Precious

The most amazing article about an actress named Gabourey Sidibe, that who played Claireece Precious Jones in the movie "Precious". I am in awe of her. She was amazing in this movie. You can read the entire article HERE

I was stunned when i read this part of the article:

"She adds, "People always ask me, 'You have so much confidence. Where did that come from?' It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. I wear colors that I really like, I wear makeup that makes me feel pretty, and it really helps. It doesn't have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it's your home, and," she chuckles, "you must decorate it."

I am going to decide that i am beautiful, too. I am going to carry myself that way from this moment forward. You must love yourself so that no matter what ANYONE tells you, it doesn't matter....because you love yourself and that's enough.

Friendship...

I've never had many women "friends". I've chatted with many women but not in the sense that we become close friends. My circle has always been very small of women that i talk to. I guess that 'sharing' isn't one of my strongest personality traits. That or i secretly think that no one wants to be friends with an overweight woman...sigh.

But that was until i moved here and met Melinda.

She was in my MOPS group and i knew of her, but she sat at another table and so i didn't really get to know her until this move. She's very tall, stunningly beautiful and not a skinny person. But she is truly one of the most beautiful women i have ever seen. Melinda is so, well, dang, i guess stylish is the best word to describe her. She's a size 16, and no matter what she puts on, she's beautiful.

And i think that a lot of that is how she carries herself. Very self confident, very sure of herself, very talented. Which completely confused me...if you wore a size larger than a size 2, were you 'allowed' to be that way? Lord knows that i've never acted like i loved myself like she did. I wanted to rub up against her because i was hoping that some of her would stick to me.

We've become friends. I think that some of the friendships that i've had since moving here were friendships that i felt like i was the only one investing in the friendship. Perhaps that's why it's so difficult to sustain friendships. They take work on both sides, i think, and sometimes, well, i guess life gets in the way.

Melinda also became my Zumba partner at the Y. I can't tell you the difference it made to have her there, even if she did dance so much better than i did. I dance like my legs are tied together, sigh....but it is fun. I can't believe that i enjoy Zumba the way i do.

She's had to stop going to the Y due to medical issues....i, who have no medical issues, of course, think that's my ticket to stop, too. I am hoping that i am going to realize, soon, that this is MY journey and that "I" need to take charge of it.

But, it's really nice to have a friend who i can chat with, share with, and who understands how motherhood, while lots of fun most times, can drive you batty other days. I am hoping to learn from her how to love myself. Not just pretend to love myself, but really love myself. It shouldn't be that hard, should it? Where ever i go, there i am. At the age of 40, i should have learned to become friends with myself...

...and to take care of myself like i am my best friend. Because i deserved that, don't i?

Happy New Year's Day!

This photo has always made me smile. It is beyond a cute photo of my little Cupcake that was taken almost a year and a half ago. Not a care in the world, enjoying the sun in a cute bathing suit....living life as it should be lived. How ironic it is that i want my little daughter's self confidence?

I had a dream last night that i ran a marathon. It was a huge marathon with lots of other runners. Everyone was ahead of me, running faster than i was. I was suppose to finish by noon but no one (including me!) thought that this was possible, much less me finishing at all. But i kept running, slowly, towards the finish line. Everyone kept encouraging me, yelling for me to keep going. Noon keep getting closer....and i didn't finish by noon. But i did finish the marathon by ten minutes after noon. And i was thrilled that i did it. Happy and proud that i did it and didn't give up.

See some parallels?

And so it begins again in this New Year. I may not get to where i'm going on time, but i will get there this time.

I know i will.

New Year's Eve

A hopeful smile...for a wonderful New Year.

No! Really?!?!

Just for giggle and grins, i took a "Food Addiction" Quiz. Yeah, i know, i'm just a fat fluffy ball of fun, aren't i? And guess what this "Food Addiction" Quiz revealed? Come on, now, go ahead, guess....no?

Okay, read at the bottom....

What a bloody surprise, eh?

So, for more giggles and grins, i'm going to go back to this site to "read more about overeating" because i don't already think about food enough. And then i'll search the Internet to see what else i can 'learn' about overeating. Because, i'm like that...sigh

I'm still working on my New Year's Resolutions List to see how many i can blow to pieces in one day...nothing like making progress!

Food Addiction - Quiz Results
The results indicate that there is a high level of concern that you may be overeating. It is probable that you have or are well on your way to having an overeating problem. Results indicate that your eating behavior may be at level of concern that professional evaluation with your physician or other trusted health care professional is indicated. We suggest that you read other material provided on this site and elsewhere to learn more about overeating and the help that is available.

A Santa Photo....

....umm, yeah. That's dear, sweet, stinky Pachi on Santa's lap. Santa looks completely thrilled, doesn't he? But Santa was a good Santa and my sweet Cupcake couldn't stop staring or giggling at him, so it's okay that Pachi was in the photo.

I do think, however, that we've learned our lesson and will not have our "traditional Santa and Cupcake photo done on Christmas Eve" ever, EVER, EVER again. Next year, i will be one of the FIRST ones in October November to get their child's photo done with Santa! The mall here is just too dang busy to be anywhere near it on Christmas Eve.

And now....we are getting ready for the New Year. I love New Year's Eve....so dinner needs to be planned, perhaps some more baking, and figuring out what we'll watch that night. Of course, the chance that i will actually be AWAKE for the the start of the New Year is slim, but, i have high hopes that i will be.

ah, yes....a New Year.

Dear God...

....i weighed this morning. I wanted to throw-up. I logged it on the side of this blog. And i really wasn't surprised at what the huge @ss number was. Okay, i was a little surprised...or maybe it was that i was a little horrified. As of this morning, December 29, 2009, i weighed in at 199.4 lbs. Isn't that the size of a small elephant? I am only .6 away from 200 lbs. I swore that i would NEVER, EVER, EVER be in the 200s again. At my highest weight of 249 lbs, i swore that when i lost this weight, i would never be one to move back up the ladder in weight again. That i would be different.

Ummm. Sure. I'm different, alright. No more of the holiday crap, that's for sure.

I've thought about my goals. I could make a list of them a mile long....really. But for today, for this week, i am going to drink water. I am going to drink my 'recommended' amount of 8 glasses of water. I'll add to my weekly goal list next week; perhaps if i approach it this way, i won't be so willing to chuck in the towel when i get upset/anxious/insane.

I do need to figure out a date to reach goals, i think. And i need to more my cute, fluffy self to the Y very soon. I'll be going alone, but you know, this journey, to a certain extent, is done alone, so i'll deal with it. I'll just still be "the fat girl in the back of the class" where i feel like i am part of the wall. But i promise myself, i won't be there in the back of the class forever....not this time. I will be at that TOPS meeting on Thursday come hell or high water; i may have to force myself to go, i may have to force myself to get out of my car and walk into that meeting, but i'll be there. I'll be there and i'm not going to miss ANY of those meetings. Period.

Off to feed the little one, dig out and do more laundry and work on my goal list.

I can do this, right?