Hoppin' On

Today is the day before my first weigh in. I go between feeling calm to a full panic attack with my heart beating out of my chest. All of this due to a stupid, stupid scale. I'm acting like the way of the world will forever be destroyed if i don't loose what i think i should. You would figure that by the time a woman gets into your 40's, you're done with all of this kind of insane drama.

Apparently not.

I know that i've followed the program. I've logged everything i've eaten. I've not gone over my points. I've been freakin' positive, for heaven's sake. But the one thing that i haven't done this week?

I haven't gotten on the scale.

You're stunned, aren't you?

Yeah, me too.

Tomorrow morning, though, before i take Emma to school and head to the WW Center, i'll hop on my scale. Totally naked (really, do us both a favor and don't try to envision that...), no jewelry (because, it might weigh all 1/2 an ounce, you know), before breakfast and after i pee (another whole 1/2 ounce of weight), i'll hop on the scale and weigh.

I want to lose 5 pounds this week. I know, i know, stop shaking your head. Who loses five pounds in a week besides Melinda for heaven's sake? It's not like i'm on the dang Biggest Loser. But i have the number 5 on the brain for some stupid reason.

Why can't i let the number go and let the program just do it's thing? I truly almost don't want to know the number. Kinda. Okay, that's stupid; i do want to know the number. Who am i trying to kid?

sigh.

Hoppin' off to bed...tomorrow is a huge day for me.

Day 4 & Day 5....

...fell on the weekend. I have to admit, there was a time or two that i wanted to chuck this WW thing and just eat. But i know why...because the food was there.

Saturday went well...and as planned.

Superbowl Sunday, went okay and somewhat as planned.

Not planned breakfast was 1 pancake (3 points), 2 slices of bacon (4 points) and Maple Syrup (1 point per tbs). I also had two wings that afternoon while watching the game which were 6 points for the two.

Honestly, it could have turned into a disaster, but didn't. I usually inhale bacon and pancakes. I ate s-l-o-w-l-y. I savored every single bite. And drank lots of water.

I keep telling myself that it takes time to change, to train my brain....to have some patience.

Lord knows i'll probably need it! :)

Cherry Squares

Cherry Pie Squares

1 package of angel food cake mix
22 oz light cherry or blueberry pie filling

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Combine cake mix with the blueberry filling (do not add any other ingredients!). Pour batter into ungreased (i did lightly spray with PAM) 9x13 in baking dish and bake for 30 minutes. Cool and cut into 24 pieces. Makes 24 servings for 2 points a piece.

Perfect for a Valentine's Day treat!

Day 3

Day Three has truly been a good day, too. If i sound shocked, well, it's because i kinda am. I expected this to be even harder this time and i expected to already have given up.

Yes, on Day Three.

But i haven't.

And dang it, i refuse to. I refuse to give up this time.

I am worried about when my husband makes it home from a TX work trip this weekend. It's also the Superbowl...which is a time of great snacking on things that just really aren't the best things to snack on if you tend to eat 10 of something instead of just say, oh, one. I don't want to blow this amazing start on a stupid football game.

Food for today went like this:

Breakfast: Yogurt with strawberries, bananas and blueberries

Lunch: Boca Burger, slice of wheat bread, wedge of Laughing Cow cheese, and pickles

Snack: Grapes, Crackers and wedge of Laughing Cow Cheese

Dinner: Boca Burger, slice of wheat bread, wedge of Laughing Cow cheese and pickles

Snack: Hunt's FF Chocolate Pudding with FF Cool Whip, Pretzels

I wonder what it's like to be a person who doesn't have to plan out each and every meal?

Day 2

I think that i am going to be all right.

Day Two was another good day. I ate well....quick breakfast, amazing chicken breast sandwich for lunch, great snack, a Smart Ones Turkey and Potatoes for dinner, and finally, my favorite pudding snack. Twenty-nine points. In range.

And i'm proud of myself.

I know, it's only Day 2, but i have a new recipe from Melinda to try. I have plans for a soup recipe that i found. Both of these fit into Weight Watchers. Both of them! And there's more recipes out there to try...

I'm beginning to think that it really is changing how i feel about food and what i pick. When i log all of my food, i realize just how much i was eating. After looking through the Dinning Out Companion, i realize just how many points i was eating. And it's no big surprise, then, how i ended up over 200lbs.

No surprise at all.

I think that i'm ready to break up with the foods that i thought i "loved" and find new foods that i will love, too. I think that i can make this into an amazing journey for myself. One day at a time, one meal at a time, i can do this.

I can.

Day 1

I've decided to blog my way through this, this new part of my life. Mostly to figure out what works, what doesn't, what i like, what i love and what i can't stand. I want a record of this; a record of my thoughts, my worries, my joys and not-so joyous moments. Blogging is a safe place for me; this blog, so far, is a secret from friends and/or family. I don't want to be guarded in what i write and if i'm honest, i'm embarrassed about my love affair with food.

