For me....

...because i need some flowers today and these are my favorite kind.

Christmas Time....

...is right around the corner. In fact, it's closer than "right around the corner".

I go in waves of feeling "Christmas like" and waves of wanting to forget the entire thing. So much to do: shop (why we don't take that money and donate to a worthy cause is beyond me), bake, wrap, send cards, decorate. The list, sometimes, seems endless.

Thank God for a little daughter who reminds me every single day the joy in living.

I am floundering in the weight-loss arena. I take two steps forward, one step back, another forward. It's a dance that i've done for years now, it seems. I sometimes get so very tired of this dance, and instead want to scream to the world: "YES, I AM CHUBBY MOMMY and i apparently don't care enough to change." Somewhere along this path, i think that i've convinced myself that i will truly never change, that i will always be Chubby Mommy.

There are worse things, of course. But the feel of defeat that i feel tears at my heart and soul. It truly makes my heart feel worthless. Funny how "friends" of mine have no idea that i feel this way about myself. It's almost like the best kept secret ever. I hear from friends constantly things like: "You are so sweet!", "You are such a great leader!", "You care so much for the women in our group at church!", "We are so lucky to have you!", "You are so pretty today!", "You are such a great mother!" and all i can think to myself is:

"Yeah, right. And i'm fat. Have you not noticed that i almost weigh 200lbs?!?!?".

I swear i can't believe that i let my weight define me. But i do. And these are the types of things that i am scared to death about passing on to my daughter.

Just as i hear the tick of the clock telling me that Christmas is fast approaching and i'm running out of time, i always hear the tick of the clock telling me that i'm running out of time. I'm scared to death that this weight will one day kill me, whether due to a heart attack or diabeties. I don't have heart problems and i'm not a diabetic (yet) but it's always in the back of my mind. Always of the fringe of my mind that my wieght will take me away from those that i love and i am to care for.

Another year is coming up. Again, i'm sure that i will make the same resolution that i have made ever year for the past 6 years: to loose weight. Why i think that i need a New Years Resolution to loose weight is beyond me. Maybe it's the whole "New Year, New Start" idea that i seem to clinge to. Who knows. But i can invision myself, on New Years Eve, promising myself that this year, THIS YEAR I WILL DO IT.

Just as i did last year.

What will it take me to change?

What will it take?