nothing fancy, just an oversize journal that i picked up at Wally World. It's got motivational photos, inspirational quotes, ideas, recipes, thoughts, doodles and stuff taped in it....it looks like a scrapbook that threw up on it's self when you open it. I was upset that i lost it as i use it quite a bit. Yesterday evening, i got a call from someone who found my notebook and wanted to return it to me, but with an odd request. She wanted to know if it was okay if she copied some of the stuff i had written and taped in my notebook. Are you kidding? Of course she could! I got my notebook back this morning and i couldn't say thank you enough. I also ran by Wally World to pick up a notebook like mine for my new friend so she could start her own notebook. I am so glad that i put my name and number in my notebook, even though i felt goofy when i did it.

I'm starting a clean slate with this 'program' of mine, so i'll start keeping track weekly on how things are progressing. I am also thinking about getting some photos of myself taken. I truly hate the idea, but i need to see and have a starting documented starting photo no matter how i desperately hate the idea. My friend Donna had this done, and i think it's a fantastic idea no matter how much i hate the idea. :)

Off to do my day....starting with a walk with Pickles.

Power to Choose

I have just started taking a class called "Power to Choose". Tonight, in fact, is our second class. We'll meet once a week for 15 weeks because to meet any more than once a week would be complete torture to discuss the chapter we are covering. The book is based on the 12 Steps from Alcoholic Anonymous, which deals with how to overcome your addictions.

What addictions do i have, you ask?

Really? You need to ask?

Food. Sugar. Sweets.

I have only completed the questions for the First Step.

I can see that this book and i are not going to be the best of friends at times already. The hard questions it tends to ask, the no-fluff attitude and reasoning can hit you right between the eyes and make you see, finally, why you are the way you are with certain things (read: why i eat like i am afraid that there will be a shortage of food and my fat @ss will starve) and why the actions that you've taken up till now have not worked completely failed.

Yeah.

It's that kinda book.

Hooray.

My group is also a very small group: there are only six of us, including the instructor and her assistant. No way to hide in this group, which is what i like to try. It is interesting how while all of the women in my group are physically different, we have all come to a place in our lives which is unmanageable. We are at our ends at trying to figure out how to fix the things that "drive our bus". I am in good company in this group as we are all struggling, it seems. I am comfortable in this group of women so far, but i'm not one to share easily so this will push me to open up and be honest.

I don't know if sharing here is a good idea or not; i have a notebook that was suggested that we use to scribble our thoughts, answer to questions and that kind of stuff that i've been using. I am surprised at how much i've written (we are to journal nightly) as i didn't think i would have that much to write.

One thing is for sure...this is just another part of the journey.

Another New Year...

...is almost here. Another year has passed in which i have stayed the same. That means 365 days have gone by with me promising myself that i would change; and 365 days of that not happening.

Impressive, yes?

Not so much. In fact, not impressive at all. It is sad however, very sad. It also means that i have failed again. It is even sadder that i am not really surprised that i have failed at this. And i wonder, what exactly it will take for me to be successful. A heart attack? A stroke, perhaps? To get even more unhealthier? To gain even more weight and reach a size 18? Because all of these things are a possibility in my life if i don't stop this insanity of pretending to get healthy.

I sometimes think to myself "Shit or get off the pot, for heavens sake!". I don't think that you can do healthy part of the way....either you do it or you don't. Is that the problem? Honestly, i don't know. I truly don't know. Maybe i have a sick death wish...i do know that i am so very tired of being sick and tired. I am also running out of time, i think, to make these changes. I am 45 years old, you know. It is almost a 'now or never' situation, although i guess 'better late than never' could also apply, too.

And so, here i am again, at almost the start of another year, promising that i will do better, that i will do my best to change my ways.

Lots to think about...