Day One has gone remarkably well. I'm calm, i'm well-prepared because, crap, i've done Weight Watchers how many times now?, and the strangest part is that i feel at peace. I'm not sure why i feel this way as i didn't the previous times. I was anxious, worried, scared that i would make a mistake. Maybe now i realize that a mistakes are part of this and are okay and that weight truly doesn't fall off by alone without help. I've stayed on plan and reached my point number. I found a few new favorites today, like crackers and Laughing Cow Cheese and grapes as a snack, Hunts No-Fat Chocolate Pudding with Fat-Free Cool Whip and a scant few mini-chocolate chips. This is what i need to do: find new and better things to take the place of my not-so-good choices.

I learned today that the healthy weight range for someone 5'4 is between 117lbs (BMI of 20) and 146lbs (BMI of 25). I really don't have a clue of where i "should" be. I should talk to Janet, i suppose, to get her thoughts on this.

I also learned that 10% loss for me is 20lbs, which will put me at 185lbs. But since we are going for 5% first, which is 10lbs, my 1st goal will put me at 195lbs. I plan to keep up with the dates that i reach those goals on the side of this blog.

Melinda, a friend of mine, has been a huge help. She joined WW with her sister and some friends before i did and is doing really very well: she's lost 11 pounds in two weeks. Melinda has tons of suggestions and she loves trying new recipes, so i'm so glad that i have her knowledge to learn from. She's also started a fb page for folks who are on WW and that's been a huge help and source of support.

A good first day.

The First Meeting...

...was this morning at 10am. I dropped my tot off at school and headed to the meeting, talking to myself the entire way:

"Are you sure that you want us to do this? Again?"

"What's going to be different THIS time?"

"You're not really THAT fat, you know...."

"Maybe you should wait and join next month!"

"Do you really want to go? Really, really, REALLLY want to go to this meeting??"

"Shut up, Voices, and just drive to the meeting!"

Needless to say, it was a long ride to the Weight Watcher Center.

But once there, i made myself get out of the Pilot, and walk into the Center. Because i knew that if i sat there, in the safety of my car, i wouldn't go in. And so i slowly, slowly walked towards the Center.

Cheerful women were there to greet me. Of course, they were cheerful, they were already at THEIR goal weight.... I joined using their latest special which signed me up for 9 weeks and didn't require me to pay the joining fee. I did this because i figured (once again....) that if i pre-paid, i would come back.

Yeah, i know, i'm full of hope, aren't i?

I weighed in at 205.6 lbs. Not surprised at that...i bought the calculator, the Dinning Out Companion and the 3-Month food log book. The woman that weighed me was really nice and welcoming....and i was grateful for that. I stumbled off to the meeting area, trying not to wonder if i was the chubbiest person there yet.

Yeah, that's usually the first thing i do when i walk into a room. Pathetic, eh?

I sat towards the front, near the corner. Almost like i was hiding. I pretended to look through all of the things that i bought but what i was really doing, was trying to hide my tears. Tears because i was here at Weight Watchers again, tears because i weighed in at 205.6, tears because i wondered if THIS time i could do it, and tears because i was scared that i would fail.

Again.

I was thrilled when i saw who the leader of the meeting was. It was Janet! She was the same leader that i loved last time and i was happy about that. She's funny, silly, gives out star stickers, hand stickers and goofy things. She makes me feel that it's okay for me to be there at Weight Watchers and that she is cheering for me.

There was about 30-35 women there and 2 men.

It was a fun meeting. And i felt like i truly was in the right place, with the right folks and the right Weight Watcher leader.

Janet handed out brightly colored Popsicle sticks to everyone. Why? To remind you to "STICK to it". I picked out a bright orange colored stick, which is now sitting on top of my kitchen counter, reminding me to "STICK TO IT"!

After the meeting, the "new" folks, who have ALL been Weight Watchers members before like me, listened to Janet about the new program. She joined Weight Watchers two previous times before things finally fell in place for her at her third time at joining. She lost 60+ pounds on Weight Watchers on her third try.

Here is some news: Get this, ALL fruit and ALL veggies are free! No points to them! Even bananas!!! F-R-E-E! How stinkin' amazing is that?!?! All of us "new" folks listened to Janet and kept asking questions. And i actually made a friend. She and i swapped email addresses and promised to keep up with each other.

I left feeling hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, just maybe i can do this.

Hopeful.

It's a good place to be right now.

I'll go shopping later today for the things i need. I'll read through all of my handouts and books and get my stuff in order to start this part of my life. I think that i'm making peace with the fact that i will have to eat this way the rest of my life. I don't like that, but if it means that i'm healthy, if it means that i'll pass along how to be healthy to my daughter, then so be it, i'll make the changes that i need to make.

It's time.