An update....

....of sorts just to keep myself moving along. You know, as opposed to standing still and not moving at all, which seems to happen a lot of the time around here. Of course, i don't know if i stand still or move in circles; either way, i seem to end up in the same spot!

Things are okay. Not good, not great, but okay.

I still have hope, i think, that i can do this healthy thing. Really, though, it shouldn't be that hard to do the healthy thing because i know that it's the right thing to do, not only for me, but for everyone around me. I sometimes wonder if it's not more for them than for me...

In late December, we got a puppy. Pickles is a Shiffon and is cute as a button. She is now my walking partner. Every day after i drop off Emma at school, i come back and grab Pickles and her leash and we walk. It's the best thing ever...and she and i both feel great afterwards. I truly should have begged my husband for a dog much sooner!

More later....more later.

So, this is what....

....i've decided to do now.

No, i'm not going to eat grass.

I'm going to do my 'own' program.

Yeah.

Brillant, eh?

My 'own' program is going to consist of combining ww with The ViSalus Sciences® Body by Vi™.

Yes, yes, it's a 'shake' program. I don't sell it, no one pays me to say this, but dang it, those shakes are fantastic and keep me full. I think that what i like most about combining these two programs is that it makes it 'stupid-simple' for me. Two shakes a day, two snacks a day and a healthy meal at dinner. No thinking required of me to plan; i can have whatever flavor of shake i want twice a day and plan my dinner (or lunch).

I need 'stupid-simple'.

This way, perhaps, i can stop thinking about food. I constantly think about food. What i want to eat, what i shouldn't eat, what i can maybe eat....all day long. I know that i can't banish food from my life. But i have to find a way to minimize how i think, act, feel towards it.

I'm not a dog.

Food isn't a reward.

It's fuel to keep my body healthy.

I recently lost my 'motivation notebook'. It's nothing fancy, just an oversize journal that i picked up at Wally World. It's got motivational photos, inspirational quotes, ideas, recipes, thoughts, doodles and stuff taped in it....it looks like a scrapbook that threw up on it's self when you open it. I was upset that i lost it as i use it quite a bit. Yesterday evening, i got a call from someone who found my notebook and wanted to return it to me, but with an odd request. She wanted to know if it was okay if she copied some of the stuff i had written and taped in my notebook. Are you kidding? Of course she could! I got my notebook back this morning and i couldn't say thank you enough. I also ran by Wally World to pick up a notebook like mine for my new friend so she could start her own notebook. I am so glad that i put my name and number in my notebook, even though i felt goofy when i did it.

I'm starting a clean slate with this 'program' of mine, so i'll start keeping track weekly on how things are progressing. I am also thinking about getting some photos of myself taken. I truly hate the idea, but i need to see and have a starting documented starting photo no matter how i desperately hate the idea. My friend Donna had this done, and i think it's a fantastic idea no matter how much i hate the idea. :)

Off to do my day....starting with a walk with Pickles.

Power to Choose

I have just started taking a class called "Power to Choose". Tonight, in fact, is our second class. We'll meet once a week for 15 weeks because to meet any more than once a week would be complete torture to discuss the chapter we are covering. The book is based on the 12 Steps from Alcoholic Anonymous, which deals with how to overcome your addictions.

What addictions do i have, you ask?

Really? You need to ask?

Food. Sugar. Sweets.

I have only completed the questions for the First Step.

I can see that this book and i are not going to be the best of friends at times already. The hard questions it tends to ask, the no-fluff attitude and reasoning can hit you right between the eyes and make you see, finally, why you are the way you are with certain things (read: why i eat like i am afraid that there will be a shortage of food and my fat @ss will starve) and why the actions that you've taken up till now have not worked completely failed.

Yeah.

It's that kinda book.

Hooray.

My group is also a very small group: there are only six of us, including the instructor and her assistant. No way to hide in this group, which is what i like to try. It is interesting how while all of the women in my group are physically different, we have all come to a place in our lives which is unmanageable. We are at our ends at trying to figure out how to fix the things that "drive our bus". I am in good company in this group as we are all struggling, it seems. I am comfortable in this group of women so far, but i'm not one to share easily so this will push me to open up and be honest.

I don't know if sharing here is a good idea or not; i have a notebook that was suggested that we use to scribble our thoughts, answer to questions and that kind of stuff that i've been using. I am surprised at how much i've written (we are to journal nightly) as i didn't think i would have that much to write.

One thing is for sure...this is just another part of the journey.

Another New Year...

...is almost here. Another year has passed in which i have stayed the same. That means 365 days have gone by with me promising myself that i would change; and 365 days of that not happening.

Impressive, yes?

Not so much. In fact, not impressive at all. It is sad however, very sad. It also means that i have failed again. It is even sadder that i am not really surprised that i have failed at this. And i wonder, what exactly it will take for me to be successful. A heart attack? A stroke, perhaps? To get even more unhealthier? To gain even more weight and reach a size 18? Because all of these things are a possibility in my life if i don't stop this insanity of pretending to get healthy.

I sometimes think to myself "Shit or get off the pot, for heavens sake!". I don't think that you can do healthy part of the way....either you do it or you don't. Is that the problem? Honestly, i don't know. I truly don't know. Maybe i have a sick death wish...i do know that i am so very tired of being sick and tired. I am also running out of time, i think, to make these changes. I am 45 years old, you know. It is almost a 'now or never' situation, although i guess 'better late than never' could also apply, too.

And so, here i am again, at almost the start of another year, promising that i will do better, that i will do my best to change my ways.

Lots to think about...

The view...

...here is amazing.

Even if one is chubby, it is still a beautiful view.

Something to look.....

...forward to! We are headed to the beach at the end of the month again for a week. I am so excited that i can't stand it. I love the beach. I love how i feel when i'm there, listening to the ocean and feeling the sand on my toes. It's been a difficult few weeks for me and i'm ready for the beach.

I recently started a class at the church with Restore Ministries. It has been the hardest class i've ever taken. The class is with about 8/10 other women, who i am shocked to say this, are a lot like me. I thought that i was the only person who felt the way i did about myself and to find out that i have a lot of company, while comforting, is bothersome. There are 4 professional women in the class, 3 Mommies and a mixture of the others. The class is called "Journey to Freedom", which is the title of the book we are using by Scott Reall. The book is utterly fantastic, horrifying, amazing, and scary to read. Basically, it's a book about how to start a lifetime of Hope, Health and Happiness.

I was shocked to discover that i have pretty much lost all hope in changing.

I wasn't surprised that i don't totally depend on God. I, it seems, like to invite God into my life where it suits me and where i think He needs to be.

Shocked to learn that fear holds me back.

Shocked to learn that i don't feel that i a worth fixing.

I think that there are two classes left. I am now working on my "action" plan for change.

I know.

I know.

But i have a little sliver of hope that i am learning the tools that i need to do this. I have learned that this is about "training" and not "trying". Training versus trying is the key to success.

Of course, i'm going to be working on my weight.

There are other things that will be worked on at the same time. Apparently the key is the process of lasting change is to balance the spirit, mind and body. These three things need to be brought together in a type of harmony.

The other thing i learned?

That i can't do this alone.

"All through the Bible, God directly speaks to us about fear. Over and over He reminds us, "Be of great courage, do not be afraid!" Even when i am walking through the valley of the shadow of death, He tells me not to be afraid because He IS WITH ME. The psalmist say in the Bible "I am about to fall, but Lord, your love kept me safe." God is FOR us and NOT against us.

And so, a journey is spirit is in order, too...

Much, much more later...

Time flies.....

....when you don't do anything, doesn't it?

It's now September 27th, late in the evening. My last post was August 9th.

Nothing has changed since August the 9th.

Instead of doing something, ANYTHING, i've done nothing. Nothing to change me for the better. Nothing to move me one step forward. Nothing to make me take action. I have done nothing but well, think. And all that has done is truly made my head hurt.

Try this way of eating...no, try that way of eating. Oh, try this way of walking. Nah, don't try that; do this instead. I know, lets read a BOOK on how to eat like a caveman/cavewoman. Because, you know, we are still in caveman times. Eat meat. Eat veggies. Eat beans. No, take that back: NO meat and NO beans. No sugar of any kind. What? Fruit sugar? Okay, just a little. I have an idea! Let's go vegan!! Nah, that's insane, i can't be a vegan. Can i maybe be a semi-vegan? Is there such a thing? I'll goggle it. Maybe i should go back to Weight Watchers. I did well there. But is that going to work again? Will a bear crap in the woods?

And on, and on and....on.

While all of this back and forth is going on, i do nothing.

I am full of progress, aren't i?

I am full of something, but it's not progress.

Meanwhile, my 12/14's pants are so snug that i can barely stand it. One would figure that would spring my chubby butt into some kind of action. But no, it hasn't. I just continue to talk to myself:

"You are such a fat @ss!"

"You will always be this way, you know...."

"You will never, ever change, will you?!?"

"How can you teach your daughter to eat well and be healthy if you eat like a pig?"

Yeah.

I'm not the nicest person to myself. I don't even think i know how to be nice to myself.

I'm sad. I'm discouraged. I'm disappointed. I'm, oh, i don't know what i am.

I am off to read and lose myself in a book....